Tuesday Topic: When Did You Know?

Last week I asked you to email any questions you had for me – then I didn’t answer a single one. Today I’m going to share one, give my answer, and open it up for you to answer as well.

Jennifer asked:

I am interested to know whether you have always known that Dimples was having trouble attaching.  We are about to adopt 3 children from foster care.  We feel like one of them has a very good attachment to us (which is strange because she is the oldest and has been here the shortest time).  The two younger ones will still go with anyone without fear and I am always more nervous with them in public places because I feel like they would just go off with anyone that tried to take them.  We feel like the attachment is building, but it is slow (they have been with us for 1.5 years).

So, to sum it up, how did you know there was a problem?  Did you figure it out slowly, or has there always been clear signs?

Within hours of meeting Dimples, we knew we had a problem, but we didn’t know what it was, or how severe it was going to be.  We assumed we were seeing behavior problems related to deprivation and fear.  She was frenetic, intense, difficult to control, and from the first day, we had to shield the little boys from the intensity of “hugs.”  She was also beautiful, affectionate, and eager to have our attention.  We could hardly admit to one another that we were worried.

Our challenges were significant from the beginning, although for a long time we thought that by applying everything we had learned, praying for healing, and loving her like crazy, she would heal.  It took us 22 months to finally realize that we could not go on living the way we were, and we sought professional help.

Many families don’t have such obvious signs of challenges from the beginning.  I hope some of you will weigh in on this and share your experiences.  Every story, like every child, is different.

Please take a moment to leave a comment and share your thoughts on this question- we want to hear from you.

Have a great Tuesday, friends.  Hannah called early this morning to say that she is coming home for a long weekend in February.  After a morning of two little boys squabbling since they got out of bed, that was happy news.

How is your day going?

Lisa

 

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Let me introduce myself. Russ and I are the parents of twelve children by birth and adoption, and sometimes more through foster care. I'm the creator of One Thankful Mom which has been as much of a gift to me as to my readers. In 2011 I became a TBRI® Pracitioner* and have lived and breathed connected parenting ever since. I'm deeply honored to be the co-author, together with the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, of The Connected Parent; it is her final written work. I love speaking at events for adoptive and foster parents. I'm also the co-founder of The Adoption Connection, a podcast and resource site for adoptive moms. I mentor and encourage adoptive moms so you can find courage and hope in your journeys of loving your children well.

30 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    January 29, 2013

    We adopted two older siblings (3 and 5 at the time) internationally, and I think the best thing we did was start therapy fairly early…I think within 6 months. These kids are going to have trauma of some kind (attachment, PTSD, neglect, abuse, etc), and if you are blessed enough to be able to afford it, start having them see an adoption-specific therapist from the beginning.

    The best case is he tells you they don't need it. From what we hear, though, this kind of thing is a pay now, or pay later kind of thing.

    Reply
  2. Karen
    January 29, 2013

    Our son's trauma was evident within hours as well. Our time at the orphanage was challenging, to say the least, and even the staff could not control our son's behavior. How long before you seek the advice of a professional probably depends on your child's behavior and the issues you are experiencing. Had I known that I would lose so much of my son's young life to RAD, I probably would have sought help from Day One. Everyone I had talked to said it would pass in two to four months. Everyone said he was attaching normally. Wrong, and I knew in my gut they were wrong, but I was new at this, so I listened to the "experts" instead of my instinct. I lost his little years. And now he's big, and I can't get that little boy back — that little boy I waited for for decades, and the only one I will ever have. So I would say seek help sooner rather than later. Because you can't get those lost years back. Trust your instinct. If you're wondering if you should seek help, you probably should.

    Reply
  3. amy
    January 29, 2013

    This quote, "frenetic, intense, difficult to control, and from the first day, we had to shield the little boys from the intensity of “hugs.” She was also beautiful, affectionate, and eager to have our attention" hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't have explained our son in better terms. I also reflected how you said Dimples talked at you ALL THE TIME. My husband just bought sound proofing headphones because he is in school and just cannot be anywhere in the house without hearing the CONSTANT chatter from the son. My son will be 4 in March. So far we've said "we'd just consider him to be a super active boy with some trouble obeying and regulating himself". Am I wrong? So we be worried? If so what should we do? What is our first step with such a young boy?

    Reply
    1. Jodi
      January 30, 2013

      A great resource is empoweredtoconnect.org, a website by Karyn Purvis. If you start there, you will see that there are many strategies available to find even if you cannot afford to go regularly to a therapist. With our daughter (we adopted out of foster care when she was 9), she had attachment issues that showed themselves as behavior problems. She also had a lot of emotional confusion, sexual confusion, and no people skills at all. We did have the option of consulting with a therapist who specializes in adoption – specifically adoption of children from foster care – and I learned that to help my daughter I had to change a lot about my parenting style. It has helped immeasurably.

      Reply
  4. Denise
    January 29, 2013

    I adopted two older boys (15 and 12) from foster care. They aren't biological siblings and were each in 10+ placements. Like Lisa, I knew there was a problem, but I couldn't really pinpoint what. It often looked like behavioral issues or even ADHD and still does. Neither of them believes they are "staying" and at times do everything possible to sabotage it. We have been in attachment/trauma therapy throughout. It has helped, but the fears and anxiety is deep.

    I have hope. I see some attachment at times. Then sometimes it is just the anxiety of being abandoned. Real fear.

    As I have continued to educate myself on attachment issues things in the beginning make more sense now.

    It isn't easy, but I have found the blessings to be worth it.

    Reply
  5. Erika
    January 29, 2013

    What a **great** post. This is something that I've talked about with others as well. I, too, knew right away that we were in trouble, but the worst part was not being able to "put my finger on it."

    We, too, sought help (through therapy that didn't work for us) and asked for help, only to be told that our daughter was attaching normally. We were told these behaviors are just kid behaviors. Yet, I was miserable and my gut told me otherwise. I spent years reading and researching, but often felt alone, guilty and confused.

    The good news is that we are not getting appropriate therapy through Neurological Reorganization which has been the key for our child. Point being- There.Is.Hope!!

    There.Is.Hope! My gut no longer tells me that we are in the wrong place, but in the right one. Every child can heal. I wish I knew then what I know now, but cannot and will not waste time on what we lost only to focus on what we've gained. It's not perfect, but we're getting there.

    There.is.hope! Trust your gut and seek out others until you find what's right for you. If your Mommy gut tells you that something is amiss, it probably is. But every child can heal.

    Reply
  6. Laila
    January 29, 2013

    We have had our daughter home from Vietnam for almost 5 years. It took us 2 years before we started the search for help. She has five years old at the time we got her. Finding good help has been so hard for us. Many therapists do not know about RAD. We went through many over the phone "interviews" asking critical questions to see if they understood RAD before we paid for our first visit. This saved us a lot of time and money! From what we have learned from Nancy Thomas, a therapist who is treating a RAD child should not use the sand table technique (I think this was due to them manipulating//lying). We went to a therapist that sounded good over the phone only to find out she used the Sand table and a therapy dog with RAD kiddos. Another one said to our daughter on the way out of her office "Oh, isn't she just so adorable!". We have an attachment therapy that we drive two hours to her, then we have a two-three hour session, then we drive home another two hours. We do this twice a month. It is helping somewhat. What we really need to find is an attachment therapist that specializes in RAD.

    Reply
  7. Jennifer
    January 29, 2013

    we, too, knew within hours. behavior and control were an issue from day one, and physical affection was "off" and always only on his terms. we've come a long way, but our son's attachment is far different from the other four children we have parented from traumatic backgrounds (both through adoption and foster care) – and it seems it always will be.

    Reply
  8. Jennifer
    January 29, 2013

    oops – five other kids – not four. : )

    Reply
  9. Lisa H.
    January 29, 2013

    It's been very interesting to watch our children and their different adjustments to our family. I find it helpful to think of attachment as on a spectrum and think that most adopted children will have some healing that they need. Our first adoption was a daughter who came home at 16 months. She had been kept in one orphanage within about two rooms since birth, with primarily the same caregivers. She cried and cried and cried when we first adopted her, but once she attached, she has had the healthiest attachment. Our 2nd daughter was adopted at 33 months. She suffered much neglect in her orpahange. She never really cried when we adopted her and she was like hurricane on wheels in our home for about 6 months. We always had to physically restrain her to help her go to sleep, It's taken years of work with her, but she is truly a delight and a joy now. We still have struggles, but I truly think by God's grace she's going to be fine. Our third daughter was 12 months when she came home. She had experienced 4 moves since birth. In many ways she seemed "easy" but now I think that in part she was "checked out" emotionally. I also made the mistake of letting her be cared for too much by her older, adoring siblings. We've struggled with her to know what part of her issues are a firey personality and what part is her own attachment, and what part is her mimicking attachment issues she sees in daughter #2. All to say, that I would assume that ALL adopted children have attachment work that needs to be done, and I'd be quick to seek out interventions and to trust my instincts, and VERY careful to practice good attachment strategies with ALL adoptive children….Even those who seem "easy" because sometimes it takes a while for you to really see issues for what they really are….

    Reply
  10. Barb
    January 29, 2013

    We saw a problem as young as 2 months old in our youngest son. That was our reason to take him under temporary guardianship at three months old which turned into a private adoption. He's now 5 and struggles big time with PTSD. He's in therapy, making progress in the 'daytime' behaviours but going backwards in sleeping which translates into lots of screaming at night. Per our therapist, it's a miracle he doesn't have RAD. We're so thankful for that!!

    Reply
  11. FosterCareQandA
    January 29, 2013

    What a great question! I've been fostering a little girl who has shown some "red flags" since her first day in our home. But then there are periods without red flags when everything is wonderful. Sometimes it's so hard to know if it's just fear and an adjustment period, or if this is a more significant long-term problem.

    Reply
  12. Kayla
    January 29, 2013

    I do not have a child with RAD. But I do have three internationally adopted children who came home at 2 1/2, 3, and 2. The other thing about attachment that is important to remember is that it is a journey not a destination. As your kids grow and change over time, new things may crop up that were not issues before. Not because you as a parent missed something but just because your kids are changing. Be it related to hormones or a deeper understanding of their own losses or a trigger from something that prompts them to bring up adoption junk, they are dynamic, changing people whose needs and worries and fears change over time. I do not have many concerns about my kids right now but I anticipate that at some point, that may change especially as we head into the tween and teen years.

    Reply
    1. Mrs_B
      January 29, 2013

      Very well stated. I have found it true that developmental changes may or may not have an extra layer of identity issues, loss, and/ or self-awareness for our adopted children.

      Reply
  13. Laurel
    January 29, 2013

    We adopted 3 siblings from Ghana (ages 6, 9, 12 when they came home 5 years ago). We knew just from pictures and videos from the orphanage that our youngest Little Miss had severe challenges. The only way that I found to describe her emotional state was that "her heart is wrapped in concrete". While other children were dancing, laughing, and singing on the video, our Little Miss never cracked a smile. We knew that trouble was ahead.

    The older brother (age 12 at the time) was the exact opposite. He was loud, funny, smiling all the time. Everyone that met him before we did, told us that he was the "nicest, kindest, most wonderful . . . boy at the orphanage". We had absolutely no idea of the manipulation that can be present with RAD.

    We arrived in Ghana on a Monday morning. Picked up our kids at the orphanage. And we were ON OUR OWN for 6 weeks, trying to complete the paperwork to bring them home. We had TROUBLE with the oldest and youngest from Day #1. The middle sister, however, was (and still is) polite, loving, never a trouble, kind, considerate . . . and with no signs of RAD. True attachment, even for the middle sister, has been very slow but steady, but with none of the emotional rollercoasters that the others presented.

    Laurel
    mama of 12

    Reply
  14. mrsungeek
    January 29, 2013

    We got our children as foster children at three and four years old. They were birth siblings also. They had signs of PTSD and RAD from the beginning. Later, but before the adoption was final, we found out about the FASD. Our kids showed many of the signs of RAD, and I was the brunt of their acting out. They both started in the disorganized attachment style, but later one tended toward the avoidant while the other one had the ambivalent/resistant pattern. Fortunately, the Christian foster agency social worker was able to recommend a therapist that had us go with our kids for attachment therapy within two months of placement. We were able to get victims witness to pay for much of the therapy because of their background. I'm so glad we were able to work on attachment while they were still young. Even so, the kids, after ten years, still show signs of trauma and attachment problems, but it is only during times of stress. I think the FASD has made the healing process slower.

    Reply
  15. Mrs_B
    January 29, 2013

    We adopted our son internationally at the age of 13 months. I did not know at that time the signs of good or troubled attachment. After days of consecutive visits to the orphanage, I took the signs of him crawling to us and responding to us with smiles as great. We were told , through interpreters, that he was an emotional child, but our word for that was more like "strong-willed".

    Thankfully, at our time of adoption, the country required follow-up Social Worker visits up until age 3. Every 6 months, we were spending time with our Social Worker. When our son was just over 2, I called our Social Worker in-between follow-ups and asked her for help in understanding how to deal with our son's high-energy, loud, demanding personality. It was then that our Social Worker kindly spoke to me of her observations and diagnosis. She wisely said that she felt we were not ready to hear from her (regarding our son's emotional state) until we first were able to acknowledge that there was something different about him. Because this was our second child through adoption and we had no long-term attachment issues with our first child, I was reluctant to admit that all we were doing, providing, steps for help in areas of delay, etc. were not touching the deep, emotional outbursts of behavior that seemed to control the whole mood and tone of our family's day to day life.

    Reflecting back, that was such a lonely place for my husband and I since most behavior, attachment concerns, happened within the walls of our home. Our family members or friends didn't often see that side of our son.

    I'm thankful for people, like Lisa, that are open to write about the pain and victories in the adoption journey . I am thankful that there are more resources (like Empowered to Connect) to equip and prepare parents now than when we were adopting. I am most thankful that "God uses ALL things together for good for those who are called according to HIS purpose." Perhaps God in His wisdom keeps us clueless so that we don't see "the giants in the land" but we HOPE in HIS power in this calling of being an adoptive parent(s).

    Reply
  16. Michele
    January 29, 2013

    Even though we read everything we could find about attachment and adoption and we had friends who shared honestly about their struggles with attachment – it wasn't until we were home for over a year that we could really identify some attachment problems. I think the whirlwind of so many issues going on at the same time (our daughter has mild RAD, low IQ, multiple learning disabilities, and a ton of nasty behaviors that she learned in orphanage life) that it was hard to see the big picture as we struggled through each day.
    Thanks Lisa for this blog whichI have read faithfully for the last few years. It is such an encouragement to me.

    Reply
  17. Dawn Wright
    January 29, 2013

    We have done 9 adoptions…….2 sets of 3 siblings through foster care, 1 from Ethiopia, and 2 through domestic adoption. Their ages at adoption were newborn-age 6. Interesting that you point out you feel your oldest is attaching well. That is totally true with us as well!! His coping mechanisms are way different to our daughter who struggles daily with attachment, rejection, fears, getting love from everyone but us, defiance, incessant chatter, lying all the time……

    I am NOT an expert by any means…..and I also do not believe our daughters behaviors are "extreme" compared to many friends I know. I do know that she struggles- a lot….all the time. Some times it gets "better" for a bit, but it has always been there.

    She came to us at age 1!! Her and her 2 siblings went through 3 years of visits with biological family telling them that any day they would be "going home" with them. 3 YEARS! I can't even begin to explain, but our oldest son- no big issues. I mean you know…….really big issues anyway. Our middle daughter has had screaming fits since age 1 – when I say screaming I mean for 45min-1hr of severe screaming!!!

    Totally wish we would have known a lot more about RAD back then, but we didn't have a clue. Now that we do- we have studied, rethought our actions and most importantly our reactions to her. We feel a support through hearing others stories. We have done our best to "back up the track", but it is a long uphill battle. One we are confident and not confident in depending on the day.

    I think people assume- young kids – don't worry they bounce back.

    My personal theory- every child struggles, learns, and copes in different ways!!!! EVERY CHILD! Which means adopt young or old or inbetween. Does not have any guarantees! EVER!

    We are not in a place of danger as some of you have been. SO therefore it is easier to deal with.

    Wow does it give you new perspective on God's UNFAILING LOVE doesn't it? 🙂

    Reply
  18. Elizabeth
    January 29, 2013

    We knew from Day 1 that the adoption of our son was not going to look as I imagined it. He nearly dismantled the entire room the Giving and Receiving ceremony took place in and the agency rep knew it was going to be a rocky ride since he kept reminding us that signing the papers made it "irrevocable". We thought we were making progress when the raging started happening with less frequency, but when they did happen they were significantly more intense. I knew we needed to find a therapist. This was five years after we first brought him home. I wish we had sought therapy sooner and perhaps avoided some of the intensity as he grew older.

    Reply
  19. SleepyKnitter
    January 29, 2013

    Attachment has been different with each child.

    It was obvious from the first week that our oldest, a teen, would never attach to us, yet I could see that she was capable of attaching to other people, so I knew it was a decision on her part, not RAD, and I knew with probably 90 percent assurance that she would do better in a second family, and she did (that sounds so simple, when it was really all horrifically painful and complex).

    Our next oldest came to us at eight years old after having spent her first three years with almost no early intervention or love of any kind in her orphanage, then the next five years in a very loving foster home. She does not seem to me to have attachment problems. She shrinks away when she’s in trouble, but any child does that. She otherwise seems quite affectionate and loyal to us, as we are to her, and seems confident of our love and looks to us to help her solve her problems. Her one big concern in life seems to be that another child will receive more of something than she has, but when all things feel equal to her, she will “give away her last dollar” to the neediest soul within reach.

    Our middle child is the one who has had the most attachment difficulties, though she has by far the “best” pre-adoption story of our four. She came to us at six months, but we had received a photo from the orphanage showing her at four months staring somberly away from the camera, and something about that photo concerned me. When we met her, she was serious, clingy, and not at all affectionate. We were naively certain that she would not have attachment difficulties because we were adopting her before seven months of age, and our adoption training had told us that children don’t start forming attachment until seven months. We were basically unprepared for the next three years during which she developed into a highly anxious child with a variety of what we thought were “quirky” behaviors, to the point that we feared she was developing Asperger’s and took her to an autism clinic. As we were preparing for that appointment, we began realizing that attachment issues could mimic autism issues, and suddenly “it all made sense.” We then took her to an adoption counselor who specializes in attachment, and have seen significant improvement in her attachment issues, though she may always have a basically avoidant attachment style.

    Our youngest is a puzzle. He came to us at ten months and held himself stiffly when we tried to cuddle with him, though he was a cheerful, outgoing little soul from the beginning. Now he melts into us when we hold him and is always eager for us to have physical contact with him in some way and prefers us to strangers and so forth. On the other hand, though, he has never formed attachment to any toy, doll, blanket, special shirt, or other object, and that strikes us as odd, so we continue to observe him and wonder what is happening with him. He will love a particular blanket or toy for a month, then move on as if that blanket or toy didn’t exist anymore. I will say, though, that as far as his relationship with us is concerned, he is always most attached to whichever parent has spent the previous day with him — is that the same as his relationship with toys and blankets? Our counselor thinks our little guy has a normal, healthy attachment to us, but I feel uncomfortable about how quickly and easily he changes preferences for toys or parents. I am puzzled by his responses.

    I love all four of our children, even the one who is no longer with us. They are all my precious treasures, regardless of their challenges.

    Reply
  20. DebiB
    January 30, 2013

    Before our then 4 1/2 yr old daughter was placed with us through foster care, we'd been told she was diagnosed with 'attachment disorder with rad tendencies'. We were her 5th move in 9 months. The family who had planned to adopt her just before us kept her only 3 weeks. BUT, we were just 'sure' life would be different for us. We had experience with other foster children, we were Christians, we had training….blah, blah, blah. So, we 'knew' before she even came to live with us that all others had said she was difficult. Ultimately, though, we've realized….we were simply naive to the devastating effects of early trauma on children.

    Here we are 2 1/2 years later and although things are better than initially, they are still very, very hard some days. She often controlls the emotional level in our home. It's so very hard at times. I never could have imagined that we'd be in this place 2 1/2 years later.

    In fact, I sat with a new attachment therapist yesterday and just cried. All of the emotions of the last couple years came tumbling out and it's been overwhelming.

    Reading your blog, Lisa, has given me more encouragment than you will ever know. Just as I read it's as if someone else understands what we walk through. Then reading these replies, it makes me feel less alone in this journey….even though we've never met.

    Thank you!

    Reply
  21. Chris
    January 29, 2013

    We knew immediately about the pronounced attachment challenges experienced by the second of our 3 adopted children — the middle child in a set of 3 biological siblings adopted at ages 2, 3, and 4. However, it wasn't until about two years–and a lot of research–later that we were better able to separate the behaviors stemming from attachment issues and those from other sources.

    Reply
  22. urbanservant
    January 30, 2013

    With our most attachment challenged son we knew as soon as we met him at placment. It was obvious that there was a piece out of place in how he was interacting with his foster mom, us and the agency workers. Four years later the same is still true.

    Reply
  23. Kelli
    January 30, 2013

    This question of "when did you know?" is so intriguing. I think my answer has changed over time as I have been able to look back with perspective. Initially I would have said that we knew on day #4 when our daughter, who was a "runner", tried to run (back to Ethiopia) for the first time. When this happened I KNEW we were out of our league. As time has passed & I have read back through my journals of our adoption trip, I had actually documented about "her eyes darting from door to window – looking for her chance to escape"- within the first hour of having her with us.

    Our daughter was completely affectionate (almost smothering at times) when we could give her our full & undivided attention, but when any sense of competition came into play, she was ready to run or explode. Like others have mentioned, her mood really dictated the tone of our home. Like Sleepy Knitter said, I knew she would do better in a second family – and she has, she will always struggle with attachment because of severe RAD.

    In hindsight, I wish we had sought out an adoption/attachment therapist sooner and I particularly wish I could have removed the FEAR that resided in our home and hearts. Her behavior unnerved me from Day 1 & I think we started out our relationship with me parenting out of fear. Since losing our daughter we have done respite care for a girl with similar issues & because I felt prepared through our experience & because I wasn't ultimately responsible, I was able to "parent" out of love – not fear. This experience & the attachment we saw was so much sweeter. I feel like we attached much more in 6 weeks than I did with our daughter in over a year.

    Lisa, I know I always tell you this, and several others have referred to things they noticed in photos, but from the minute I saw pictures of Dimples, I could see the same expressions in our daughters. I literally wondered if they were related. The similarity of so many of their expressions is uncanny.

    Continuing to pray for your family!

    Reply
    1. Jennifer
      April 4, 2013

      Hi Kelli,
      EVERYTHING about your comment resonated with me. I am wondering if you would be willing to email me privately?
      journeytoourkids@hotmail.com

      Reply
  24. Mavis
    January 30, 2013

    I just want to thank Lisa and all the mom's who have commented! We are in the adoption process and plan to pick up our daughter sometime this spring. Your realities are an education for me and for so many others. God Bless you.

    Reply
  25. Amber
    February 1, 2013

    We knew from day one in Ethiopia when we picked up our 3 year old son that we were in trouble. He would scream, hit and try to run away. He would not take no or a distraction as an answer. He was incredibly strong willed. He would not listen to any nannies or the helpers at our guest house. He pretended that we were hurting him and when we asked the director to come and talk to him and explain to him what was going on our son told him that we were not taking him to the bathroom and that is why he was acting out. Thankfully we had an amazingly supportive traveling family with us as witnesses that we certainly were not harming our child but we were scared to death. It has been almost 3 years, we did work with our pediatrician and our son does need a low dose med to control his mood swings (tried for over 2 years before attempting meds and wish I would have done it sooner). The meds help him bc he is present and in control of his emotional state. Being present allowed him to actually see us and how we treat him and it has been the most amazing transforming year. I cannot believe the difference in our son. He is now a straight A student, is compassionate and loving. All these things I thought we would never see from him. We went through A LOT but I am grateful for support from honest parents who are also struggling that gave me the courage to keep going. I love my son and as hard as those two years were and even though the future still scares me sometimes I am grateful for him and wouldn't change any of it. I have grown and learned so much from this amazing boy.

    Reply
  26. Theo Adams
    March 5, 2013

    It's not really surprising that attachment problems arise when adopting kids. Call them cautious or shy, but some simply take a little more time than others to form bonds with their foster parents.

    Reply
  27. Lori
    January 31, 2021

    We adopted 3 boys who were in foster care. The first, 26 years ago, was just under age 2. He has fetal alcohol syndrome. He attached to us immediately, and that has never changed. We are now his legal guardians. In 2009, we adopted fraternal twins, 8 years old. We believed they had also attached to us. We were so wrong! About 5 years ago, one began a series of stays in both temporary & residential treatment centers. The last time he was in our home was about 2 1/2 years ago, when he was 17. After a history of violent behavior toward us, he literally tried to kill his father. He pretty much got off, and we got a restraining order against him. A few months later, after turning 18, he found out where his twin was working and began showing up there. He wound up convincing his brother to follow in his footsteps. The day he pushed me down in a fit of anger, he was arrested. He had an automatic restraining order placed on him as one of his conditions of release from jail. I doubt either of them will change. They go around trying to convince others that they did nothing wrong, that everything is our fault. This has been the worst 12 years of my entire life. 😢

    Reply

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