Tuesday Topic: What Questions Would You Ask?

One of Little Man’s referral pictures

It’s Tuesday and time for a question from one of you.  Lindsey asked,

I am going over my list of questions to ask (my new) kids’ team. Doctors, therapist, caseworkers, foster parents, will be there. I have a list of questions to take, but I would love  to ask your readers what questions would you ask or did you ask and were there any phrases or catch words that you did not realize were code words for something bigger, deeper.

Many of us did not have the opportunity to ask questions about our children prior to their adoptions, but if you could have asked, what questions would have been on the top of your list?

Please take a moment to encourage one another by leaving a comment.  I really enjoy hearing from you.

#261-270  giving thanks


a simple dinner to prepare

plans for speaking in Denver 11/11/11

Sunshine teaching Little Man to play Go Fish

Katie, our homework helper

Honeybee’s beautiful curls and big hair

Netflix streaming  and watching with my big kids

a friend coaching Dimples on basketball skills

a new read aloud for the little guys

our big find – a beaver dam

A few of the books we read yesterday:

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This post may contain Amazon Affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Let me introduce myself. Russ and I are the parents of twelve children by birth and adoption, and sometimes more through foster care. I'm the creator of One Thankful Mom which has been as much of a gift to me as to my readers. In 2011 I became a TBRI® Pracitioner* and have lived and breathed connected parenting ever since. I'm deeply honored to be the co-author, together with the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, of The Connected Parent; it is her final written work. I love speaking at events for adoptive and foster parents. I'm also the co-founder of The Adoption Connection, a podcast and resource site for adoptive moms. I mentor and encourage adoptive moms so you can find courage and hope in your journeys of loving your children well.


  1. Jen Lee
    October 4, 2011

    I look forward to hearing what questions others would ask also! We have about 30 minutes at the airport when we pick up our kids to ask their escorts questions.

  2. maggie
    October 4, 2011

    We adopted our daughter from China at age 3 1/2 yrs old where she had been in foster care for 3 yrs. We were able to ask 5 questions before we got her and the one that was most significant to her and how we handled sleep issues was – what does she need to go to sleep? The answer was her foster mama's arm. Which meant that she was used to sleeping in a family bed and we had to be sensitive to that. Even now that she has been home almost 2 years – one of the biggest treats we can give her is to let her sleep in our bed. While we have weaned her from being in our bed on a daily basis she still needs that physical connection to us to feel safe enough to sleep. So we make sure that we snuggle with her in the morning before she gets up and at night before she falls asleep. And she has a much easier transition to the day if we can do that. If we miss it for some reason – there are lots of tears and sadness.

  3. One Thankful Mom
    October 4, 2011

    Thanks for the great comment, Maggie. I'm going to leave a quick thought as a comment as well. If the social worker uses the word "active" over and over to describe your child — you may or may not want to interpret it as frenetic! It may not be ADHD, but hypervigilance producing the frenzy, but it is probably much more than your average "active" child. I laugh when I think of it now.

    1. maggie
      October 5, 2011

      Thanks for saying that it was a great comment. I was hesitant about writing it since before we adopted I was a little judgemental about parents who let their children share their bed or their room. You know the stuff; "I would never allow a child of mine to do such and such". Oh how my words have come back to mock me. And so I worried that people would "judge" me and my comment. But after going through what we have with our daughter I now realize how much I had to learn and still have to learn as a parent. The simplest and hardest lesson for me was that as parents our responsibility is to our daughter first and we need to do what is right for her. If others judge us then we just have to deal with that disapproval. But ultimately we need to make sure that she is safe and happy.

  4. Lori
    October 5, 2011

    I do not know if it is too late to answer this, but I would ask about the child's attachments to any caregivers. I would ask if there is any known trauma in that child's life – which could include medical intervention even at a very early age. Our seven year old son had serious surgery as an eighteen month old and still remembers the IV in his head. I would ask if the child has any habits or rituals that they use to self soothe. What was useful in the caregiver comforting them. I would ask about their interaction with other children. I would ask what types or modes of discipline were used in the past on the child. What really interests the child – what are they good at – what do they love. I heard the comment of his being VERY active. Our agency rep. even told me that he appeared "hyper". Uh, yeah, that would be an understatement! I have a million questions I would love to have answered, but our son's orphanage isn't very cooperative in sharing. Of course, my questions are from the standpoint of adopting an older child from an orphanage setting so they may not apply to you. They are also questions that I feel I need to know as his mother, not as to making a decision on whether to adopt or not. No matter how many questions you ask, you won't find out everything. Some things you just have to take on faith and leave it in God's hands. Much prayer went into our adoptions and we knew that even if we had been given all the answers to all our questions, we were still not guaranteed any specific outcome. I will pray that you and your husband feel the guiding of the Holy Spirit as you make the decision about whether or not to adopt this child.

  5. Alyssa
    October 7, 2011

    I think attachment would be my biggest concern. After reading other's stories, I am really thankful that our son is attaching to us and finding healing through our relationship. I was pretty confident that he would as we were able to talk a lot to the foster family that had him for 2 years.


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