Tuesday Topic: Adopting in a "White" Community


This week’s Tuesday Topic comes from Renae who blogs at Adopting Ava about the adoption of their daughter from Bulgaria. They are also considering adopting from Ethiopia in the future and she sent the following question:

We would love to adopt from Ethiopia one day, but we do not have a lot of other African(American) friends with children, and there are only a couple of African(American) children at our church at all! We homeschool our kids as well…so, what would your advice be about bringing an Ethiopian child into a very ”white” community? I don’t want her to feel isolated..

Many of us have considered this question as we have added children to our families. Race is a touchy topic, no doubt, but we might as well tackle it head on. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. I will hold your comments until next Tuesday, January 12th, and share them all at once.

If you have a question for a Tuesday Topic, please email it to me at: thankfulmom[at]gmail[dot]com with Tuesday Topic in the subject line. I need all the help being organized that I can get!

Thank you everyone!

~Lisa

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Let me introduce myself. Russ and I are the parents of twelve children by birth and adoption, and sometimes more through foster care. I'm the creator of One Thankful Mom which has been as much of a gift to me as to my readers. In 2011 I became a TBRI® Pracitioner* and have lived and breathed connected parenting ever since. I'm deeply honored to be the co-author, together with the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, of The Connected Parent; it is her final written work. I love speaking at events for adoptive and foster parents. I'm also the co-founder of The Adoption Connection, a podcast and resource site for adoptive moms. I mentor and encourage adoptive moms so you can find courage and hope in your journeys of loving your children well.

0 Comments

  1. Kelli
    January 6, 2010

    I think it is important to remember first that God made us all these wonderful colors so the answer to the question should first be given to God. God can do such amazing things even if you do not live in a community with a large African American population.

    I think the next thing to tackle is whether or not you will be willing as a parent to be sensitive to their racial needs. For example reading about problems that can occur like racism.

    My husband and I are considering going to another church where they can experience more ethnicity. I don't think churches get much whiter than ours! We love it but we also want our munchkins to see more "color" around them.

    Reply
  2. neely
    January 6, 2010

    LOVE Melissa Fay Greene's response to this question. (after you…she's my favorite!)
    http://thereisnomewithoutyou.com/blog?op=view&id=45

    Reply
  3. Charlie
    January 7, 2010

    Our daughter adopted two deaf Ethiopian children and lives in the heart of the Ozarks.
    The greatest "challenge" I have when they are with me is when people try to talk to them and don't realize they are deaf.
    In other words, they are well accepted.
    Mostly people just comment on how beautiful they are.
    They are right. Ethiopia makes beautiful babies.
    Charlie

    Reply
  4. Mamita J
    January 7, 2010

    Our daughter is Hispanic and our community is mostly light-skinned. I don't have a lot of wisdom about this yet, because she is only 6 and has been home 18 months.

    One thing we do is always use descriptive words when talking about people instead of "race" words. We'll say things like, "the girl with very light skin and blond, blond hair" or "the boy with dark brown skin and short curly hair" or "the boy with light brown skin and glasses" or "the girl with long, curly, red hair and freckles". I want my daughter to see the individual beauty in each person. There is a lot of diversity, even among people groups.

    Right now, our daughter does not want to identify with other Hispanics. She does not want to hear Spanish. She's proud to speak English and she doesn't want to go back to Guatemala. I expect that will change as she gets older. Our goal is to make her secure in who she is and Whose she is. Then, as things come up, we'll do our best to walk with her through them.

    Blessings to you,
    Julie

    Reply
  5. Chere
    January 7, 2010

    When we adopted our son, Matt, from the Philippines, there were no dark-skinned people in our small community either. We live about 20 miles from a fairly large city, but our son went to school in a white community and didn't suffer from discrimination. Now there are Korean, Indian, Native American, and African American students in our local school!

    Reply
  6. J-momma
    January 7, 2010

    I think the first step is to examine your own upbringing and experiences in relation to other races, ethnicities, and cultures. It is probable that in your journey to creating a transracial family, you will realize you have prejudices and stereotypes of your own, even if unknowingly. That's the first change. Then look at your house, your community, your family and friends. Are you surrounding yourself with welcoming images and people of other cultures? If not, maybe you could find a health care provider of a different race. You can find some community activities to join in a diverse area. Start collecting books, toys, dolls, and decorations from other cultures and races. Think about what movies you watch and what books are on your bookshelf. Also, start becoming comfortable talking about race. It shouldn't be hidden or kept quiet. That only makes it seem more shameful. There is no secrecy in being black, having dark skin, or having light skin. Get used to talking in a matter of fact way, without judgment, about different cultures and about adoption. Maybe read up on what it's like to be black, african, hispanic, asian, any minority in this country and in your community. Then get ready to talk about some tougher topics with your kids (at an age appropriate level). You will have to explain racism. You will have to explain slavery, segregation, prejudice, and even modern day racism (it still exists!). You will have to prepare your children to encounter that one day, and how to handle it. Find people of your child's race in your community who could potentially be mentors to your child. Or at least start thinking about it. It's a lot of work, and a lot to think about. At first it will seem unnatural but after a while, it will start getting easier. Then it will get hard again when your kids start asking questions 🙂 It's not for everyone. I think living in a diverse area is very important, unfortunately not a lot of people can do that. You can compensate but you have to really try. Anyway, that's all I got!

    Reply
  7. lorismusings
    January 7, 2010

    I must admit I didn't realize the importance of this topic before we adopted so good for you that you are thinking about this now!

    We live in a suburb of a large metropolitan area so there is access to lots of activities and cultural diversity that we can take part in.

    We have also met several families (within a fairly close proximity) with kids from the same country our kids are from and I know how important it has been for them to have these connections. However, my girls have also really cherished relationships with other adopted children – no matter where they are from. In fact, home schooling can be a great way to expose children to other cultures and you are in control of how it is done! We are in a homeschool group that meets once a month and it has several families who have adopted from several different cultures. It is a wonderful learning tool and my girls love it! The group leader has even decided to take a culture each time we meet and use it for inspiration for our craft and teaching time.

    Perhaps you could talk with a local adoption agency and see if they will give names of families in the area who have adopted from Ethiopia. They may not be in your church, but are close enough to get together on a semi-regular basis.

    I think there are other ways to expose your adopted children to their culture as well – if you are purposed to do it.

    I can't say our family would move just to give my child the opportunity to live in an area where there are others from their culture, but if we were thinking of moving, I would certainly give that consideration in choosing a location to move to.

    Reply
  8. Anonymous
    January 7, 2010

    Love Isn't Enough (formerly known as Anti-Racist Parent) has some good articles on this subject.

    http://loveisntenough.com/

    Reply
  9. shell
    January 7, 2010

    I did not think that was super important when we first were adopting. When we brought B and J home, we did our best to be around all different types of people, but it wasnt enough. J, at 3, starting asking me questions "why does no one look like me?, Why am I the only one who looks like this?, etc". Tons of questions. On an almost daily basis. Last may, we made a move from the suburbs to the city. They went from a school 98% white to 20% white, 30% hispanic and 50% AA. i am not exaggerating when I say, since the day we moved in and started seeing African American people on a daily basis, he has not asked ONE TIME. It has been the best thing for all of us. Also, in talking with other friends who grew up w/white parents, they said the same thing. The hardest time in their lives was when they were put in situations where they were surrounded by mostly white people (one friend had only 5 black kids in is HS, was just relaying to me what a hard time it was). All that to say, we have to be SUPER sensitive to this. I am not saying don't adopt because you live in a white community, but we need to open our eyes for our children's sake. i am also reading a book right now called whitopia, about a black man who travels to the whitest cities in America. VERY interesting. Just my 2 cents being 3.5 years into this journey

    Reply
  10. Laurel
    January 9, 2010

    When we started the adoption process 2.5 years ago, we lived in a VERY white community (of about 10,000 people) … with 1 black family in town, and a couple of older adopted children from Haiti. In the past 2.5 years, an unimaginable amount of families have begun the adoption journey. There are now 7 other children from Ghana … 4 new children from Ethiopia … 2 more from Haiti … and another 7 children in process from Ghana and Ethiopia. My point … you never know what the Lord can do. You may be the initiator of an amazing work of God.

    Now … we moved to another (much smaller … only 2,000 population) community, and I think our children may be the only black children on the island. Oh well. Who knows what the Lord has in store for this community.

    Our children have adjusted very well to being in the minority. And … they have been treated very well by both small communities that we have lived in.

    Laurel
    mama of 13

    Reply

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