Transforming Love

Erin braided Dimple’s hair when we met up in Seattle last November.

Last December I wrote a post titled “Mother Hunger” about Dimple’s intense need to be loved by me. She needed a mother so desperately and she had been deprived of one so long.

A few days ago my friend, Erin, wrote a blog post on her experiences of adopting her children and the moment that they realized that she was their mother. It is beautifully written, so I asked Erin’s permission to share it here (her blog is private). Erin just celebrated her 31st birthday and has 11 children, three by birth and eight through adoption. She is amazing!
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Kids and Moms (and Dads)

I have been thinking a lot about kids lately… kids who don’t have moms (and dads)… kids waiting for moms, and what life is like for kids who do not have parents. I have been thinking about the transformation that occurs when a child realizes he has a mom, a dad, a family…security, love and somewhere to belong.

With some of our kids, that “realization” that they have a Mom and a family, that they have someone to belong to, someone to watch over them, someone to care for them and someone to love them, has been gradual. With some of our kids, there has been this “a ha!” moment, where you could just see that they “got it”.

There was baby Maggie… almost four months old… laying on the bed in our hotel in Vietnam on our first full day together (I had been visiting her for days at the hospital before this point). Before her hospitalization she had lived in a government orphanage where the babies had their names written on their legs in black magic marker so they could be told apart, and got very very little personal attention. She didn’t cry when she was hungry or when she wanted something. She was quiet and tiny, but I could tell she loved being held and loved the attention I was giving her.

I walked away from the bed where she was laying to get a bottle for her, and she made this teeny tiny pitiful (feeble attempt at a) cry, and I rushed over and picked her up and offered her the bottle. She got this look of amazement on her face with a little smile that seemed to say, “Holy cow! You mean that crying thing WORKS with you??” and after that she did not want anyone but me and always wanted me close. She got it. I was there for her. I was her mom.

With Mercy, she was nine years old. She had had a mom before, who did not value or respect her role as a mom. Mercy knew neglect and abuse and loss. Despite that, she came to us with an open heart and a surprising amount of trust. At one point during our first week, Des needed her hair washed (and Mercy had been the one to care for Des up until that point, even though she was only three years older). Mercy told Des to go into the bathroom so she could wash her hair, and I gently told Mercy that I could wash Des’s hair, and reminded her that that was the kind of thing a Mom should do. The social worker had warned us that “letting go” of being the caregiver of Des might be hard for Mercy and we might have some power struggles over it… but Mercy looked at me and looked at Des and looked back at me and said, “You wash all the other little kids… You would wash Des’s hair too?” and I said, “Yes”. And she said, “And then what would I do?” and I said, “Well, you could go play.” And she looked at Des again and then back at me, and then she got this huge smile on her face, and you could almost SEE her letting go of the responsibility of caring for her little sister. She ran over and gave me a hug, and then took off to play. She got it. I was there for her and for her sister. I was their mom.

With Solomon, that moment came when we left AHOPE for the second time together. We had spent two days together, and then we had gone back to AHOPE to visit. As we walked through the gate and the kids called out his name and came running to say hi to him, he sat in my arms with huge, silent tears running down his cheeks. He would not make eye contact with anyone (including me, the kids and the nannies) and just stared ahead with this heartbreaking acceptance of the fact that he thought he was being left. Again. It hurt me so much that he had come to accept this from life… that nice people came and went, but he did not truly belong to any of them. I couldn’t imagine how his little heart felt and how he had endured all that he had already. I comforted him and held him close and told him over and over again in his ear that I would never, never, never leave him.

He started to relax a little the longer we were there and I stayed with him, but he was not his usual self. And then it happened. I put him in the sling, we waved good-bye, went back out through the gate and headed back up the road towards the hotel for some lunch. He got this HUGE grin on his face, and was bouncing up and down in the sling laughing, and then grabbing my face and kissing it over and over as we walked. He was so happy and joyful. He got it. He was not going to be left again. I was HIS. He was mine. I was his Mom.

Since then I have watched him blossom with love. I have watched him learn how to expect and look forward to being held often, comforted when he cries, rocked to sleep, having his needs met, getting individual attention and being smothered in hugs and kisses often. As I crawled into bed last night, a few hours after I had put him down to sleep, his little body turned towards me, and without waking up, he put his arm on me, snuggled in close and let out a content sigh.

All kids deserve that knowledge, that peace and that comfort. All kids deserve to know that they are loved and that they belong to someone.

I believe with all my heart that our Heavenly Father did not send us down here to go at life alone, to worry about ourselves and to focus our lives on material and trivial things. I believe with all my heart that we are meant to live in families… mothers, fathers and children together, focusing our lives on loving, enjoying and serving each other.

We have several reasons to believe that Solomon most likely spent very little (if any) time with his first mother. And yet even after multiple changes in caregivers and “homes”, multiple losses and lots of suffering without a mom to comfort him, he KNEW what a Mom was for from our very first days together. His heart and soul reached out to mine and grabbed on firmly. He knew that he wanted a mom. He knew that hugs, kisses and rock-a-byes were something he wanted, deserved and needed. The other kids we met in Ethiopia knew it too. They knew that they belonged with parents. They knew that something big was missing from their lives.

My heart rejoices for my kids and others that have had their lives changed so drastically…who were once alone, and now live with love, security and family. Watching Solomon over the past few weeks has reminded me of what an incredible miracle adoption is.

And at the same time, my heart aches for the so very many kids who are living life alone right now. . Even the very best orphanage is no comparison to a home and family. It is wrong that these kids must wait and yearn for a family. They deserve, as all children do, the peace and security that comes with the knowledge of knowing that they belong to someone, that they are being cared for and that they are loved.

This is why I support adoption…because I have seen the sadness in the eyes of the children who wait for moms, I have seen the amazing transformation in children once they have been “claimed” and loved, and because I believe, with all my heart, that that love and belonging is what our lives on this Earth are supposed to be about.

Thanks for reading.

~Lisa

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Let me introduce myself. Russ and I are the parents of twelve children by birth and adoption, and sometimes more through foster care. I'm the creator of One Thankful Mom which has been as much of a gift to me as to my readers. In 2011 I became a TBRI® Pracitioner* and have lived and breathed connected parenting ever since. I'm deeply honored to be the co-author, together with the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, of The Connected Parent; it is her final written work. I love speaking at events for adoptive and foster parents. I'm also the co-founder of The Adoption Connection, a podcast and resource site for adoptive moms. I mentor and encourage adoptive moms so you can find courage and hope in your journeys of loving your children well.

0 Comments

  1. Sherry
    March 30, 2008

    That was lovely and heartfelt. Thanks to Erin for allowing you to share that. After this past week in conversation with my dad, I needed this today. Now, if only he would “get it”.

    Reply
  2. jen
    March 31, 2008

    Oh, I love it! Please give my thanks to Erin for allowing you to share it…and tell her I miss her blog. 😉

    Reply
  3. Charlotte
    March 31, 2008

    Oh my goodness, as I sit here in tears, it is a concept I never thought about with the older children. Two of my three adopted children were toddlers and all three of my younger children love me so much. It is so wonderful to be so loved. And people ask why we adopt ?

    Charlotte and crew

    Reply
  4. Anonymous
    April 1, 2008

    My family is in the very initial stages of considering Ethiopian adoption. (My 6 year old son is saving coins under his bed to help us bring his “brothers” from Ethiopia!). I have some questions for you and wonder if there is a way I could e-mail you? I’m not super “internet savvy”, and I don’t know how to contact you w/o posting my e-mail address here for all to see. Help?
    🙂

    Reply
  5. Thankfulmom
    April 1, 2008

    I would love to answer any questions you have. Please feel free to email me at thankfulmom@gmail.com

    Lisa

    Reply
  6. MLB
    April 1, 2008

    That was beautiful and amazing. This makes me so excited to be a mom a 3rd time.

    Reply
  7. Shonni Hassoldt
    September 11, 2008

    Hello, I have been loving time getting to know your family. My husband and I have 10 children, 3 biological and 7 adopted – China, S. Korea, Vietnam, domestic, and 3 from Liberia, Africa. The post adoption issue is something my husband and I are very interested in, not only for ourselves but because we also have the chance to share with so many other families. I have been so amazingly encouraged to read about you recent attachement with Honeybee. The picture of you holding her in your rocking chair is one of the most precious mother/child pictures!!!! Attaching with our children who have experienced past childhood trauma is something very precious to me and I find so much encouragement from other mothers who have been there. I wanted to see if there is a way for me to get in contact with Erin as we seem to have so much in common and I would love to read more about her mothering experience.
    Thank you for opening your family to me – there are all so beautiful!
    Shonni Hassoldt

    Reply
  8. Thankfulmom
    September 11, 2008

    Hi Shonni,

    Thank you for your comment and your encouraging words about Honeybee.

    If you email me at thankfulmom@gmail.com, I can forward your email to Erin. You can also read her blog at:
    http://fullhousehandshearts.typepad.com/

    Blessings,

    Lisa

    Reply

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