The Need to Protect and the Desire to Persevere

Most Monday mornings I rise early, make coffee, and settle into my morning routine – reading my Bible, reading my current book, and then writing until the kids wake.  Today I could hardly get out of bed.  It was only a short time ago when I shared that we thought there might be a tiny bit of progress, but the past week has dashed our hopes.

There is only so much I can say, but rages, screaming, crying, and opposition have been ruling our days.  Last night two of my children came to me in tears expressing fear for their own safety.  I didn’t sleep much as I struggled with my need to protect and my desire to persevere.

Today I am sending emails, making calls, and seeking more advice.  I called a fellow adoptive mom who has pursued different avenues of therapeutic parenting, and we are meeting this afternoon.  Russ is traveling for work, so Aunt Michele is keeping Dimples overnight; I told my little ones that tonight there will be no screaming.

This is a hard day, but I know deep within my soul that Jesus is with us.  Emmanuel, God with us – He comes into the mess of our lives and into the suffering. If there was ever a time to celebrate Christmas and the birth of Jesus, it would be now.  For our family, and many others, this Christmas is not about “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire….”  It is:

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Thank you for caring about our family.  If you think of us, please pray.

Encourage one another,

Lisa

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Let me introduce myself. Russ and I are the parents of twelve children by birth and adoption, and sometimes more through foster care. I'm the creator of One Thankful Mom which has been as much of a gift to me as to my readers. In 2011 I became a TBRI® Pracitioner* and have lived and breathed connected parenting ever since. I'm deeply honored to be the co-author, together with the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, of The Connected Parent; it is her final written work. I love speaking at events for adoptive and foster parents. I'm also the co-founder of The Adoption Connection, a podcast and resource site for adoptive moms. I mentor and encourage adoptive moms so you can find courage and hope in your journeys of loving your children well.

52 Comments

  1. Luana
    December 17, 2012

    Lisa;
    Praying for you and your family. No words,,,just love and prayers…
    Luana

    Reply
  2. Laura Dahlin
    December 17, 2012

    another person is praying for you.

    Reply
  3. Jennifer Anderson
    December 17, 2012

    worried about you dear friend. Please call me and let me know what I can do to help

    Reply
  4. Alyssa
    December 17, 2012

    Praying for a miracle of God's true healing and for peace in your heart and home. For your family, for this country, for all of us.

    Reply
  5. Becky
    December 17, 2012

    Praying praying and praying some more 🙂

    Reply
  6. Andrea
    December 17, 2012

    Praying with you… and feeling your pain. Hard days here too… sending you huge hugs!!! Love!!

    Reply
  7. Sheryl
    December 17, 2012

    yes I will …HE shines brightly in the darkness

    Reply
  8. Christine
    December 17, 2012

    Praying over your family!

    Reply
  9. mamitaj
    December 17, 2012

    Praying for peace in each of your hearts, and security in the hearts and lives of your children, especially the ones who feel most insecure.

    Reply
  10. Angela
    December 17, 2012

    Sorry. So hard. I know. We are not fearing for safety, but definitely can empathize on the screaming and even the rages. We have good days and bad days and it seems like right now there are more bad days than good ones. We did get in-home respite care going and three days a week I have two caregivers for two hours at a time to work with the twins. It is so relieving that it is in place… and at the same time I have peace cancelling certain days whenever I feel like it. I just need it available. Thank the Lord you have someone to take your child for you at times.

    I pray that you will find some answers. This is tough stuff.

    Reply
  11. Shannon G
    December 17, 2012

    Oh, I'm sorry Lisa. I'm praying for your family!

    Reply
  12. Jennie
    December 17, 2012

    Prince of Peace, bring your comfort and presence and hope to Lisa and her family today…

    Reply
  13. Mary (Owlhaven)
    December 17, 2012

    Praying….

    Reply
  14. Becky
    December 17, 2012

    My heart just aches for you and your family. Such a hard place. Praying for peace and healing.

    Reply
  15. Angela
    December 17, 2012

    i CLICKED before I was done. 🙁 I guess I wonder how other people actually manage with the intensity of this behavior that seems to go on and on… (going on three yrs here). I can be patient for quite awhile. I can use the tools I've learned one at a time for days on end …. until I run out and then I reach a breaking point where I have no patience left. I last night was one of those moments. My voice was loud and I made it absolutely clear that she'd crossed a line, but there was another line that if crossed would result in serious loss of privilege. From there I would not talk with her or be with her. I felt awful about it – but I could not connect with her and wasn't willing to try. I sent her to bed later without connecting and she tossed and turned for a long time.

    Reply
  16. Mary
    December 17, 2012

    Praying for you all right now.

    Reply
  17. Kathy Davis
    December 17, 2012

    Praying for peace, healing and understanding.

    Reply
  18. Tricia Sayre
    December 17, 2012

    Oh, I'm so sorry!! I can't imagine what you're going through!
    Lord, we beg You to bring healing for Dimples that only You can do. Please keep their whole family strong in You, able to persevere through the pain and love with Your love. In Jesus's precious name Amen.
    Thank you for always being vulnerable and honest in your blog..even in the midst of great pain. It is encouraging to the rest of us who walk this adoption and parenting journey with you 🙂

    Reply
  19. Abbey
    December 17, 2012

    Praying, Lisa…I knew there was a reason you were so much on my heart today. So sorry for your pain…call anytime.

    Reply
  20. Emily
    December 17, 2012

    Love you. Let's talk if you have a minute. I'd like to help in any way.

    Reply
  21. Michelle
    December 17, 2012

    I am praying for you! You are such an encouragement and light to me. I sadly relate to this post way too much. We have had about 4 days without an outburst. I want to believe we are are a healing path but than a new thing enters. Our darkness these last few months has been safety related as well (hers and ours). I constantly grasp to the truth of darkness to light and God will protect my little ones. I have to believe unconditional love will transform her life. But fear has crept in through my exhaustion, especially fear of the trauma my little ones are going through. I read the Whole Brain Child and think I "choose" to mess with their brains. 🙁 BUT, thankful God clearly led us and will keep leading. But, we are tired. We are more in love with her than ever but want to be done more than ever. I want freedom for her AND for us. I would be oh so thankful to hear of other techniques you learn. Laughing and having fun when things are so serious is SOOOOO hard!

    Thank you for your authenticity, maturity in your walk, encouragement and leadership!

    Reply
  22. Eileen
    December 17, 2012

    Oh, I'm so sorry. We too are going through the depths right now and I can completely relate.

    Praying for all of us. For wisdom. For insight. For comfort. For strength. For a miracle.

    Reply
  23. Sharon
    December 17, 2012

    Praying for you right now.

    Reply
  24. Donna
    December 17, 2012

    Oh definately praying! Seems like Christmas is a struggle for many children. I do not think the enemy wants this to be a time of peace for their souls. Praying for you in this mighty battle.

    Reply
  25. Tricia
    December 17, 2012

    Hugs and prayers.

    Reply
  26. Zack's Mom
    December 17, 2012

    Praying for peace for all in your family…blessings on you this day.

    Reply
  27. Ani
    December 17, 2012

    Praying for you.

    Reply
  28. courtneycassada
    December 17, 2012

    oh, lisa. i'm so so sorry. my heart fell as i read this. praying for your heart – that you wouldn't focus on the past, that you would be gentle with yourself and let Him cover you with His love and peace. and praying for WISDOM and like-minded decision making with Russ. i could go on and on. know that i'm praying for you a LOT!

    Reply
  29. Haley
    December 17, 2012

    Praying for you all.

    Reply
  30. Joelle
    December 17, 2012

    Praying fervently. Have prayed since the first day of adoption for God's victory over satan's destruction.

    Reply
  31. Katherine
    December 17, 2012

    Lisa, Thank you so much for your honesty. It helps me feel less alone. I am praying for you tonight.

    Reply
  32. suzanne
    December 17, 2012

    Praying for you – for overwhelming peace, for relentless grace, for unwavering hope.

    Reply
  33. Amber
    December 17, 2012

    Oh sweet thing. I'm so sorry. I will pray for you.

    Reply
  34. Debi
    December 17, 2012

    Thank you yet again for your vulnerability. We, too, were seeing glimpses of hope/healing, but this past week has been just awful. I have felt so alone as we struggled to find help. I, too, made phone calls and sent emails today, desperately seeking help and wisdom. Then, I come read your blog and the tears form….somehow, even just through a blog, I dont feel so alone in the struggle. Thank you. I am praying for you!

    Reply
  35. Hannah Jasmine Tucker
    December 17, 2012

    Yes. Praying for you all.

    Reply
  36. Gina
    December 17, 2012

    Praying! I will be praying for your family daily, expecially when my own child is screaming. It will benefit both your family and mine for me to have something to do during these times.

    Reply
  37. Ann
    December 17, 2012

    I am praying right now and I will continue to pray until you find redemption. I can only imagine how difficult it is to have your other children coming to you with pleas for safety. Know that there are so many who care and are walking beside you. Praying. Praying. Jesus, please heal hearts.

    Reply
  38. Anna
    December 18, 2012

    Lisa,

    Praying over you all. This breaks my heart!

    Reply
  39. Heidi
    December 18, 2012

    Praying, Lisa.

    Reply
  40. Michelle Riggs
    December 18, 2012

    I am so sorry things remain tough for your family. I will keep praying for you all.

    Reply
  41. Lisa 2
    December 18, 2012

    I'm praying for you also that God will provide continued healing.

    Reply
  42. Charity
    December 18, 2012

    ah, my friend…my heart is heavy for your load…but i find it remarkably encouraging that in these situations where there are no answers in the world, so many have come to the same answer, to call down the powers of heaven in behalf of a friend in need…it strengthens my soul to read over and over, that there are others out there who understand the power of prayer. The Lord God of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps….keep the faith sister. we love you and your family…each one of them.

    Reply
  43. Ellen
    December 18, 2012

    I woke up praying for you all this morning. He's Immanuel, and He's with you.

    Reply
  44. Linda
    December 18, 2012

    Hugs and prayers. I relate too well and know that sometimes we've done all we could, yet our children and family still suffer. I wrote more, but the words were hollow. May God give you wisdom, peace, and hope.

    Reply
  45. Ann Megill
    December 18, 2012

    Praying, friend.

    Reply
  46. Carrie
    December 18, 2012

    Hoping today has brought you some peace. Praying for healing for Dimples for healing. Praying for you and Russ and the rest of your family members to be able to persevere in spite of what may seem a huge mountain in front of you. Honestly, I only had about 2 years with my bio son where parenting was a challenge and it seemed like an eternity. My son is now a delight to my soul. May the Lord allow you to say that one day.

    Reply
  47. ahhodgman
    December 19, 2012

    Very sorry to hear about this. Is it possible that tension about Christmas itself is contributing to some of the child's tension? No matter how hard we try to keep Santa out of the Christmas picture, the stories about his "knowing if you've been bad or good" filter their way through. To say nothing of changes in routine, family members returning home after an absence, and fear of being ignored/disappointed on Christmas Day.

    Not that any of this helps right now, I know. But this Episcopal/secular humanist is praying for you and your family. I do have to say this: if a child becomes a danger to siblings, respite may not be enough. Sometimes–only sometimes, thank God!–the needs of the rest of the family are greater than the needs of one.

    Reply
  48. amy
    December 19, 2012

    I'm so sorry to hear, hope is our greatest treasure and I can imagine, right now – you are feeling in short supply. It is almost worse to feel hopeful and then have it dashed – Praying for hope and peace.

    Reply
  49. Karen P
    December 19, 2012

    Praying for all of you…

    Reply
  50. Theresa
    December 20, 2012

    I saw your post the other day and I continue to pray for your family as you fight these spiritual battles that rage within your daughter. During my quiet moment with the Lord He brought to mind a point in my life that I wanted to share with you. We all have attachment issues when it comes to trusting in God or people. Mine, while not as severe as your daughter, brought me to a cross roads with Jesus. I have been saved for 'most of my life, but I was alone for most of the journey with God. About 7 years into my marriage I realized that there were places in my heart that no human nor even the Lord were allowed entrance. Places so vunerable, in my mind, keeping these things hidden was a protection to guard me from further hurt. Yet it was also the things that kept me from a healthy attachment to my own family…… Through a bible study called Healed and Set Free by Tammy Brown the Lord was able to have my hurt and show me, through his word, that His plans far exceeded mine. That he wanted to see and heal all that was broken within me. Yet that as long as I kept the chains of bondage to my hurt I would never be free to do what the Lord had planned for me. We are now foster parents to children with these RAD issues. In dealing with my own personal trust/hurt I have come to realize to the battle is not between flesh and blood but of the powers and principalities of the unseen. I pray that your family is provided with the endurance and strength to continue the healing process with her!

    Reply
  51. Laurel
    December 20, 2012

    Sometimes . . . a Residential Care Facility is the best option for EVERYONE. We do not feel that we "gave up". We do not believe we "gave her away". No. We absolutely believe that we made the very best choice . . . for Little Miss . . . and for the rest of the family. The need for our children to feel SAFE in their own home is HUGE. We could not allow the trauma-filled life of one child to cause our other children to suffer the effects of their own trauma (at the hands of Little Miss).

    Let me know if you ever want to discuss this option. Our Little Miss is thriving there. It is a GOOD place, filled with the LOVE of the LORD.

    Laurel
    mama of 12

    Reply
  52. Katie Szotkiewicz Patel
    December 22, 2012

    Oh Lisa!Somehow I missed this blog post til just now….so, so sorry you are in such a rough time. I will pray for God's strength, wisdom, and protection for you and your family. Thank you for being so open about your struggles…I pray that as you read the comments from everyone that it would just lift your spirits and encourage you as you continue this journey. May the Lord's presence be so, so near to you right now…

    Reply

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