Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference.

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Amen, amen, and amen.

I am in control of very few things, as much as I would like it to be otherwise.

Parenting is the perfect opportunity to learn this lesson.

From potty training to teaching our children to drive, we do our best, offering tips, providing tools and systems. We encourage and support.

But at the end of the day, our children alone are the ones who learn to keep their pants dry or pass their driver’s test.

What about kids from “hard places”?

We offer love, create an environment of structure and nurture that is as healing as possible.

We use the most therapeutic parenting tools we know, imperfectly, but we do our best.

Still, we cannot dictate our child’s response. [Interestingly, they cannot control ours either.]

Our children are not controlled by us – we do A and they respond with B. They are complex little people.

Many have histories we will never know and they may never consciously remember – although the memories are stored in their brains and bodies.

We cannot change our children’s histories. We grieve when we learn more, the details rushing through our minds as we lie awake at night.

I know I’m not the only one.

We wish we could go back and protect them from harm, but we weren’t there, we didn’t even know our children those years ago.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

What about our kids who didn’t come from “hard places;” the kids already in our families?

Some of our childrens’ lives became so chaotic with the addition of traumatized siblings, they became traumatized themselves.

We created “hard places” for the children already in our families.

This is something we wish we could change, but the harm can’t be undone and smoothed over.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Grieve the loss of what your children’s life was like before. Acknowledge the sorrow you feel over the changes, and possibly even harm done to your children.

It’s certainly not what you intended when you added more children to your family – it’s not what Russ and I intended.

But it happened.

We can’t go back and change what’s been done, but we can go forward.

Courage to change the things I can.

What can we change?

Russ and I finally reached our lowest point and admitted things weren’t going to “get better.” The kids weren’t going to settle in and adjust.

We were in way over our heads.

We sought help for the children.

We started with an adoption medicine clinic and then with a therapist who specialized in adopted children.

Finding a good therapist takes courage, friends. Trusting someone with the very heart and mind of your child – that was huge for me.

We found support for ourselves.

We needed friends who understood what was happening in our family and loved us without judgment.

There were dear friends from our life before adoption who stood by us. We also found new friends in the adoption community who became lifelines for us.

We increased safety.

Some changes were simple while others were complex, but we intentionally set about making our home children safer.

We staggered bedtimes to avoid bullying behavior. We put baby monitors in rooms so we could hear conversations. We separated combinations of kids when possible.

We changed the way we educated our children in order to provide space and respite for them during the day. This took real courage for me.

We gave voice to our children and learned to listen.

We’ve continued making changes for the health of our family in the ten years since we adopted.

And wisdom to know the difference.

This is where we have to be discerning. Is it within my power to change the matter at hand?

Can I change this without sacrificing my relationship with my husband?

Can I change it without sacrificing the good of my other children?

What about my own health and well-being?

Can I be at peace with this issue/challenge/problem and simply wait to see what God will do?

Can I listen?

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I seem to ask myself these questions regularly. I’m prone to striving and fretting, but it’s useless – worrying produces absolutely nothing good.

I ponder these questions, especially as we move toward another school year.

Are we making the right decisions for our kids? Do I have good supports in place?

Do I need courage to make changes or should I be at peace?

I also consider this prayer often in my marriage. 

I cannot change Russ nor can he change me.

We can influence one another, listen and love each other, but we can only change ourselves.

This means choosing serenity and closing my mouth when everything in me wants to bicker and complain.

It means the same for Russ – I’m not especially easy to live with and we don’t always see eye to eye.

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind and daily reminds me to set aside those things over which I have no control while also seeking wisdom about those which I do.

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Do you have challenges requiring serenity? How about courage?

Do you struggle to discern the difference?

I hope this prayer and my thoughts are a blessing to you today. God be with you, friend.

In hope and courage for the journey.

Lisa