Loss Upon Loss

October 2010

Dimples is coping with loss right now, and that is very hard for a little girl who struggles to process big feelings and has been wounded so much.

1. Dimples’ “special staff” member is gone on vacation for a month.  This is the person at the school who is intentionally building the closest relationship with Dimples.

2. Russ and I had to cancel our visit due to my health. This was especially hard because it was a Parent Weekend, so many of the children had parents visiting.

3.  Although being with family is unbearable for Dimples, she seems to miss us –  I think. Last night she asked if she could have a Skype call with her sisters sometime soon.

4.  And then there are the big losses of her first parents, extended family, home, culture, language, and so many other  things. These losses form the foundation of her pain.

That’s a lot of loss for a child and Dimples is struggling to keep the pain from rushing out in a wave so big that she can’t control it.

Last week when we couldn’t make our visit, she told her therapist she was afraid I might die. She doesn’t want to lose another mom. I’m sure those feelings are very confusing for her since she also really doesn’t want me to be her mom.

The staff is giving her a lot of support by helping her to talk about her feelings and meeting her needs. We Skyped with her   last Friday and assured her that I am not dying and that we have good doctors to help us.

I gave myself my last shot yesterday morning, had labs draw in the afternoon, and will see the hematologist today. Russ is coming to the appointment with me, which is hard with the schedule he has, and I really appreciate it.

Our friend, Emily, is here helping with the kids, which has made everything so much easier – and happier. This is her spring break from grad school and we love having her here.

Have a wonderful day, friends.

Lisa

 

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Let me introduce myself. Russ and I are the parents of twelve children by birth and adoption, and sometimes more through foster care. I'm the creator of One Thankful Mom which has been as much of a gift to me as to my readers. In 2011 I became a TBRI® Pracitioner* and have lived and breathed connected parenting ever since. I'm deeply honored to be the co-author, together with the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, of The Connected Parent; it is her final written work. I love speaking at events for adoptive and foster parents. I'm also the co-founder of The Adoption Connection, a podcast and resource site for adoptive moms. I mentor and encourage adoptive moms so you can find courage and hope in your journeys of loving your children well.

0 Comments

  1. SleepyKnitter
    March 26, 2013

    So much for you to carry, as well! Praying for God’s strength and perseverance in your health, and for Dimples as she struggles to heal.

    Reply
  2. AmyE
    March 26, 2013

    Will pray for your family today … but especially Dimples. When you talk about her difficulty dealing with big emotions, it is so like my own. His daily, constant refrain is "It's not fair!" over the smallest perceived inequities … and yet the biggest "unfair" thing in his life … the loss of his first family, culture, home, etc. is something he doesn't have any ability to feel. Thanks for continuing to share so openly.

    Reply
  3. Heidi
    March 26, 2013

    This is interesting timing with your health issues. I wonder how God might be using it to bring healing to Dimples. Praying.

    Reply
  4. Hannah Jasmine
    March 26, 2013

    Praying daily for grace for you and Dimples and the rest of the family, and for God's mercy to be overwhelming.

    Reply
  5. linedancergal
    March 26, 2013

    Hey. I'm not at all sure about that bit 'since she also really doesn’t want me to be her mom,' I think it's far more likely that she desperately wants it, but is too scared that she'll get hurt again so she is telling herself and everyone else that she doesn't want it. People are funny like that. If we think we could get hurt (and especially if we've been hurt in the past) we often will choose to hurt ourselves so that at least we control it. If you want to see it, just watch Dr Phil. Over and over he has people who are choosing painful options in their lives because they fear how much they could get hurt if they choose what they really want – and that's adults! For a kid it must be SO hard!

    Reply
  6. Angela
    March 26, 2013

    Thinking of you and your family very much!! I am sure it feels like your health issues is just one more burden right now. Dimples sounds so much like our adopted daughter (age 8). Our struggles with her are ever-present!

    Reply
  7. Leslie
    March 26, 2013

    Such a lot for her to carry. Praying for others to help her carry this and for her heart to learn how to feel and trust. Praying for you. Hugs.

    Reply
  8. Mamitaj
    March 26, 2013

    Such a hard thing…praying for you all. Hugs to you, Lisa.

    Reply
  9. Tricia
    March 27, 2013

    My heart breaks for Dimples – too much for a little girl to handle. I know that if I even feel a bit "off", our girls fear I am going to die. Emily is a breath of joy and fresh air! Enjoy! I hope that you continue to find space for healing and rest – tall order for one with your role/job!

    Reply
    1. Lisa Qualls
      March 27, 2013

      I know, Tricia, it really is so much for her; thankfully, I think she is getting the help and support she needs. And yes, Emily is such a joyful friend!

      Reply

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