Russ traveled to California for a meeting this week. It was the first time he’d been away since the accident and I was a little anxious about it. It’s not that life is terribly hard, it’s more that we are leaning hard on one another. I often rest my head on his chest and breathe; I need to feel connected, hear his heartbeat, and borrow a little of his strength.
We’ve experienced so much in our years together – since we were seniors in high school. We’ve had many challenges and faced everything we promised in our marriage vows: better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. Thirty years of marriage have allowed us to experience the highest heights and lowest lows.
Now we’re surviving something we never could have imagined – the loss of our child. This may sound strange, but I’m thankful we were together and experienced the accident and our loss of Kalkidan side-by-side. I don’t have to explain anything because Russ was with me; in many ways he was my eyes and ears. He holds the memories my brain can’t.
So often, my heart is full of heaviness but I hardly need to say a word, and when I do, Russ completely understands. We were holding on to each other in the emergency room, and we’re holding on to each other now.
One day we need to get away to really talk, pray, and process. Caring for the children and working on my physical recovery have consumed our lives – and on top of it all, Russ has gone to work every day since the semester began. One generous reader offered us her vacation home in Connecticut; I can’t tell you how often I think of getting on a plane and going. Too bad it’s all the way across the country – but you never know.
Tomorrow Russ and I are driving to the Spokane Orphan Summit and for the very first time, I will pass the site of the accident (Russ has been by before). I don’t know if we’ll stop or keep driving. I don’t know if I’ll step out onto that field and feel nearly nothing, or if I’ll fall on my knees weeping. I have no idea. Whatever happens, Russ will be with me, he’ll hold onto me and let me feel whatever it is I feel. We are fully in this together and I am deeply thankful.
I tried to blog all week, but with Russ gone and some other craziness, it’s come down to Friday afternoon. I don’t know if many of you will even see this, but if you do, please pray for us tomorrow as we drive, and as we speak to and with adoptive and foster families.
Have a wonderful weekend, friends.
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