Comments on: Tuesday Topic: Fierce Competition Among Siblings http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/ Honest reflections on the challenges and blessings of love. Tue, 07 Feb 2012 16:28:23 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Mamita J http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/comment-page-1/#comment-2949 Mamita J Tue, 29 Dec 2009 04:57:51 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/1/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/#comment-2949 Well...I wish I had loads of wonderful advice to give you, but we are suffering from the same troubles at our house. <br /><br />I look forward to hearing what everyone has to say. I hope I can pick up some wisdom. :-)<br /><br />Love,<br />Julie Well…I wish I had loads of wonderful advice to give you, but we are suffering from the same troubles at our house.

I look forward to hearing what everyone has to say. I hope I can pick up some wisdom. :-)

Love,
Julie

]]> By: gloria http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/comment-page-1/#comment-2879 gloria Fri, 18 Dec 2009 00:05:15 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/1/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/#comment-2879 We struggle with this every day as well. We have a 4 year old bio son and a 3 1/2 year old adopted daughter (as well as a 7 year old bio daughter). I think the closeness in age is a huge factor -- some call it artificial twinning. Having someone else constantly in the same developmental stage as you must be tough! <br /><br />In some ways my son and daughter are incredibly close, but they also fight - a LOT! I don't know that there is any magic bullet; we try to take it day by day, situation by situation. And we try to be patient and respectful of both children. <br /><br />I think it's important not to take sides or presume that there is one guilty party and one innocent party (a bully or victim). It's way more complicated than that. I saw an interesting program once that featured parents who were frustrated by their kids' fighting. In many cases, the parents assumed that one child was the primary instigator, yet when the children were taped, the findings were that the one who perhaps was most obvious/overt in her "bad" behavior was often reacting to behavior from the other child that the parent didn't see (in other words, some kids are more covert than others!) <br /><br />I also try to understand the power dynamic/motivation. Our adopted daughter can sometimes goad her brother, but that's in part because it's her only place of power - he's bigger than her and he is more physical, so can take her in a physical fight. She's learned to use whatever technique she can - usually emotional. And of course a triad is notoriously challenging, as there is always one "man" out and a child can quickly figure out that saying she likes one sibling better can get a rise out of the other one. <br /><br />I try to teach all my kids not to give others (especially siblings) too much power over their own emotions/behavior -- i.e. believe that their state of mind/emotions can be controlled by the other. So if my daugher is taunting my son, I suggest to him that he not react (because that's what she's looking for). Of course the flip side is harder -- you can't ignore hitting or violence. <br /><br />Not sure any of this is helpful. It's tough, especially since sibling fighting is a trigger for me as a parent! We struggle with this every day as well. We have a 4 year old bio son and a 3 1/2 year old adopted daughter (as well as a 7 year old bio daughter). I think the closeness in age is a huge factor — some call it artificial twinning. Having someone else constantly in the same developmental stage as you must be tough!

In some ways my son and daughter are incredibly close, but they also fight – a LOT! I don't know that there is any magic bullet; we try to take it day by day, situation by situation. And we try to be patient and respectful of both children.

I think it's important not to take sides or presume that there is one guilty party and one innocent party (a bully or victim). It's way more complicated than that. I saw an interesting program once that featured parents who were frustrated by their kids' fighting. In many cases, the parents assumed that one child was the primary instigator, yet when the children were taped, the findings were that the one who perhaps was most obvious/overt in her "bad" behavior was often reacting to behavior from the other child that the parent didn't see (in other words, some kids are more covert than others!)

I also try to understand the power dynamic/motivation. Our adopted daughter can sometimes goad her brother, but that's in part because it's her only place of power – he's bigger than her and he is more physical, so can take her in a physical fight. She's learned to use whatever technique she can – usually emotional. And of course a triad is notoriously challenging, as there is always one "man" out and a child can quickly figure out that saying she likes one sibling better can get a rise out of the other one.

I try to teach all my kids not to give others (especially siblings) too much power over their own emotions/behavior — i.e. believe that their state of mind/emotions can be controlled by the other. So if my daugher is taunting my son, I suggest to him that he not react (because that's what she's looking for). Of course the flip side is harder — you can't ignore hitting or violence.

Not sure any of this is helpful. It's tough, especially since sibling fighting is a trigger for me as a parent!

]]> By: heidi http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/comment-page-1/#comment-2875 heidi Thu, 17 Dec 2009 09:42:53 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/1/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/#comment-2875 Very much looking forward to hearing other answers to this one. We struggle with it as well and I find myself reacting in such a negative, condemning way because it is ugly, and I don't like it. Today, however, we had what I hope is a breakthrough. My daughter, who has been nasty to her brother since the two days after we brought him into the family, told him that she loved him and gave him a hug. I have to wonder if she is repeating what I often say, which is, "You can not be mean to your brother. You need to love him. He is one of the most important people in the world to you."<br /><br />I don't know, but I did pour on the accolades after that hug! Very much looking forward to hearing other answers to this one. We struggle with it as well and I find myself reacting in such a negative, condemning way because it is ugly, and I don't like it. Today, however, we had what I hope is a breakthrough. My daughter, who has been nasty to her brother since the two days after we brought him into the family, told him that she loved him and gave him a hug. I have to wonder if she is repeating what I often say, which is, "You can not be mean to your brother. You need to love him. He is one of the most important people in the world to you."

I don't know, but I did pour on the accolades after that hug!

]]> By: Paul and DeeDee http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/comment-page-1/#comment-2874 Paul and DeeDee Thu, 17 Dec 2009 01:01:52 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/1/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/#comment-2874 Oh I like this question a lot! My kiddos are 14 months apart but we think our adopted daughter is probably older so they are actually closer than that. They are already competitive at 2 1/2 and 18 months! Oh I like this question a lot! My kiddos are 14 months apart but we think our adopted daughter is probably older so they are actually closer than that. They are already competitive at 2 1/2 and 18 months!

]]> By: Sandee http://www.onethankfulmom.com/the-daily/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/comment-page-1/#comment-2873 Sandee Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:59:23 +0000 http://www.onethankfulmom.com/1/tuesday-topic-fierce-competition-among-siblings/#comment-2873 My children are a little older, 11, 9 and 6. My 6 year old is adopted, home 3 years now. I have such fierce competition between my 9 and 6 year old...it is painful. :(<br /><br />We recently have been reading at the dinner table this book: Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends (Paperback)<br />~ Sarah Mally (Author), Stephen Mally (Author), Grace Mally (Author),<br /><br />And it is SLOWLY making a difference. Planting seeds. It is still a great battle, but the lessons learned is majorly impacint my 11 year old and it seems to rub off and trickle down to the younger ones. <br /><br />THere is another good book I have read, Sibling Rivalry.... But if I had to pick one, it would be the first one. It is written by two sisters and a brother and written in a way my children can understand. My children are a little older, 11, 9 and 6. My 6 year old is adopted, home 3 years now. I have such fierce competition between my 9 and 6 year old…it is painful. :(

We recently have been reading at the dinner table this book: Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends (Paperback)
~ Sarah Mally (Author), Stephen Mally (Author), Grace Mally (Author),

And it is SLOWLY making a difference. Planting seeds. It is still a great battle, but the lessons learned is majorly impacint my 11 year old and it seems to rub off and trickle down to the younger ones.

THere is another good book I have read, Sibling Rivalry…. But if I had to pick one, it would be the first one. It is written by two sisters and a brother and written in a way my children can understand.

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