My Wild Animals - Minus Eby (who declined the photo op)
Do you remember when I first discovered Five Minute Cards? I wrote about them in these posts.
In our last appointment, Deborah pointed out that we have begun to slip back into some old habits of allowing behavior to spiral upward(or would it be downward?) rather than catching it quickly and acting. She suggested that we begin giving Five Minute Cards at the first sign of arguing, whining, chanting (“I don’t know what to eat…I don’t know what to eat…”), etc. If we can interrupt the behavior, Dimples can catch herself and her brain can stop the cycle before she loses herself in it. [...]
I am doing this regularly and I see progress. There have been several occasions when I have issued a Five Minute Card, waited a moment, and issued another, and she has been able to correct herself.
Yesterday morning we had a situation where Dimples just couldn’t regain control and she ended up earning one hour of Five Minute Cards. Last night, as soon as dinner was over, she got ready for bed and Russ tucked her in; it was an hour earlier than her siblings. There were a few tears, but she handled it very well. An early bedtime was a clear consequence, not a punishment.
Dimples got the rest she needed and woke up this morning with a cheerful smile. Her slate is clean and her Five Minute Card box is empty. While I’m tempted to hope that it won’t fill back up, in reality, filling and emptying it is a good and healthy process. She is learning. We are learning.
Give it a try – it just might work for your child too.
~Lisa
Thank you Lisa! I appreciated this idea you first mentioned, it but didn't use it. I think I will talk to my husband about working on it. The boys sleep in the same room though, it will make for an interesting schedule. But I like it.
Blessings
Andrea
Andrea, our girls sleep in the same room too, but that hasn't been a problem. I hope it works for you!
Lisa,
We are currently working with a counselor to help our daughter through moments that she perceives as being 'fearful' and I love the idea of these 5 min consequence cards. The biggest problem we are having with our 4 1/2 yo right now is whining and tantrums. It's like she has entered the terrible twos and the constant whining, feet stomping and crying is like nails on a chalkboard sometimes. Right now we have been advised to affirm her feelings, to give her words that will connect with her emotions. That in times of tantrumming we should hold her and help her to calm down so that there will be an opportunity for a teachable moment later. I get that and am on board. Prim's reactions sound a lot like Dimples and I was wondering how you might apply 5 min cards to some of the situations we have with Prim. For instance, she doesn't like to go upstairs by herself (or be anywhere by herself unless it's on her terms), saying "no" to her leads to crying and whining and lately her just asking for anything is done in a whiny voice. While I agree that she needs to be validated so that eventually she makes those new connections and learns to overcome those initial "fearful" reactions, I also need her to understand that she can not hold the family hostage by her emotions. Any thoughts? We love our counselor but it's always good to get feedback from others who have been there as well!!
Thanks for sharing. April
April, I think you are getting a lot of good advice, especially giving your child words to use to express her feelings. I have tried to use five min. cards with Eby, but at almost five, it doesn't seem as effective. At his age, his consequences need to be immediate e.g. "Use your words and try that again." or "You threw the cup on the floor, now you need to put it in the dishwasher as well as four more dishes." For tantrums, I try to catch them before he gets to that point. Holding him only causes it to escalate – but if I can intervene (e.g. take him to the trampoline) as soon as he begins to get agitated, sometimes I can prevent it from happening.
I also try to give him choices, "Would you like to jump on your trampoline or sit at the counter and chew a piece of gum?" I've also had recent success with getting him to take deep slow, calming breaths e.g. "Smell the flower… blow the candle" using my hand to be the flower and candle. When all else fails, he sits in the "think it over" chair until he is calm and then he calls "Ready Mom" and we work through the problem.
I hope that is helpful.
Hmmm……I am thinking that could really help our Sarah. Thank you!
Another great idea. Thanks, Lisa.
Thanks so much Lisa! I think our issue is Prim's immediate reaction to EVERYTHING is whining. Anything she perceives to be negative sends her into that mode along with crying. Affirming her has only seemed to escalate her reactions although I know that that can be a sign of eventual improvement.
I might try a "think about it" chair. We often send her to another room to calm herself down and then she can come back when she is ready to talk calmly. I know she feels like it's a punishment but really she needs some space to take a breath. Usually after that she's done and ready to talk!
Thanks again for posting about your sweet babies and the adjustment process. I find it difficult to explain to our family sometimes that Prim's reactions are deeper than those of a "typical" four year old. I try to blog about our experiences in the hopes that it will help other families and am appreciate of families like yours that do as well.
April
April, I was thinking more about this last night and I want to suggest a couple of things about whining. They may or may not work based on her maturity.
When she whines, stop what you are doing, take her two little hands in yours and calmly say to her (with a sweet smile on your face and a loving expression in your eyes – hard sometimes, I know), "Prim, say that again in your big girl voice." When she does, praise her with big smiles, etc. If she refuses, let her sit on a chair near you and call you when she is ready to try again. When she calls "Ready" go right back to her, hold her hands in yours, look in her eyes and let her try again.
Another option, if she is old enough to understand it, is to say, "My listening ears are closed to whining." I use a hand gesture too, because visual images are powerful when our kids are already dysregulated. I wrote a post about it:http://www.onethankfulmom.com/attachment-and-trau…
I have had to accept that in the orphanage, my daughter found that whining was an effective means of having her needs met. It is taking a long time to retrain her, but she is learning.
Thanks for sharing your experiences.
Great, great tips Lisa!
With my son I got down at eye level with him for EVERYTHING! I think I've gotten out of the habit with Prim b/c of her age so this is a good reminder for me to remember her emotional age and do some of the things that I once did when she was even younger. And, yes, that smile is difficult sometimes but the end result is so worth it!!
Have a great day!