This isn’t a post I thought I would write today, but my heart is very heavy for a special boy and his family. Due to many years of living in an orphanage, he has some behaviors that make it difficult for him to be in a family with younger siblings. My friends adopted him fully intending that they would always be his family; they were committed to him. But they also have a younger son who is vulnerable.
J. is eight years old and needs a Christian family with no younger children. He would thrive in a family that is interested in helping him develop his athletic talent. Russ and I got to spend time with J. on both of our trips to Ethiopia and he became special to us. He is also a friend of Dimples and we looked forward to seeing him again once he was in the U.S. We would take him ourselves were it not for the young children we already have.
Parenting a child who has experienced trauma, neglect, and loss is not a simple task. I assure you that love will not be enough. J. will most likely need therapy to help him through this transition and to bring healing to him from his life in Ethiopia. Caring for him may be intense; especially in the early months. You will need support, such as a close extended family, good friends, an involved church, and a good school. You cannot raise a child with special needs alone.
This is what his mom has to say about him:
J. is super athletic and loves soccer, basketball, he can’t wait to learn to swim this summer . . .the soccer teams on our league fight over him. Honestly, he could be a professional runner or soccer player someday- he is that gifted. He loves running long distances and feels sky high after he finishes a 3 or 5 mile trail jog with his dad.
Academically he is doing well. Although he has been in school only since December, he is already catching up to 2nd grade reading and math is his favorite subject. It is amazing to think that he barely spoke English last October, and now he has a good command of the language and is reading the same passages for homework that his schoolmates are. His teacher adores him, pretty much everybody does.
Socially J. is super friendly, greeting the crossing guard in Spanish during his second month in America, “Buenos Dias Blanca!”- All of our mouths hung open. And this is his usual personality. We have had some serious behavioral problems setting limits with him at home, and had quite a spell with defiance and willfulness that about drove us crazy. But he seems to have come through that for the most part. He is not a violent child, he’s is more likely to be passively-aggressive in the face of frustration than outwardly aggressive. Generally J. just has a happy disposition and is very sociable, outgoing and friendly. He wants to help in the kitchen, in the garage, in the yard. He is charming and sweet and just so likeable.
Physically he is very healthy; although he has a chronic medical condition that requires medication and quarterly visits with a specialist.
If you desire to serve the fatherless, and want to consider making J. your child, please contact me and I will pass your information to his family. My email address is:
lisa@onethankfulmom.com
Thank you so much.
~Lisa
My heart is heavy as well. This is the third adopted child I've heard of this week who is needing to find a new home. All three children Ethiopian, all three the same age. Part of me may be reacting in fear as we are in the process of bringing home an Ethiopian girl the same age coming from an orphanage setting and we have two younger children in the home. We know only limited information about her. We're adopting her in faith. It's so hard, because I'm sure each of these three families had full hearts, as I do, to parent these children forever. What can anyone do? I hate that feeling of fear that "what if" we were to join these families in their heartbreak for our own child. What can we do to "be prepared"? There are so many children needing homes with that extra something to help them heal. Lord, I pray that you be that "extra something" my daughter needs…I pray that "J" and "F" and "E" will also find a family that can help them heal and be all that God has created them to be! Thank you for sharing a little bit about "J". I will be praying for him and his family.
So hard to read of yet another disruption. :-( I understand, but it still hurts. I will be praying for all involved.
I just emailed you. Thank you for posting this. Praying for this family
This is something I do not understand. I became more aware of the fact that it happens at the recent summit but it is so grievous. I am certain the adoptive parents feel the same way so I do not want to come across as judgmental. I too am an adoptive parent and know these parents must be in agony. This post feels like an advertisement and there's something really confusing about listing all of his beautiful qualities which make him seem so delightful, all the while knowing he must be removed. I guess I don't know that a public blog is the best place for this. What does it do to his soul to be removed yet again? Is there no hope for him staying in his current family? Can anything else be done to avoid his removal? Even a temporary respite situation? I'm guessing all of these possibilities have been pursued. I will pray.
Margaret, I understand your feelings and questions. I hate to think that anybody would see this as an advertisement, but honestly, it is not easy to find a family for an HIV+ 8 year old boy. I would not normally post something like this, but I know this child and I know his mother. I love them and I have cried over this situation. I think of my blog readers as a community of people who care deeply about children, and many of us are also Christians. These are the very people who might be able to help.
I appreciate your concern and comments and thank you so much for your prayers.
Thank you, Margaret, for putting my confusion into words,
Praying for this family and for this little boy – like many others, this is the 3rd disruption I have heard of this week. It is heartbreaking. :( I too, am a bit confused by the seemingly perfect picture painted in the "What The Mother Has To Say" section. Perhaps people who are inquiring are getting more of the full story and depth of issues (which I hope is the case in order to prevent yet another disruption for this young man). That being said – I think that this is perfect place to help find him a new family :) I just hope it is done with full disclosure to protect the hearts of all involved.
Praying for restoration! :) He is a Father to the Fatherless!
This is the first time I have heard of an Ethiopian adoption falling through, and reading the post above that heard of three this week.. is very scary….. I had no idea that there were that many that fell through, and I talk to a lot of people who use my agency. Three in one week. wow…. very scary This makes me worry a little.
We are praying for this little guy and his family. We have little ones so this is not feasible but we will share this with others.
My heart is breaking – I sure wish we were able to care for this precious boy. We have 3 who are all younger than him. Will be praying he finds his forever famil soon, and that healing can begin yet again for him.
Just a short note to Margaret (a commenter above) …
Yes … most likely the adoptive parents are unimaginably grieved by the realization that they cannot continue to parent this boy. I have been that parent. I have walked that walk. I had to find a new family, for my son … in order to protect my 5 younger children. There was no other way.
Yes … you may call this an "advertisement". But, it is actually one of the better ways to find a new family … through networking with other adoptive families. It is usually very difficult to find a new home on your block, down the street, or in your church. Sometimes, the Lord may work that way. Other times, you use any avenue you can to find the right fit.
"What does it do to his soul to be removed yet again?" I don't know this boy. I don't know his story. However, I do know that many children who's adoptions are disrupted (and it is MUCH more prevalent than anyone would guess) have Reactive Attachment Disorder. Many of these children are not bonded with their adoptive families. Our son was very excited to go to a new home … with new parents who had the means to buy him all of the things that he had expected to receive when arriving in America: iPhone, computer, stereo, etc….. He still calls and text messages often. We're kind of like "friends he used to know".
Margaret, thank you for not being judgmental. Thank you for asking questions so respectfully. That is not usually the case. You cannot imagine the judgement and condemnation that most disrupting families face. Many of these families not only grieve over the loss of their child; but many of them also lose their friends and even their church family, because of the condemnation. It is a VERY lonely road to walk.
Lisa … Thank you for making us aware of this situation. I hope it was okay for me to share some insights from a grieving Mama who has walked that most difficult journey this year.
Laurel
mama of a dozen
Laurel, I appreciate your thoughts. I learned so much from you when you went through this hard experience. God was faithful.
And, thank you, Laurel, for sharing your story. I can't even imagine.
I am praying for this child and hope his new family finds him quickly. I do think the internet is perhaps the best way at the moment for this child to find a family quickly and hopefully one that has the skills to help him with his needs.
I am again taken aback that this is a child that was placed in a home with younger children. Our agency does not usually do this (they do make some exceptions.) I know other agencies that will not allow out of birth order adoptions. I know families that it has worked. I know a wonderful family that had a 5 and 6 year old in the house and adopted a pre-teen. I know families that 'sandwiched' a child between the youngest who was kindergarten and older grade school children and this was happy for everyone (although no adoption is easy – so I don't imply that these were 'easy' both families were families who had already adopted children and were skilled in adoption/attachment issues.) I truly wonder at the numbers. I think we should be keeping track and studying these children who lose all over again. What are the disruption numbers? Does anyone know? Does anyone keep track?
The age of the child and the children themselves are in no way at fault, for the person who commented they were worried. However, from what I have heard from parents that have adopted older children (even teenagers) the adopted child's needs can be as intense as a new borns. So if you have very young children in the household the adopted child who needs so much can become extremely resentful of those younger children's needs.
I think the education for adopting parents needs to be so much more intense for all adoptions, infants and older children. We went through older child adoption courses and frankly they were a joke. 20 hours or so but so skimming the surface that we didn't count it and kept on researching on our own.
How many more families have to be broken up with all the heartache involved before some changes are made to the system.
Lisa,
Please feel free to send me an email. We almost just adopted from an Ethiopian disruption and worked with a wonderful agency who held my hand through the entire process.
I say almost because at the very end of the process, Mom didn't sign guardianship papers which our state requires for ICPC.
I am so grateful for the openness and honesty of the comments from people. We are waiting to for our court date for two children that are younger than our bio children. I have thoughts and fears that I've been scared to share for fear of what others may think. Or that they may think we are not fit to adopt. It is so comforting to find that these fears are normal. I'm comforted in knowing that I'm not alone.
I appreciate the boldness of those who have faced trials and are sharing them. We are not put on this earth and through these trials to benefit us alone. We are also here for each other.
We also forget that God's plan is not our own, we may never understand it. There may be families that are only to be a vessel or tool to get these children into the U.S. Maybe they weren't even meant to be these children's permanent family, but there are here where they will have nutrition, education, and medical attention.
Thank you for all the families that have been willing to say yes to God's calling to bring these children here even if it wasn't to be permanent and seems to end with heartache and grief. The Lord has a purpose for this in YOUR life AND the children's lives. He will be glorified and you will be blessed.
That is exactly how we feel, Amber. (see our story in my above comment) We brought home a sibling group. For us, it was the older of 3 siblings that should not have been adopted out in the first place with his 2 younger siblings. We believe that we were the path to get him to his new family. We don't for one minute regret adopting him. We knew that God called us to bring all 3 siblings home. But, we also are completely at peace with our decision to find a new family for him, for the safety of his younger sisters.
Also … for those that comment about adopting "out of birth order". In our case, it didn't really matter whether or not we already had younger children at home … we adopted a sibling group. We brought home an older brother with 2 younger sisters. We had to disrupt the adoption in order to break a cycle of abuse that had started many years before, in the children's village in Africa.
Laurel
Pray with me.
Heavenly Father, we lift up J to you. You know his heart, his brokenness, and his needs. Father, please set J in a family where he can be safe and learn to trust himself and others. Lord, place him in a home where he can find healing and hope. Place him in a church family that cheers him on and lifts him up.
Father, I pray for the family that is losing him. Lord, lift them up and cradle them in Your arms. Show them Your goodness and mercy. Walk with them through the dark hours. Heal their broken hearts and encourage them to hope in You. Please bring people into their lives that will see their grief and pain and minister to them.
Father, I pray for J's new family. Give them encouragement and energy and support and hope. Give them tools and methods that work for J's heart. Show them the plans You have for J and remind them of Your goodness often.
May everyone involved see Your glory and praise Your Holy Name. In Jesus name, amen.
Julie, thank you for your beautiful words and hopeful prayer.
Would you let us know when he finds one? I am thinking of J.
Kathrin, yes, I will let you know. We are praying a lot right now.
please keep us posted when he finds a home…this has been on my heart all week after reading it here….I've adopted from Ethiopia, my sister adopted an older child and my younger sister is in the process…we've all kept birth order and had SUCH easy times…It makes me so sad for everyone involved here…Please know i'm praying and would love to hear when he has a new home…thank you for advocating for him, kristi
Hi- mom of 7 here. 2 homegrown, 2 ethiopians, 3 chinese- all adopted later in life. 3-7 yrs old. Now 8,9,10,13,16. Have a lot of experience with serious behavior issues. Also am a psychiatrist so the training helps somewhat. Can I help? Jeanne
Jeanne, I've tried to reach you at the email address associated with your comment. If you happen to see this, please email me at lisa@onethankfulmom.com
I’m going to try and keep my judgments out of this..but I have to be honest here..as an adoptee, this post hurt my heart. I hope that this poor child can find peace in his life and get over the traumas he’s experiencing in his life…being adopted, etc. etc…and now the disruption of the family that had been entrusted to care for him.
It’s painful to read..and I’m sorry but, isn’t that what you sign on for when you adopt? I’m not trying to be snarky with that last question, I’m really curious about what people think.
I have to agree with christina, this poor child.
It pained me to read that this child needs a "Christian" family. This child needs a loving family.
I hope I have misinterpreted here, but, it appears to me to be a judgement on non-Christians.
I believe Jesus, Himself, would want this child safe and loved more than he would want him in a Christian home.