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Trauma

The comments to my recent posts on kids and food issues, Making a Food Plan, and That Darn Beef Jerky, have been very interesting and I am enjoying learning from all of you.  One comment was so helpful that I decided to feature it so none of you miss it.  It is from “C” who writes the blog, By the Way…

When I was working in Ethiopia and told people I was a vegetarian, they either laughed out loud or shrank away in suspicion. At restaurants, waiters wanted to know why I would ask for “peasant food” if I could afford to go out to eat. I was once told that as a “rich American,” I should be eating beef – morning, noon, and night!

In Ethiopia most people live on lentils, chickpea, potato, onion, carrot, beet, and maybe greens or cabbage. Meat is relatively very expensive, and most people eat meat *only when they can afford it.* So, how much meat a family eats is a sign of how well they are doing.

Today my article, Walking Humbly, is being featured at Empowered to Connect.  I am very honored and excited about it!  Empowered to Connect is a wonderful resource for foster and adoptive families created by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Michael and Amy Monroe.

If you have read my blog for long, you know that Dr. Karyn Purvis is one of my heroes. When we were in our deepest place of despair in finding healing for our children, somebody sent me a link to some videos of her teaching and I cried all the way through them.

As we developed Dimples’ Food Plan, she became increasingly bold about requesting the foods she most likes.  With a family of 13, there are many foods we all enjoy that just don’t fit our budget.  While we don’t skimp, I generally buy foods that give maximum nutrition, but may not always be exciting or fancy.

As Dimples listed off the foods she wanted in her plan, she asked for beef jerky, and then added, “My Mom won’t buy it for me because it costs too much.”

It seems that Dimples’ food trauma history – or lack of food – is more substantial than we initially realized. Issues about food: what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, seem to take a disproportionate amount of time and energy, and are a significant drain on the loving relationship I want with her.

With help from Deborah, Dimples made a meal plan for the first month of school. It looks like this:

Deep breathing is a great calming technique for kids and parents.  Last week I shared the “Smell the flower, blow the candle” technique.  This week I want to add another way of teaching this concept to kids from Deborah Gray’s book, Nurturing Adoptions.

Teach children to breathe in through their noses and out through their mouths slowly, concentrating on having the diaphragm move out as they take a breath and in as they release breaths.  Have them visualize all the things that bother them.  Then, tell them to blow those thoughts and feelings out into a big balloon.  They will naturally take a deep breath right after that.  Then  tell them to let the balloon float away and have them blow up another one. (Nurturing Adoptions p. 195)

The idea of letting worries or troubling thoughts float up and away appeals to me.  I’m going to try it with Honeybee and Dimples.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Be sure to stop by the least complicated to read a great tip from Jennifer.

~Lisa

Last year sometime I wrote about teaching little ones to breathe deeply when they are stressed. Deborah taught Dimples to take slow, deep breaths to calm herself. We began with a slow breath taking five seconds with the goal of ten seconds per breath. We still do this and it is honestly helpful, especially if I do it with her.

One of my readers commented that a good way to teach kids to breathe deeply and slowly is to use the imagery of smelling a flower (slow breath in) and blowing a candle (long breath out).

Pruning by Chainsaw

We had some crazy, overgrown rose bushes on the north side of our house.   Eleven years ago when we moved here, the roses were lovely.  Planted by a true gardener, they had colorful blooms and were pleasantly pruned.  Then we arrived.  I am sad to confess that I am not much of a gardener.  I had six children, homeschooled, and although I liked flowers, I didn’t have enough interest or time to learn about something as fussy as roses.

The plants grew larger and wilder.  On occasion we pruned them or treated them for aphids, but for the most part, they grew and we were happy with whatever colorful flowers managed to appear.  Then Mimi decided to have her wedding reception in the yard and it was time to whip the roses into shape.

My friend Amy came over and looked at the huge, overgrown plants.  She said it was time to prune them down — way down — to knee height.  The question was how to go about it.  The roses were covered with thorns and had long crazy branches.

She looked at me and said, “Well, Russ could take a chainsaw to them.”  A chainsaw?  Did I hear her correctly?  I thought roses were delicate and needed to be handled with care. But these had grown so out of control that the severity of a chainsaw was needed to bring them back to health.

Do you remember last March when I wrote a post about weighted blankets being used for children with Sensory Processing Disorder? A wonderful thing happened as a result. Two readers emailed me and offered to make blankets for my children — can you believe it?

Our vacation is coming to an end and it has been wonderful.  Vacation with kids from the “hard places” is unique and Russ and I have had to adjust our expectations.  As structure decreases, anxiety increases, and behavior gets more volatile.  We are trying to keep everyone’s hearts filled up with love and wear the kids out on the beach…but we’ve had some tough moments.  Fortunately the great moments far outweigh the challenging ones!

Tomorrow Russ and the guys head home while I head to my sister’s as we wait for appointments on Thursday and Friday.

I just finished reading The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook–What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing.

I wish I had read it sooner.  As I seek to understand my children, and other children we know, I want to grasp all that I can.  It is enlightening to get a glimpse of the ways the brain is literally shaped and affected by trauma.

This is an engrossing book that grabs you and is hard to  put down. While the children’s stories are very sad, most of them are hopeful.  I personally found certain chapters hard to read as I thought about my own little ones.

Perry writes:

Troubled children are in some kind of pain — and pain makes people irritable, anxious and aggressive. Only patient, loving, consistent care works; there are no short term miracle cures. (p. 244)

and

I also cannot emphasize enough how important routine and repetition are to recovery…The longer the period of trauma, or the more extreme the trauma, the greater the number of repetitions required to regain balance. (p. 245)

Bruce Perry is a staunch evolutionist, which makes for some interesting thoughts, yet he is offering a great work to the world.

Have you read it? What did you think?

~Lisa

I woke early this morning and quietly crept out of bed, trying not to wake Russ.  The morning was cool, and the light was gentle.  In two hours it will be hot and the sun will shine harshly — I’m not into suffering, so I prefer to run early.  Without Russ, I can run as slowly as I like, which goes along with not liking to suffer.

As I was running, my mind drifted to a post I wrote recently about Restorative Sabbatical.  I wrote,

I’m going to be honest here; we have had three long hard years.  Life is getting better, there is no doubt…

I thought of my children and my heart was heavy.  These three years have not only been hard for us, they have been equally, or possibly even harder, for them.  While our lives have been turned upside down, it cannot compare to the changes they have faced.