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My Learning Curve: Attachment and Trauma

My Learning Curve: Meat + More Meat = Security

By OneThankfulMom Wednesday September 1, 2010

The comments to my recent posts on kids and food issues, Making a Food Plan, and That Darn Beef Jerky, have been very interesting and I am enjoying learning from all of you.  One comment was so helpful that I decided to feature it so none of you miss it.  It is from “C” who writes the blog, By the Way…

When I was working in Ethiopia and told people I was a vegetarian, they either laughed out loud or shrank away in suspicion. At restaurants, waiters wanted to know why I would ask for “peasant food” if I could afford to go out to eat. I was once told that as a “rich American,” I should be eating beef – morning, noon, and night!

In Ethiopia most people live on lentils, chickpea, potato, onion, carrot, beet, and maybe greens or cabbage. Meat is relatively very expensive, and most people eat meat *only when they can afford it.* So, how much meat a family eats is a sign of how well they are doing.

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My Learning Curve: That Darn Beef Jerky

By OneThankfulMom Friday August 27, 2010

As we developed Dimples’ Food Plan, she became increasingly bold about requesting the foods she most likes.  With a family of 13, there are many foods we all enjoy that just don’t fit our budget.  While we don’t skimp, I generally buy foods that give maximum nutrition, but may not always be exciting or fancy.

As Dimples listed off the foods she wanted in her plan, she asked for beef jerky, and then added, “My Mom won’t buy it for me because it costs too much.”

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My Learning Curve: Making a Food Plan

By OneThankfulMom Wednesday August 25, 2010

It seems that Dimples’ food trauma history – or lack of food – is more substantial than we initially realized. Issues about food: what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, seem to take a disproportionate amount of time and energy, and are a significant drain on the loving relationship I want with her.

With help from Deborah, Dimples made a meal plan for the first month of school. It looks like this:

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My Learning Curve: Blowing Up the Balloon

By OneThankfulMom Monday August 16, 2010

Deep breathing is a great calming technique for kids and parents.  Last week I shared the “Smell the flower, blow the candle” technique.  This week I want to add another way of teaching this concept to kids from Deborah Gray’s book, Nurturing Adoptions.

Teach children to breathe in through their noses and out through their mouths slowly, concentrating on having the diaphragm move out as they take a breath and in as they release breaths.  Have them visualize all the things that bother them.  Then, tell them to blow those thoughts and feelings out into a big balloon.  They will naturally take a deep breath right after that.  Then  tell them to let the balloon float away and have them blow up another one. (Nurturing Adoptions p. 195)

The idea of letting worries or troubling thoughts float up and away appeals to me.  I’m going to try it with Honeybee and Dimples.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Be sure to stop by the least complicated to read a great tip from Jennifer.

~Lisa

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My Learning Curve: Smell the Flower, Blow the Candle

By OneThankfulMom Thursday August 12, 2010

Last year sometime I wrote about teaching little ones to breathe deeply when they are stressed. Deborah taught Dimples to take slow, deep breaths to calm herself. We began with a slow breath taking five seconds with the goal of ten seconds per breath. We still do this and it is honestly helpful, especially if I do it with her.

One of my readers commented that a good way to teach kids to breathe deeply and slowly is to use the imagery of smelling a flower (slow breath in) and blowing a candle (long breath out).

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My Learning Curve: “I’m Not Worried — I’m Just Very Alert”

By OneThankfulMom Tuesday August 3, 2010

We have an all-time favorite thrift store in Langley, WA. Good Cheer always manages to add some joy to our Whidbey Island vacation. We shop for books and a few small toys or games to occupy the kids. Once in awhile I find a treasure I can’t pass up, like a lovely serving dish, or this year, a  pair of Robeez for Little Man — blue with green geckos.

As I perused the used books, I picked up one by Anne Lamott. Skimming along, my eyes found this quote,

I’m not worried — I’m just very alert

That pretty much sums up my Dimples these days.  It is as if a river of anxiety is running through my child and she just can’t keep it down. Sometimes it flows up in the form of hugs that are a little too tight and kisses that make me cringe, other times in all out turmoil.

Deborah told me to buy Dimples a new notebook and when she begins to flounder, have her write down her plan or draw a picture of how she wants things to go. I told Deborah about an incident where I told Dimples to stay on her bed until she could tell me her plan. Deborah reminded me that when children are stressed, their ability to verbally process begins to tank (my paraphrase).  Dimples probably couldn’t tell me her plan…but maybe she could have drawn it for me.

Hypervigilance is fatiguing for the child and for the mom.  Today it was in the form of constant questions and worries.  I was exhausted by 10:00 AM.  Not only did Dimples need a plan, so did I.

It reminds me of my friend Kimberly, who used to say this with her kids:

You’ve got to chill — out

You’ve got to settle — down

You’ve got to re — lax

We used to laugh just hearing her kids shout out the last word of each line.

Dimples had her notebook out three times this morning. On one page she drew a picture of herself smiling with the words, “I want my day to go good,” written underneath.

Me too, baby, me too.

~Lisa

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Their Pain, Not Mine

By OneThankfulMom Wednesday July 14, 2010

I woke early this morning and quietly crept out of bed, trying not to wake Russ.  The morning was cool, and the light was gentle.  In two hours it will be hot and the sun will shine harshly — I’m not into suffering, so I prefer to run early.  Without Russ, I can run as slowly as I like, which goes along with not liking to suffer.

As I was running, my mind drifted to a post I wrote recently about Restorative Sabbatical.  I wrote,

I’m going to be honest here; we have had three long hard years.  Life is getting better, there is no doubt…

I thought of my children and my heart was heavy.  These three years have not only been hard for us, they have been equally, or possibly even harder, for them.  While our lives have been turned upside down, it cannot compare to the changes they have faced.

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My Learning Curve: “The Best Thing”

By OneThankfulMom Friday July 9, 2010

One of my sweet daughters doesn’t always think I’m much of a mom.  She thinks it would be better not to have a mom at all, or perhaps to go to heaven and be with her “real mom.”  She thinks I’m not attentive enough and that I don’t respond quickly to her needs. I don’t take her shopping enough or cook her favorite foods.

The list is longer on some days than others.

Then there are the days when I’m the “best Mom in the world” and she loves me “the very most.”

Now when those critical moments come, Deborah suggested that I say,

“I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.”

I smile just thinking about it.

But let’ s make it one significant step better.  How about this,

“Jesus is the best thing that ever happened to you, and He chose me to be the very best mom for you.”

I think I can run with that one.

We’re not perfect moms, but we love our children and we’re doing our best to heal their broken hearts.  Let’s all give it a try.  Let’s speak the truth out loud to our children — because Jesus is the best thing that ever happened to our kids, and He chose us to pick up where their first parents left off.  They need us more than they may know.

~Lisa

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My Learning Curve: Restorative Sabbatical Part 4

By OneThankfulMom Friday July 2, 2010

If your life is strained and parenting your children from the “hard places” is wearing you down, you may begin to think that hope is lost.  Is there anything you can do to turn your life around?  I hope that this series of posts is encouraging you to try something new.  It is very difficult to carve out time, but it may be necessary for you or your spouse to go to whatever lengths you must to find your way again.

Russ’ two Sabbatical Days had a huge impact – honestly, two 24 hour breaks transformed him.  In the quiet, Russ was able to hear God and to let his mind sort through the challenges of the last three years.

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My Learning Curve: Restorative Sabbatical Part 3

By OneThankfulMom Thursday July 1, 2010

If you are wondering why it is taking me so long to tell this story, it is because this Restorative Sabbatical has had such a profound impact on Russ, on our marriage, and ultimately on our family.  The kids may not realize it yet…but their Dad is being renewed.  The Daddy they’ve known and loved forever, the one who teases, and hugs, and reads stories, is no longer a grumpy shadow of himself.  God is restoring him to us, and I am a very happy wife.

One night, in the midst of this healing journey, Russ was holding me tight and I started crying big, gulping sobs out of pure relief.  He asked me what was wrong, and like a four year old, all I could answer was, “I was so scared.”  I was looking toward our future with fear in my heart.  What would I do if the man who held us all together was never going to be happy again?

So, stick with me a little longer and maybe there will be something here that will be helpful to you.

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