I’ve been asking myself why the decision to transfer Dimples to a new school has been so hard for me. I had such a strong emotional response and I know it is wrapped up in all kinds of things, but as I cried and talked it through with Russ, it became clear to me that this represents a letting go of the appearance that we are “almost okay.”
It’s as if I’ve been holding the lid tightly down on a pot filled with a boiling mess. It kept boiling over and the mess was oozing down the sides of the pot and all over the kitchen. So I cleaned it up over and over again, trying to keep it all under control. Finally, I was too tired to keep it pressed down, contained, and almost acceptable.
Admitting that Dimples couldn’t make it in her school was akin to taking my hands off the lid and letting it all blow. It’s letting our local community see that we are not a normal family, we cannot make it without help from various sources like doctors, agencies, and now, the public school. It means seeking an IEP in order to give Dimples more support and protect our family from the effects of the strain Dimples felt under the pressure of school.
This is another step of letting go, of admitting that we are not who we used to be, and of being uncomfortably needy. Russ and I have a meeting with Dimples’ principal tomorrow and an appointment with her new therapist (trained in EMDR) on Monday. We have respite in place for this Saturday and hope to get a schedule set up that will help Dimples through the weekends.
I’m pressed down by my children’s needs, and feel inadequate to meet them all with any measure of grace, but in it all, I know within the depth of my soul that we are not alone. Not one part of this journey is a surprise to God. He loves our family and we are clinging tightly to Him.