At our last appointment, Deborah encouraged us to set some short term challenges with the girls to overcome specific behaviors. Children growing up in orphanages don’t have parents to instruct them, “no whining,” “eat with good manners,” “We don’t stomp our feet when we’re angry,” “no hitting your sister,” etc. During the toddler years we say these phrases time and time again. In an orphanage the nannies have their hands full feeding the kids, keeping them clothed, and dealing with medical problems.
The result is children who are elementary age, and even pre-teens, who still have these immature behaviors. I found myself constantly correcting, but even worse, letting a lot of it slip by. The result was that the problems were wearing me down. It was also embarrassing when these immature acts surfaced in public.
Deborah had us choose a behavior for each girl and then present them with a challenge. They helped determine the reward that would come with their success. Right now they each have a two week challenge and they are doing great. We put a star on the calendar each day they succeed. When the whining and arguing creep in, I remind them that they’ve had such a good day that I don’t want them to lose their star.
Now, trust me, I’ve never been a “star chart” sort of mom, but once again, we must remember that our children who came to us later in life need different parenting helps. My girls are very motivated to earn their rewards and have a sense of accomplishment for each day they succeed.
In my mommy-opinion challenges should:
1. Be short – one to four weeks long
2. Be for a behavior the child has the ability to change
Bedwetting does not fit in this category!
3. Be for a behavior the child is motivated to change because they know it isn’t appropriate for their age
4. Have a reward the child wants, and is appropriate for the amount of effort required to succeed
5. Be a positive and encouraging challenge
When those pesky behaviors start to surface, I remind the girls of how well they are doing and give them a chance to correct their behavior. If they can’t do it, they lose their star for the day. We do not start the challenge over from the beginning, we simply add another day. Remember, we want them to win! We are on their team — and besides, we want to see these pesky behaviors disappear.
Need to nip an annoying behavior? You might want to give this a try.
Let me know if you do!
Lisa
Sounds great! The stars and reward are meet short term and long term needs!
This reminds me . . .
What about the idea of "rewind and try again" or "do-overs".
Most of the time this succeeds with our young children (prek age), but there are some behaviors/attitudes that I know they shouldn't need a redo on. How do you (personally) determine when a redo is a good idea and when they need discipline/stronger redirection?
When our kids were younger, we tried to encourage good table manners by offering candy after dinner as a reward. They all started with three pieces of candy (small individually wrapped candies). If we caught them talking with their mouths full, sitting oddly, elbows on the table, etc., we would deduct one piece. In some ways, yes, it was negative, but it worked pretty well with some of them. And almost everyone got candy at least some of the time.
Not perfect, but hey, most of them at least KNOW what good manners look like now, even if they choose not to act that way themselves.
Kathleen
I like that… I was just telling Luke Riley's whining is getting the better of me. Maybe we should give this one a shot :)
Thanks Lisa. I'm struck by the truth of your opening statement about orphanage kids not having parents to teach them how to behave appropriately. Our little boy is almost 8 and has been home just 3 months now. Every time we go out in public, I review 3 simple rules with him. He says it with me: One – stay with Mama. Two – Obey Mama. Three – No whining.