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Quiet – life feels quiet.  There is a sense of peace in that quiet, space to breathe a little bit and even to think.

This is the first weekend I can remember when I haven’t anxiously tried to create a schedule that would minimize the risk of a crisis.  It was essential that I never leave Dimples home if Russ and I weren’t here.  If I had to leave her home (which was rare), I couldn’t leave her younger siblings at the same time without the potential for a problem.  Scheduling, rescheduling, writing lists and plans, asking for help, making calls, sending texts and emails, were all part of my Fridays.

There are signs that life is changing in our home:

Eby and Little Man played Legos for nearly an hour with no disturbance.

We had a great discussion during Bible reading at the dinner table.

Bee asked if she could have a friend home for a sleep over tonight. (The last time she had a friend here, she was completely embarrassed by the raging going on and hasn’t tried again.)

Ladybug is also having a friend over tonight – I can’t remember the last time she wanted to have somebody here.

I have lots of sadness, and tears come easily. Honestly, the children have not expressed sadness at all; they seem lighter and calmer.

I got an email update this morning from Dimples’ case manager saying that she is continuing to settle in, is eating at least some of every meal, and is eager to begin actual schoolwork.  I am so thankful for updates and seem to need one daily right now.  It doesn’t feel right, at all, to trust others to take care of her – I’m trying to adjust to it, but it is definitely going to take time.

Today I am back to homeschooling my little guys, working with Sunshine, writing, doing laundry, cooking, and the normal things of life.  I’m so happy that Bee and Ladybug want to have friends here.  Maybe we’ll have a crowd of college students gathering as well.

I am continually thankful for your prayers and wonderful support.  Again, I have so much to write about and want to do it somewhat sequentially, hopefully this weekend.  My friend, Katie, posted the photo of our adoption announcement on FB yesterday.  In the midst of unpacking after a move, she found it in the bottom of a box – and put it on their family’s prayer bulletin board.  I find myself wanting to look at photos of Dimples from when she first came home – when our hope was so great and our confidence high.

I wish we could sit at my table, sipping coffee, maybe crying a little, laughing and holding hands as we talk about our families.  I love the fellowship we share.  Thank you.

Lisa

 



  1. Traci (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    My heart is so heavy for you. I continue to pray for healing for all of you.

  2. Lisa H. (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    It's interesting that you comment about needing to look at photos of Dimples from when she first came…I TOTALLY get that. It's "little P." that I have sweet memories with….It's like THAT'S who I'm grieving for, and like that child died when he bacame "big P." that we could not control and that became a threat to our other children…. And, I agree, those early times bring back the feelings of what we wanted for that child and for our family, and I think those dreams dying are a loss that also must be grieved….

    STill praying and still waiting to read the installment of the story titled, "In Which Dimples is Healed and God's Sovereign Goodness is Seen as It Truly IS"…….

    Love to you!

  3. chrissie creason (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Good Morning! I don't comment often, but I do read your blog and keep your family in my prayers. I hope y'all have a good weekend, and I will continue to pray!

  4. Kat (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Praying….I can't imagine…and I can….Hugs and prayers….so thankful for God's sustaining love.

  5. Nancy (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Sweet peace in the midst of a mental circus. I think that makes it easier to hear Him, especially at a time it's so important to listen.
    Prayers still offered up for you and your family and your sweet girl.
    nancy

  6. Joy (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    I can't even imagine the loss you feel. It is good that you are focusing on and being thankful for the peacefulness in your home right now. Thank you for all your help and encouragement in my life personally when I first adopted my boys from Kenya. We have all learned to be more sensitive in this family through what we have been through and that is good. Keeping you in prayer.

  7. Almond Tea (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Lisa, I don't want to be so bold to say, "I understand what you are feeling," so I won't. But I will say that my family also took a deep sigh of relief after we rehomed our daughter. My son expressed no sadness when our daughter left. He was relieved. My husband too, recovered much, much sooner than I expected.

    I struggled daily and to this day, months later, still get updates and want to know how she is progressing. You mentioned grief on FB yesterday. Mine manifested itself in home projects- every square inch of my 3600 sq ft home was decluttered, organized, painted. The busyness eased my pain.

    I guess I want to tell you, if we were at my kitchen table, drinking coffee, swapping stories, that you are not alone. Even in this, even when you think everyone else has moved on, but you are stuck alone, that you are not.

    I pray for you and your family daily.

  8. Katie Szotkiewicz Patel (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Love you! Courage my friend!! the Battle is the Lord's, and he ALWAYS wins!!

    katie

  9. Linda (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    I'm praying for you. Words can't convey what my heart is feeling for you, Dimples, and for your whole family. Hugs!

  10. Linda (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Healing for everyone ….you have made the right decision. Prayers

  11. Coffee mom (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    This time is a gift of healing for all of you. It's ok to embrace it and rest there. I'm glad you all can. I wishi could make it all easier…but the space to stand down and breathe is huge. Prayers continue for you all

  12. Jeannette (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    I haven't commented about this as yet, but want you to know that my heart feels heavy for you and that I am praying for healing for you, Dimples and all the children. Thank you for sharing this incredibly sensitive story with us, the honesty is so encouraging.

  13. Louise Hudson (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    I've walked a similar road and I know the strange peace and pain you can feel in the same moment. Your story will bring healing to so many. Thank you for sharing. I continue to pray for everyone involved. Blessings to you and your family!

  14. April (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Praying for your family as you begin this time of transition. I believe that our children, all of us who have suffered, can only find wholeness and healing at the foot of the cross. May you be immeasurably blessed as you move forward. May your family, and sweet Dimples, find joy even in this. Thank you for sharing this burden and your faith.

  15. mamitaj (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Grief and relief….all at the same time. Mixed up feelings. I know this is so difficult. Thankful the other kids are getting a break from the hard stuff and diving right in to "regular" life. Praying for you and praying for Dimples. If we could sit at the table, I would hug you and let you talk and cry or sit content in the silence of your pain, bearing your heart's burdens with you.

  16. FosterCareQandA (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    This situation sounds like the very definition of bittersweet. Hang in there. Mothering means making the really hard decisions and then living with the consequences. Sounds like you're doing great!

  17. nancileamarie (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Our family is continuing to pray for you.

  18. SleepyKnitter (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    It was like that at our house when we rehomed our daughter. We adults grieved so many things on so many levels, but our children were almost instantly relieved and relaxed and never expressed sadness. Months later they mentioned in a passing conversation that they “missed” their former oldest sibling, but there has never been any other evidence that they did. For me, I was still waking up with painful fingers from clenching my hands all night, five or six months after rehoming. It’s just been in the last two months that I have genuinely started to relax and be my “old self” and that our marriage is returning to its former “old self.” Praying for you with much empathy.

  19. DebiB (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    I so wish we were sitting and having coffee. I would love to just give you a big hug and tell you that you are an AMAZING Mom!!! We have our struggles, but I cannot imagine how hard this would be to send your child away. Do you have a 'timeline' for how long she'll be gone at this point? I also wanted to say that it made me smile to hear how the others are adjusting and that they want to have friends over. Although sad, it's wonderful to hear how safe they now feel. Praying your weekend is a sweet time of the Lord ministering to your own heart. :)

  20. Emily (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Calling you right now. I love you so much. PS I'm trying to convince Isaiah to come down here for a night.

  21. Donna (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    One day and one step my friend. Praying for healing for all hearts involved:)

  22. Tricia Sayre (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Even in your suffering you are such an encouragement to all of us walking this adoption journey! Thanking God for you today :)

  23. susan (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    I'm thinking of you too and feeling assured that despite the pain you are on the right path for both Dimples and your family. xo to all.

  24. Jennifer Anderson (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    love you sweet friend. I am crying as I read this. So thankful that your other children are able to feel safe in their home again yet so sad that it had to come to this for Dimples. We will all join you in this journey together. I look forward with hope to the day where we all celebrate the healing and progress she has made. As always call anytime you need to laugh, cry or vent.

  25. Kelli Pratte (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    Lisa,
    You all have been on my heart so much lately. I hadn't had the chance to check your blog in a few days, as my dad was in the hospital, so I just got caught up on your family. I am sorry for all you are going through – the grief is so painful-especially as the mom. At some point I'd like to email you a little more of our story – so many similarities. I remember when our daughter was not in our home any more feeling so completely broken & sad – like I had failed. I knew the rest of my family was grieving, yet they didn't appear that way. For them, it was the first time our home had felt like "home" & safe for so long. I remember the contrast between the sadness I felt & the healing I could see before my very eyes. Now, 2 1/2 years later, I have had the time to gain a perspective that is much broader. I can see how He has use our adoption, all of our love & tears & failure, and even our dissolution to put EACH one of us in a better place. Our daughter who was re-homed (in Montana :) is thriving & I can see how He provided exactly the right family for her. Our other kiddos have not come away unchanged. They are different people & I can see evidence – some good & some bad of that whole time on their lives. I can see how God used that time to take me into a deeper place with Him & how he has allowed me to heal. I know from where you sit today, the pain is fresh & there is still room for hope & healing. But I do thank God for giving you this time of quiet & "home". I know what it feels like to be able to "breathe" again. Praying that God will refresh you all & give you grace. Hopefully I will have time to share more via email soon. (or feel free to email if you ever want to call me – I know that was helpful to me as we walked that road).
    Praying you all will enjoy this day –
    Much love,
    Kelli

  26. darci (Reply) on Friday 11, 2013

    tears for you here..praying constantly.