The comments to my recent posts on kids and food issues, Making a Food Plan, and That Darn Beef Jerky, have been very interesting and I am enjoying learning from all of you. One comment was so helpful that I decided to feature it so none of you miss it. It is from “C” who writes the blog, By the Way…
When I was working in Ethiopia and told people I was a vegetarian, they either laughed out loud or shrank away in suspicion. At restaurants, waiters wanted to know why I would ask for “peasant food” if I could afford to go out to eat. I was once told that as a “rich American,” I should be eating beef – morning, noon, and night!
In Ethiopia most people live on lentils, chickpea, potato, onion, carrot, beet, and maybe greens or cabbage. Meat is relatively very expensive, and most people eat meat *only when they can afford it.* So, how much meat a family eats is a sign of how well they are doing. The street and orphanage children I worked with viewed meat as a kind of barometer for security: “We are eating meat, so we must be doing ok,” or “We have no meat, we must be sliding back into hunger.”
At one orphanage where all the children were waiting for adoptive families, one of the first things ALL the kids asked about their new homes is whether there would be meat. One child described his fantasy of a new American home as a place where there were two refrigerators – one always full of just meat. When he said it, all the kids cheered. It is the ultimate symbol of affluence and stability.
At a government orphanage, when asked what it was like to live there, a little boy replied ominously, “They never give us meat.” An American visitor laughed that if that was his worst worry, he must be doing okay. But that boy wasn’t complaining, he was terrified. In his mind, if there was no meat, they must just barely be making ends meet. He felt constantly on the brink of deprivation. Today it is shiro, tomorrow it may be nothing.
In America, if our spouse stops making the house payment, we get worried. We think, “Oh no! What’s happening? Is our money gone? What if we lose everything?” For a child like yours, with the culture and food insecurity she has experienced, a meal without meat gives that same feeling.
When you give her chicken for breakfast and beef jerky in the car, what you are saying to her is, “It’s okay. We can take care of you. There is no danger of hunger, no danger of homelessness, no danger that we won’t be able to afford to keep you. You are safe.”
C, thank you for being an unexpected Guest Author. Your experience of living in Ethiopia and working with orphans provides a window into the lives of my children and I am confident your words will be helpful to many of my readers.
I plan to resume Tuesday Topics next week; thank you to everyone who emailed their questions.
~Lisa
My husband has an adopted brother who is now 63 years old. When he was 6 he and his brother were adopted in America from Italy.
We were out to dinner the other night and he said something about food and that you never forget the feeling of hunger. That comment really struck me as profound considering his age and how long he has been well fed. On the way home I asked him how old he was when he was going through a time of hunger. He said he was about 4 years old. While he was saying this he had tears coming down his cheeks.
It made my heart break for the children (my adopted grandchildren) who have food issues. Knowing this could be a life long sorrow for them.
Wow. How could any of us have known. Good thing we can learn from eachother.
Thank you "C" and thank you Lisa, as always.
Oh my gosh! What insight!! Thank you C for the post-incredibly enlightening!
Oh, that is such an awesome comment–thank you, C, for sharing it. I figured Dimples was craving protein but did not realize the importance of the meat to her psychological health. Lisa, you are being awesome to support your daughter in this way.
Meat is a big deal. Even on fasting days (also a big deal in Ethiopian Orthodox {and Catholic} faith) giving up meat is a big deal and thus on the other days….meat really helps to be on the table, every night. And I find if I don't have some, Marta worries (mom sick??). I think C has it pegged.
What a wonderful example of how much cultural knowledge benefits us as adoptive parents. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Our son still craves meat to this day and he has been home for almost 3 years. Meat and fruit. He could survive like a king on those–and indeed he does!!! Thanks for this post.
Also, it would be nice to reconnect to the post you had about how hunger pangs immediately pull our child back into their times of not having enough food–and they emotionally (negatively) react in a way that doesn't make sense to those of us who have always had plenty.
You continue to teach me so much! Also, congrats on your empowered to connect post. You rock girl! You really do!
Wow. We are waiting to bring home a child from Ethiopia. This is so helpful to read as we are mostly vegetarian. I will keep this in mind when they first come home.
Thank you so much for bringing something up that in over two years of reading I had not yet read.
hmmm, I was actually wondering how people end up handling these type of issues (I myself keep a vegetarian diet and follow the Orthodox fast days) but even more broadly applicable there are plenty of foods common in other country's/cultures that I wouldn't know how to make or where to get here…
What a great post! Such good information! Makes me wonder how many other things I'm completely missing like this that would be so simple if I just knew!
I used to think it was really cute that my adopted son, Abi, has a slight ring of blond hair around his hairline and temples. In the summer, it is particularly obvious. Only recently did I discover that when a child is malnourished, his hair can permanently lose its color in spots – hence the seemingly "blond" look. I think that explains a great deal of his food anxiety – once a person has known true hunger, I'm not sure that the fear ever completely goes away. I just wish the anxiety didn't always manifest itself so – um, obnoxiously. It makes being sympathetic, giving and patient somewhat challenging.
Sometimes I am struck by what that must have been like for my kids — to have no food and so little hope of finding some. Eby had the reddish hair and big belly of malnourished children. I think our job is to acknowledge their past suffering and how it affects them now, and then give them tools to help them cope. For Dimples, one of those tools is meat! Kate, thanks for participating and sharing so much good stuff on my blog.
I read this comment then, and I just slowly, slowly read it again.
Honestly, as someone who doesn't "do" much meat, this is a bit of a struggle for me – one that I had not anticipated – to give security by feeding my child meat. Yet, it all makes me so thankful that we CAN feed her meat! And it makes me shudder to think of children who still live in this state of want/starvation.
Great info – it is always hard for me to imagine my boys being so hungry in Ethiopia but a year home and I still see results of food anxiety everyday. Our 4 year old loves to look in our large upright freezer which gets filled with venison in the the fall – the other day he checked and as we are ending our yearly supply he came rushing in to tell me it was time to get rid of our goats! Yikes – the three goats are my 8 year olds prized pets and provide us with all our milk! He has had his eye on them since day one of coming home :)
this was very interesting to me. We've been home from Ethiopia for 6 weeks with our 4 year old son, and I can't get him to eat meat … he will rarely even taste it, and when he does, he turns up his nose. Maybe it's my cooking? :-)
Wow! This is a very interesting article. In April, we picked up our girls (ages 3 and 4) in Ethiopia–there, they ate a bit of meat. Here, they refuse it. Well, except when we have "apple" sausage. They do not like any animal protein or soya products that taste like protein. We were told they were really picky eaters in the orphanage and transition home. They have told us that chicken (or any meat) makes them sick. We keep offering them tastes of whichever meat we're having. But, they are so happy when we have beans and lentils. And, when we gave them mushy peas (a favorite way to serve peas in Ireland and the UK), they were over the moon. They have never given us the idea that meat means security for them. So, I guess our family is a bit of an exception to the rule. :) We've been happy that they eat so many fruit, veg, and legumes which most kids here won't even look at!
I appreciate these posts SO much. I don't know how this would pertain to Guatemalan children, but my guess is it would be similar. Not maybe status so much, but the simple fact that "we are doing ok if we have meat".
Since reading your original posts, I've done so much soul-searching on Emilee's issues with food, and maybe more importantly, MY issues with Emilee's issues with food. It's been an interesting journey. I've taken time to really connect with her through food, to love on her with food, and to be much less restrictive. She in turn has slowed down and has been full of love for me. I don't doubt in her mind, love will always be connected to food in some way. True starvation is a hard thing.
We are healing over here. We are finding our way and learning to remove some of the stress in Emilee's life by using food as a balm instead of using it in a way that increases her anxiety.
Thank-you again for taking this topic head-on.
dawn
PS-I'd LOVE to read the post on "hunger pangs" too. It is definitely something Emilee struggles with and has a deep, deep fear of.
My son is from Liberia, not Ethiopia, but I think that C's comment holds true for him too. Wow. I was really impacted by it. Thank you so much C for posting (and Lisa for drawing our attention to it!). It helps me see my son in a totally different light. We do try to indulge his desire for meat as much as we can, but I really did think it was just "indulging" it – that it was his preference like my other son loves sweets. I had no understanding that meat specifically could be wrapped up in his security. Lots to think about.
Some cultures out there just aren't big on meat. It's not always a symbolism of how "starving" a population is.
I'm sure that's true, Mei-Ling. I can only attest to what I experienced in Ethiopia, not to other countries or cultures. But for families with adopted children from there, I hope that experience might be a little helpful in answering some questions. This has been a really interesting discussion, thanks Lisa for letting me participate.