One basic thing we’ve learned with our children is that when children have feelings of sadness or fear, it often comes out as anger. I wrote about this in the post, When Sad Looks Like Mad. When one of my kids is acting out in anger, I try to help them identify their true feeling of sadness or fear.
Interestingly, one evening we were at the dinner table visiting with our older kids at the end of the meal. We were talking about Isaiah’s plans for college and I was expressing, what I thought was concern, until he said,
“Mom, why are you acting so mad?”
“Mad? I’m not mad.”
Noah chimed in, “It kind of looks like you’re mad, Mom.”
“You know, you do that when you’re really worried, ” said my other perceptive son.
“I do not; I’m not acting mad.”
All three older boys just looked at me and nodded their heads.
I paused for a moment and realized that I was feeling scared, I was feeling worried that Isaiah might make the wrong choice, go to the wrong school, ruin his future, have a miserable career, marry the wrong woman — it ran deep. Oh, woman of little faith!
You moms with older kids – I bet you know what I’m talking about.
“You’re right,” I said. ”I guess I am sounding mad, but I’m actually just scared. I love you and I want the very best for you. Sometimes I get anxious and forget that God is sovereign and He will help us make the best decisions.”
My boys quietly said, “It’s okay, Mom.”
That night was a good lesson for me. I struggle with not letting fear creep into my parenting. While I know that Jesus is ever with us, I’m so prone to forget and think that every decision is weighty and could lead down a path of disaster.
This post was going to be about Eby and how we had an amazing moment yesterday when he was really scared and sad about losing something. He was crying and tearing about the house looking for his precious squirt gun. When he finally found it, he smiled through his tears. I knelt down next to him, put my hand on his shoulder and, when he was a little calmer I said,
“Eby, I noticed something really good.”
“What?” He asked with tears still on his cheeks.
“You had some big sad feelings about losing your squirt gun, didn’t you.”
He nodded.
“Sometimes when you have big sad feelings, you start acting mad and you yell at people.”
He nodded again.
“But today you were so amazing because you didn’t let your big sad feelings turn into mad feelings! You let yourself feel the sad feelings. You did so great, I am so proud of you.”
He smiled and leaned into me just a little bit – which is as awesome as a hug, coming from Eby.
Then he was off to play and I was left kneeling on the floor marveling at my boy.
Lisa
Love this. Both parts. :)
I am praying for the day when my son lets himself feel the sad feelings. It comes out like anger or more often, complete indifference. But this gives me hope that someday, he'll be able to feel sad. Great job, Eby!
Wow! Love how God gives you such great insight and through your children. I realize I need my eye wide open for this myself. I definitely feel both stories strongly. A is having feeling he has never had being brought up with the anticipation of our 2 new arrivals and our oldest will be gone to school in a year and I'm feeling all of that too.
Thanks for your sharing! God uses you in so many lives. Ran into a friend at church that said do you every read a blog by the name One Thankful Mom… God uses you so much to encourage, strengthen and to just validate! Love you much and still waiting to meet in person,
Your Friend, Chris :)
I can so relate to the Isaiah story. When Drew decided to move across the country to go to school I was petrified. But, my good friend Alice put her hand on my arm and said she was sure God would never send Drew anywhere bad and that he would be fine. Four years late he has graduated and he is fine. He has made wonderful friends and has an amazing girl friend. He is too far from home for me, but he is happy.
What if mad always looks like sad?? My little guy (almost home a year) expresses the wide ends of the spectrum with happy and sad. He is exuberantly happy and we joke that he cries about EVERYTHING. Every mad comes out with tears. I've given it this long, just wondering if that was his only attention getter in his foster home. At this point, I'm wondering what other tools some of you (the readers or Lisa, yourself) might have for me?? Thank you so much for sharing Lisa, all of your tools, challenges, and successes are serving so many – our family as well.
You know my first thought was that this is one of my very favorite parts of having a big family, especially one with older kiddos. Done in the right way of course, but they'll call you out, even when you don't know the truth yourself. What a blessing.
nancy
oh man, do we have sad look like mad around her, and scared look like mad. and we do not have verbal skills enough to be able to talk about it yet. but i will keep trying. thanks for sharing. and MAN do i need to do better at seeing it in myself.
Love this post! So true. thank you for sharing the story.
–shawnee
Oh my! This post is incredible and I can so relate as a mother. My son could relate in all his ways if he could read, but he's only three. ;-) This is one of those posts that I want to print and save for future reference. I just recently decided that purposeful parenting can so much feel like purposeful teaching in a primary classroom- lots of thinking aloud, making connections that aren't just "there," modeling, so on and so forth. Thank you for sharing!
Super helpful thoughts. Applicable to understanding so many folks in my life — including myself.