As we developed Dimples’ Food Plan, she became increasingly bold about requesting the foods she most likes. With a family of 13, there are many foods we all enjoy that just don’t fit our budget. While we don’t skimp, I generally buy foods that give maximum nutrition, but may not always be exciting or fancy.
As Dimples listed off the foods she wanted in her plan, she asked for beef jerky, and then added, “My Mom won’t buy it for me because it costs too much.”
Deborah commented that beef jerky seemed like a decent choice and asked if I would be willing to buy it for Dimples. I conceded that it would be a helpful snack for her to keep in her backpack and eat during the transition from school to home. She couldn’t have unlimited access to it, but I would buy her one package each month at Costco.
She was delighted! I was not quite so thrilled.
After Dimples left the appointment, Deborah and I had our wrap-up time. She told me that she could see that I was weary after the months of summer, but that I needed to keep my focus. She reminded me that Dimples’ issues with food are not those of a child who is being picky and fussy, but they are due to her trauma history. She has special needs — that is our reality.
It helps me to remember this. If I look at Dimples with the eyes of an experienced mother who has never indulged her children’s food whims, I get completely irritated. But if I look at her with eyes that acknowledge her history, remember her fears, and sympathize with her physical discomforts, I can respond in love.
And I can even buy that darn beef jerky.
[note: Dimples divided the beef jerky into 30 small ziploc bags and has taken one to school each day. So far, so good!]
~Lisa
A very helpful reminder, Lisa. Thank you again for being an encouragement.
I too often look at my child with a traumatic history through the eyes of an experienced mother and I know that because of that, I fail her everyday.
Just wondering how that plays out with your other children? I know if I were to give one of mine a 'special treat' like beef jerky, they all would want it (or something equally as expensive as a treat). How do you handle that?
Or, for instance, my daughter has been struggling with fear at night because of bad guys in bad dreams–understandable because of her history. How do I allow her a spot in my room without ending up with 3 littles in my room each night? : (
yes. I get this….my hard part of this is how do I explain to the other children, some younger, why they do not get "beef jerky" too. If I have a hard time with it and have to remind myself the why of it, how can I expect them to understand and remember. My biggest challenge right now, the one that has me pulling my hair out, crying, weary, praying, is the sibling conflicts and conflicts about siblings..to me. I can't seem to dig out under the pile of them for 10 seconds to take a breath!
"If I look at Dimples with the eyes of an experienced mother who has never indulged her children’s food whims, I get completely irritated. But if I look at her with eyes that acknowledge her history, remember her fears, and sympathize with her physical discomforts, I can respond in love."
Thank you. Well said. That is a distinction I need to be reminded of frequently. Such insight and learning to be found in beef jerky! :)
You KNOW I SO relate! It's encouraging to know that other moms struggle with this feeling….I I feel this same way, then feel guilty and ashamed of the stinginess and at the lack of love in my heart for my own child! I think whether we realize it or not, even though we strive to be "selfless" in parenting all of our children, in reality, we get love, affection, affirmation, etc… back from our healthily parented children. But when we are called to extend love to a child that constantly wants more and feels like a bottomless pit of need, its so easy to run OUT of motivation and compassion and selflessness. I try to remind myself of Jesus words, "If you love those who love you, even the Pharisees to that!" Jesus calls us to love those who reject us and hurt us….Not easy at any time, but especially with our own children, in our own homes, and day after day.
Thanks for being there and sharing the journey with me!
One of my (many) mantras is: Different Things for Different Kids at Different Times. At this point I've said it so often that now I just say the word "Different . . . " and the kids say, "I know, I know." I think my older (bio) kids understand the reasons we sometimes treat Abi with seeming "favoritism," and we've also discussed it with them openly and honestly from the beginning. My youngest (bio) has been the beneficiary herself of this policy on many occasions, so she doesn't object either. Oddly enough, it is Abi (11 and home 5 years from ET) – who is always worried that someone is going to get something more or better than what he has – who needs to hear it the most often!
Kate, I love that. I'm going to use that phrase from here on out.
I love your mantra! I'm a guilt ridden, everything must be equal all of the time mom. I've already used this phrase on my kids—ahhhh, freedom!! :)
this is funny! I made my September grocery list earlier this week and finally put Costco beef jerky on there for Avi – he doesn't ask for it, but another mom told me that it has helped tremendously with her little guy to have that high protein snack after school. Good to know you got 30 servings out of it!!
And my favorite "I treat you all exactly fairly for who you are and what is going on in the moment."
I think you can make your own fairly cheaply in a dehydrator.
I continue to be inspired by your honesty and advice. You are such a blessing to so many. Thank you.
Oh, so awesome that you can see her through different eyes when you need to! I love your blog and everything you share, and you have really helped me be a better mom to my 4 kids with so many of your suggestions, so thank you!
And I have one idea to toss out there in return: I have been studying plastic with my homeschoolers and what we have learned is horrifying and saddening, but also empowering. One of the things we are trying to do in our home, and encourage others to do, is reduce single-use plastic. So reading your recent food posts, of course I noticed the number of baggies you are going to be going through. : ) May I make a couple of easy suggestions that will end up saving your family money and saving a little bit of plastic in the landfills?
(word press is telling me my comment is too long, so I'm going to split it up)
pt 2
With the beef jerky: one idea is having Dimples not throw out those plastic baggies at lunch time, instead bringing them home. When she empties her lunch box, she can put the jerky baggie into a little container in the pantry (an empty plastic wipes container would work well, or an empty paperboard tissue box) and then next month when you get the new container of jerky, she can just go to her stash of baggies and fill them up again. Since jerky is so well preserved, I don't think any small amount of residue left from it in the baggies would be a problem. . . but you could always just try and see what you think. : )
pt 3
And for the frozen chicken and rice individual servings, your current method is very sensible, except for the plastic waste, so if you don't want to change it, fine! But here is another idea just to consider: one way to do it without the baggies is store the individual servings in "phantom containers." Here is how you do it: line dinner bowls with wax paper and spoon the food in the correct helping size into them. (can use plastic wrap, but make sure food is not hot or acidic) Put them in the freezer, just like that. In a few hours, when they are hard, take them out of the bowls, remove the wax paper, and stack the frozen "bowls" of food in heavy-duty plastic freezer bags. When Dimples wants to get one, she just needs to get her serving out of the freezer, put it back in the dinner bowl, and warm it up in the microwave. (She could even do this the night before, so it can thaw a little in the fridge overnight) The freezer bags can just be stored in the freezer, ready to reuse next time you make a batch (could even keep the wax paper in the bag to reuse too, depending on how much the food stuck to it)!
pt 4
I personally do not advocate washing most baggies and reusing them–it is so time consuming and clutters up the kitchen, much better to not use baggies at all–and certainly am not trying to suggest a very busy mom like you feel guilty about using some baggies if that is what your family needs to do. : ) So these are just ideas you can think about. . . or not!
Thanks for sharing what you are doing, and I look forward to hearing how your parenting/food choices and changes help Dimples!
Thank you for the great suggestions! Dimples is saving her beef jerky bags, but in a rather haphazard manner. A designated container near her large bag of beef jerky is a good solution. I'm not quite sure how to tackle the chicken and rice bags since she made at least 40 servings and it would be hard to freeze so many in bowls. I'll think about that one! Thanks for taking the time to leave your thoughts.
This is a really good reminder for me. I tend to get really irritated….and I must remember to keep things in a different perspective;)
"Or, for instance, my daughter has been struggling with fear at night because of bad guys in bad dreams–understandable because of her history. How do I allow her a spot in my room without ending up with 3 littles in my room each night? : ( "
These are the kind of struggles I've had since my children have been home….I love the "different" response, but it just doesn't always work and I have to say it is exhausting!! to say the least and very challenging to our love relationship. My three are like triplets and although they are, after a year beginning to differentiate some, they often feel less love if one 'gets something' that they don't also get:) It wears me out…..
I'm sorry this comment is so long, but I hope it helps.
When I was working in Ethiopia and told people I was a vegetarian, they either laughed out loud, or shrank away in suspicion. At restaurants, waiters wanted to know why I would ask for "peasant food" if I could afford to go out to eat. I was once told that as a "rich American", I should be eating beef- morning, noon, and night!
In Ethiopia most people live on lentils, chickpea, potato, onion, carrot, beet, and maybe greens or cabbage. Meat is relatively very expensive, and most people eat meat *only when they can afford it*. So, how much meat a family eats is a sign of how well they are doing. The street and orphanage children I worked with viewed meat as a kind of barometer for security; "we are eating meat, so we must be doing ok" or "we have no meat, we must be sliding back into hunger".
At one orphanage where all the children were waiting for adoptive families, one of the first things ALL the kids asked about their new homes is whether there would meat. One child described his fantasy of a new American home as a place where there were 2 refrigerators; one always full of just meat. When he said it, all the kids cheered. It is the ultimate symbol of affluence and stability.
At a government orphanage, when asked what it was like to live there, a little boy replied ominously, "they never give us meat". An American visitor laughed that if that was his worst worry he must be doing ok. But that boy wasn't complaining, he was terrified. In his mind, if there was no meat, they must just barely be making ends meet. He felt constantly on the brink of deprivation. Today it is shiro, tomorrow it may be nothing.
In America, if our spouse stops making the house payment, we get worried. We think, "oh no! What's happening? Is our money gone? What if we lose everything?" For a child like yours, with the culture and food insecurity she has experienced, a meal without meat gives that same feeling.
When you give her chicken for breakfast and beef jerky in the car, what you are saying to her is, "It's Ok. We can take care of you. There is no danger of hunger, no danger or homelessness, no danger that we won't be able to afford to keep you. You are safe."
Thank you so much for your insight into Dimples' meat obsession. Not being a meat-lover myself, it is hard for me to empathize with the intense craving for it. When we were in Ethiopia, I was so relieved to discover the "fasting" menus, but my girls always chose tibs or doro wat. I just enjoyed a bit of time reading your blog — what a lovely family!
Oh, so true, Lisa. Parenting these kids from hard places is so different. It sure is stretching us. :-)
I loved the comment section as much as the post today.
Sandee: We should talk. The sibling rivalry is probably the cause of the most tension in our house. Our older bio daughter just cannot fathom the "special treatment" that our daughter with trauma gets. She thinks it is so unfair if justice is not carried out the way it used to be. Ugh.
Leslee Matthews: We should talk. We also deal with bad guys.
C in DC: What great insight. Meat is a luxury if you're starving. My daughter doesn't seem to have a big obsession with food, even though I know she was undernourished and neglected. But there are traces of deep-seated feelings that come to the surface. I might have to try beef jerky.
Lisa, I had to laugh at myself. I was the over-indulgent mother that catered to my firstborn's food whims. By the time he was 3, I was so done with catering to a select menu. I was ready to go in with both guns a-blazin'. Then my second was born. He had horrible food allergies, so once again we were on a limited menu, and he grew up picky with different things. And I didn't have the energy to change the first one's preferences. Along came number 3. We did all right by her. She is willing to try new things. :-) Then came number 4, who has mild emotional food issues. Oh, and I'm a picky eater. :-) I wish I'd have had your wisdom when we were just starting…
thank you for well voiced thoughts about parenting, we are still at the beginning of the process in adopting an older son…but i so needed to hear your words about a child with special needs in food…my 8 year old had health issues for years which we learned came from an allergy to , of all things, apples…but the residual needs due to internal weakness often leave me wondering if i am really irritated at her needs, or just missing the way i used to parent and feed my others without those needs. the more i do remember the difference of her path, the easier it is to love her through her different needs~ God bless you
Thank you, Charity — I appreciate hearing from you. Blessings on your adoption process.
Oh, reading this and all the comments has been so helpful! Thank you for your insight and willingness to share honestly!
I had the thought while reading this that while jerky might be a little more expensive, it is a great protein source . . . that alone has some huge value in the not being hungry again right away department!
Also, I read the above post about the baggies and thought I would share an idea. (Not trying to tell you not to use baggies, since they are working for you . . . just offering up what we do.) When we want to freeze something in measured portions, as long as it will stick together enough we just freeze it in piles placed on a lined baking pan. You just line a large baking pan with parchment or waxed paper, scoop the food into a measuring cup – sort of pack it in so that it will stick together, then dump your measuring cup onto the lined pan, place the pan into the freezer (we usually have to balance ours on top of other things in our deep freeze), let it freeze for a few hours (until it's hard enough to remove), then put into larger freezer containers or baggies. If you can make your rice just a little sticky, I would be that you could get 20 servings on a large pan.
That is a great idea. It occurred to me that for small portions, freezing in muffin tins might work well. They would be easy to fill and stick in the freezer, although too small for Dimples' chicken and rice. You all have got me thinking.