I’ve mentioned that I recently finished reading Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes. The first time I read it was before we had our children home and it didn’t really hold my attention. I mean, really, what were the chances that I would have a child with an attachment challenge? When I picked it up recently, I couldn’t put it down; I read it cover to cover, pencil in hand, underlining as I went.
One of the key aspects to Hughes model of therapeutic parenting is what he calls, The Attitude. This attitude is maintained by the parent as they interact with the child and sets a foundation for healing.
The Attitude has five features: playful, loving, accepting, curious, and empathetic.
Our children with histories of trauma and attachment missed the normal experience of being parented this way when they were babies and toddlers. Think of how we interact with our babies – we are playful with them and loving. We think they are adorable and we accept their feelings and actions when they are hungry or tired. When they cry all afternoon, we say they are fussy, and give them extra nurturing. We carry them in front packs and make sure they feel safe and warm. As they begin to learn and change, we watch them, curious to see how they understand things and what they are able to do. It’s not difficult to be empathetic to our children, even when their behavior is challenging.
When we apply The Attitude to our interactions with our children from hard places, we create an atmosphere in which they can heal and grow. I know how hard this is with really tough kids. I’ve been working on it with Bee and Eby, and it takes a lot of energy. The key is that my emotions are not controlled by their behavior. I can be curious about why Bee says or does something, but I try not to let it affect me in a way that makes me want to pull away from her. When I do that, even subtly, she feels it and it sets us back in our journey toward secure attachment.
The trick for me, and probably for many of us, is maintaining this attitude while still having empathy and connection. If we detach in the, “too bad for you; live with your choices,” way, we allow sarcasm to creep in, and we increase our children’s deep core of shame.
Question: Of the five features: playful, loving, accepting, curious, and empathetic, is there one that you struggle with more than the others?
Have a great Monday, friends.
Lisa
" If we detach in the, “too bad for you; live with your choices,” way, we allow sarcasm to creep in, and we increase our children’s deep core of shame."
Powerful.
"Accepting" is my hardest. Sometimes I wonder if I confuse my desire for my children's healing with an inability to also accept them for who they are.
Yes. I wonder this too. I'm pretty sure I know the answer.
Oh boy. Yep, I read that before the boys came home, too, and I had forgotten all about The Attitude. It's SO freaking hard to keep our emotions out of it, but I find that things go so much better when I do. Thanks for this reminder today. I can clearly see how involving my emotions and personal reactions to the things they say and do can be seriously detrimental to our connection.
Oh man, this is SO what I have been struggling with. Acceptance challenges me. A lot. :-(
Accepting and empathetic are my hardest.
Accepting b/c these kids have "weird" things they do. Things that annoy me b/c they are nothing like me.
Empathetic b/c I have kids that do things like scream b/c they bumped their finger. A lot of me wants to say, "Really….get over it."
Bumping a finger and screaming over it… That is funny. We have one of those and sometimes we think how much drama can you pour into a bump. I try very hard when she is hurt to think toddler even though she is 11. I have noticed that when she gets her boo boos kised she is tougher the next time.
But then there are the days that I tell her to stay away from her siblings , sit down and color or read because I am concerned she is not safe. That is when there have been 5 or so tattles/screams in a short period of time.
As I consider the five features I would have to say that my biggest struggle has been in being playful. Which was quite surprising to me because playfulness can often times be the easiest feature for me… But I would say that as our connection has become deeper, I do find it easier to be playful. In the first year or two in the heat of his behaviors, it was so, extremely, difficult to be playful – because I was typically in 'stress' mode. I saw it, regretted it, but it was such a challenge to lighten up. He has now been home with me for 27 months, and I would say that it has definitely been easier to be playful in the last 6 months or so – for both of us.
On a side note, he is quite witty! Yesterday, we saw a passenger in a car wearing a helmet. We laughed. And then he looks at me and says…, if I wear a helmet and policeman pulls us over – I would say – 'that's…, why I wear this helmet.' – all with the twinkle in his eye… It is so good to finally be lighthearted enough in our relationship that we can enjoy such fun moments.
Playful….I feel as though I have been drained of my fun side. :(
Yes…I took my bioson out for a quick treat together this afternoon, and I caught a glimpse of my furrowed brow in the rearview mirror. No WONDER he has become sullen and quiet. It isn't because of the chaos our Star brings when he screams. It's because *I* am not who I used to be for my firstborn miracle. I used to be a silly, sing-song mom who played and giggled. Now I am just guilty, angry, worried, and stressed. Im so sorry for it, too.
I stopped at a red light, turned around and simply smiled a relaxed smile at him…and it was amazing how his face changed, too. Tears are flowing even typing this out.
Mine is definitely playful. I've gotten so caught up in all the "must get dones" that I forget to just have fun.
I don't know that I can possibly pick just one of those. Especially today. :) We have a child with RAD and some days (today is one of them) I lose my focus and e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g drives me crazy. Praying right now for a change of heart and attitude. Thank you for this post.
I struggle with playfulness and acceptance. By nature, I'm more serious and playful can be a stretch for me. It has to be a conscious decision. Acceptance is hard. Unconditional love is hard. It just is.
This is such a good reminder. It gets hard to keep up these attitudes in the face of everyday challenges.
I needed to read this today. I have not been having The Attitude. I think what makes it hardest is that, unlike with a baby, there are often words and behaviors that accompany actions that are not babylike. My baby settles down when she is fussy and on my lap. My five-year-old tries to get me to chase her around the house, shrieks, and says unkind things. But I think that if I approach her with The Attitude consistently, she'll settle into it and start responding more like the baby. We just have to work through a lot of other stuff repeatedly before she'll get it.
playful…. definitely . it's hard to be playful when the fun has been sucked out of you. I'm more serious by nature as well.
So true!
Absolutely! "fun has been sucked out of you" Perfect description.
Thank you for writing this Lisa, and thanks everyone for posting/being honest. Wow, I'm so in the same boat with my 7 yr old girlie, home for 1.5 years. Our 'dance' of attachment is like william hung dancing to a tin can (ha ha but TRUE). and me be accepting?PLAYFUL? as one other poster said, most of the time you are in 'stress' mode, so being playful is so opposite of where I feel like most of the time. BUT, as time passes, there are tiny glimpses of her funny side, and we share a laugh, and that feels good. But then of course in typical trauma fashion we talk.about.it.for.the.next.year….over.and over……..Acceptance is a real mind-twister of a question for me…still mulling over that….as a mom, how much do you"accept" and how much do you say "no way. not giving up! You CAN learn a different way to react"….. guess that depends on the specific behaviors, which ones they can learn to curb (loudness/bullying-ness/demanding) and others that just come with the territory and will be hard to shake (hyperawareness/some sort of control all the time). Guess it is specific for each individual kid, and that's where we have to really lean in to the Lord and have Him guide us as to what to try and retrain, and what to accept as 'them'. hope all that makes sense. I know my girlie and I are most days like salt in a scratch, but I feel I can now say that even so, she is "MY" girl…. (most days ;>)
Katie, that is a good question/thought. I don't think we have to accept their unhealthy behaviors, we just have to accept that our kids have them and that there is a reason they rely on these behaviors to keep themselves feeling safe and in control. I think it helps us not to get sucked down into a negative emotional place. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around all of this sometimes! I just keep plugging away. I'm glad to hear she is your girl – that is beautiful.
Playful. I love order. I have a super hard time stopping what I do to be playful. My husband has done a great job in reminding me to respond with humor to Desta's tantrums FIRST…because most of the time it's just about attention and wanting to make sure she is heard. I'm working on this but it's so hard!
Thanks for this reminder and encouragement and affirmation. I read your blog for a year before we brought my son home from China at age 7 1/2. He's been home 2 1/2 years now. I remember being intentionally playful with him (natural for my husband, not as much for me) and this kind of parenting really, really works for him. My biggest problem is when we are around extended family for a long visit. Other adults in the family go to that "too bad for you; live with your choices" place and challenge us on why we don't relate to him that way. That part is hard for me because I guess, I want everyone to approve of how we parent
Hey Lisa,
I totally agree that it helps knowing the "why" of the behavior, at least for me. It does help with avoiding the negative spiral (mine goes like this: WHY are you doing this? do you hate me? are we really THAT bad? are you EVER going to trust me? this will NEVER get better…and on and on).
Anyways as always love to read your thoughts and follow everyone's comments…you should do a trauma mama's retreat over near TX!!
Thanks, Katie. Is Colorado in April close enough??
I am pretty sure I see my hesitancy in all these areas at times- according to their behavior…..Hmmmm……needed to hear this. I know that I know that I know I can NOT let my behavior be dependent on my children's, but that is sooo easy to say and NOT easy to do. Will be thinking more about this…..thinking I may need to read this….
Hey Lisa,
Colorado in April? HMMMMMMMMMMM;> That would be awesome if I could swing it.
Here is a link to the retreat information. http://embracingorphans.com/Upcoming-retreats.htm…
This is GREAT….gotta have this book…right after I finish the Whole Brain Child :).
We have several challenging children and like several have said, I feel so stressed most of the time I forget to even smile not to mention "Play". The funny thing is…I'm asking my children to "change" something constantly…attitude, volumn, language, response,manners, etc…and I am the one finding it so hard to "change" myself to really meet their needs! I guess God's trying to show me that…maybe I need to lighten up a bit on the kids and buckle down on myself more :). We just started Theraplay with one of our little ones with BIG success…it sounds very similar to the Attitude. Prayer filled blessings to all the momma's who so honestly shared! I've certainly been blessed by each of you tonight!
I've put a lot of energy into PLACE recently and, you know what, the unexpected result was that my 4 1/2 year old daughter looked at me and thought "huh, this is different, I wonder what I can get away with now?" She started testing me…ALL DAY LONG! I always approached her with PLACE, but her behavior (which happens to be pushing her toddler brother down, squeezing him too hard, sticking her hand in his mouth and scratching him, etc.) became more repetitive. Anyone else have this happen?
I desperately wanted this to work, because it makes so much sense. Another tricky thing for me was that I was unable to express my frustration and anger, so eventually I just lost it. It was about 4 days into it and I broke a plate and screamed…not such a great feeling :( How do we balance PLACE and also allow ourselves as the parents to have human emotions???
I don't know exactly, but I hear you. More testing when the family feels closer – two steps forward are too scary so one step back always accompanies.
Words I needed to hear in this season. Thanks.
Melissa http://www.thecorkums.com
I read this book before I started fostering, but I needed this reminder about PLACE, I had totally forgotten about it. Just made a big sign to put up on my fridge as a constant reminder!
It can be so difficult to figure out how to be playful while still being firm. Loving, but firm. Accepting but not allowing bad behavior. It's an interesting dance, to be sure. I know that with my daughter, when I accept where she's at without accepting the behavior, it looks something like, "Sweetie, I see that you're very angry right now. We'll talk about this again when you're calm, okay?" And then I stick to it. Engaging her anger isn't helpful – for either her or me. (She's twelve.) Also, she DEFINITELY responds better to a playful attitude than a serious, judge-y one. Almost every time I address a behavior or action directly, it elicits a decidedly negative response. There are times when I have to anyway, but when there is another option available to deal with what's going on, I'll take it. :) All that being said, there are days where the drama is just too much and I want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. On those days I am feeling neither playful nor accepting… or loving… or empathetic… or curious… I only feel DONE.
I love all of you so much! :-) I needed to hear this post, but also all these comments. I feel so less alone now. I've tried sharing with non-adoption friends and keep getting the "it takes time" response which I understand, but isn't always helpful when you're feeling overwhelmed and not connecting with your child. We have been home 5 months with our newest daughter (she just turned 8 last week). We're having way more medical issues than expected, some learning issues, etc. and I've just really having a hard time attaching to her on my end. All that to say, THANKS!!!
Acceptance is tough for me since the behaviors can be so trying that I can find myself retreating from connection. Fortunately, I've been able to recognize that and fight against it after acknowledging it… wasn't always the case :( I've just finished the Building the Bonds of Attachment book after reading your post and it was so helpful. I had never read anything like it and it just really made sense! Some of it I was already doing but now the challenge is to add the rest of the pieces! Starting his other book today!