We have a problem at our house that needs to be corrected. One of our children has a serious proclivity toward whining. The problem is also mine, because I have grown so used to it that I hardly hear it until it is so completely annoying that it slaps me in the face. Whining may have been a useful tool in the orphanage where it wasn’t always easy to get attention, but it is no longer needed.
When our child arrived in the family, there were so many issues to focus on that the smaller problems remained untouched. In our case, the big issues began to resolve, English was learned, the new diet became normal, chores were mastered, but the whining…my ears had nearly grown accustomed to it.
I’ve dealt with whining before, but usually with very young children. It is much different retraining an older child. This is my current strategy: when a whining voice is used to address me, I say, “My listening ears are closed to whining.” I add a little hand motion, cupping my hand behind my ear and then closing it over my ear (like a door). I then turn and continue whatever I am doing. That often is enough to get my child to change her tone and try again. Sometimes she stomps away…but her heart is tender and it isn’t long before she is back and ready to try again.
Anybody else struggling with whining? What have you done to bring an end to that unpleasant behavior?
~Lisa
We are in the process of adopting two from Ethiopia ages 5 and under. I do have one at home now that whines. My struggle is that I don't always hear it. I'm hoping that all the bad habits that I've allowed my current children at home will be under control by the time the new ones come home. This mountain may be too steep to climb, but I have His strength!
I need all the advice I can get!
Wondering, do you know where we may be able to purchase Bibles in Amharic? (sp?)
I typically handle it in a similar way. I usually say, "I can't understand you. If you want to tell me something or ask me something, you will need to ask me in your regular voice." Sometimes she stomps off too, but generally she stops and talks in a regular fashion.
I hate whining, and I'm constantly amazed at how often the boys try it, even though it really doesn't work.
We say 'how do you ask?' Or 'change your tone.'
Or, if it's really serious, I say 'I can't understand you when you're talking like that.'
It works each time, but I can't really tell if it's working in the long run since THEY STILL TRY!
The way that I have dealt with whinning in the past is to tell the child that I can't understand a word that they are saying. Which usually resulted in an instant turn around in the request or statement that was being made.
It often seems that your posts are written at the exact moment that I need to know that "someone else gets it."
Much like you said, we've been dealing with the big issues – medical stuff, learning a new language, a change in diet, grieving… that my head and heart (and ears) just let the whining go…
I just didn't hear it because I was so busy and caught up in all of the big things – and it has come to a point where it really makes me a little nutty.
Grace (our oldest) knows that there is no tolerance for whining. That's been the deal since she was young. However, in the orphanage, Ava got what she needed by whining the longest and the loudest. I also noticed that at the orphanage the children who used that sickly sweet, "oh puh-leeeeeese" kind of whining were actually rewarded with the attention, the "oh, they are so cute" comments.
But here that behavior is not only not needed, it is in fact not allowed.
I use the same response that I used with Grace, "my ears will listen when you use a voice like mine" and thankfully she seems to be getting it.
Christall
Sometimes I answer my children with my voice talking in a positive, upbeat, non whiney way, re-stating their question in the right tone….I'll say something like, "I'm sure what you really mean is 'Mommy, I'm a little hungry…Do you think I could have an apple?'"…..And I won't respond other than repeating this same tactic, until they correct themselves and ask in the right way.
Or the other thing I do is "out-drama" the drama queen in the way I start talking until they are usually laughing, or realizing how silly they sound and correct themselves….
It's always something with somebody, isn't it? :o)
Lisa H.
Very good!! I have tried "I'm sorry, I don't understand Whinese." Also, tried "talk to me later, when your ready to use a big girl voice."
Renae
Oh yes, we battle The Whine often around here. I sometimes try "When you whine, it shows me that you're overtired and need more rest… so maybe you need extra bed time." – But mostly we do what you do and just 'not listen' until they repeat what they said in a different tone.
Jacob is very sensitive to big boy vs. baby behavior. First, I explained to him that in our house only babies whine when they want something. Then, each time he would start to address me with that whiny voice, I would playfully and dramatically drop what I was doing and start searching the house for the 'baby'. We all have a laugh and then Jacob gets a chance to ask again in a big boy voice. Happy to report that the whiny behavior is just about gone. He's seven though, not sure that sweet Honeybee would go along with the game at her age :)
I think that is a great way Lisa! Just remember to be consistent and it will eventually go away…I used to teach before I had kids and the older the child the harder it was to retrain but by the end of the school year I always saw some progress….but since they were still getting away with it at home I never really won the battle.
With my little ones, I saw try again with respect, please use your manners, or you need to use a big boy voice (although I don't think that Honeybee will appreciate that one.) I like the please try again with respect because we talk about being respectful to everyone in our family and when you talk to me in that whiney voice it is not giving me any respect.
Whining – when this was a problem at our house I had the kids restate all the things they were whining about. For instance "I'm bored." Restate all the things you have that you could be doing. "You don't want to play with me, do you?" Restate "Would you like to play with me?" Worked great. Makes new habits.
Now something I'm wondering…how many pairs of jeans do most kids in a large family have? I feel like I need to buy some more jeans for my kids but am leary because I think maybe I'm being a materialistic American…
Lisa,
Sometimes I think you are looking in my windows and blogging about my family, instead of your own. :-)
Last week, I was a little upset because another blogger was railing on parents who let their kids whine. I thought to myself, "You have NO idea of what we've been through and how far we've come…You have no right to judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes."
Then I realized I was defending poor behavior in my child. I don't always hear whining either. But, since it came to my attention last week, I've been noticing it much more.
I usually say something like, "You mean, 'Mommy, may I please have…" spoken in a calm, friendly, gentle voice, with a smile. Then I wait for the child to do it over the right way.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it escalates. I'll have to try the listening ears.
Thank you again for all your wonderful insight.
Love,
Julie
The Anderson House is def experiencing some whining and "pitiful me" attitudes…
We do something close to what you are doing with our hearing children. With our deaf children we have a signed phrase we uses that basically means "I talk clearly with my hands because I want my message to be clear" and whining is def NOT clear :)
We also have a 'daily chant' that changes slightly on the situation but the core message is the same.
I am able
I am loved
I am important to this family
I am wanted
I am smart
I am capable
We let the kids add in other positives too…"funny" "friendly" etc…
I just stumbled onto your blog and I'm so happy I did. I am going to try your method. I'm at my wits end with not so much whining but screaming for attention. My little one is 3 so he's still young but I'd like to nip it in the butt before my hearing goes as a result of this behavior. If you have any more tips feel free to share.
I say, "I can hear you when you use your sweet voice." This is after we have already established what a sweet voice IS and ISN'T. It is calm, kind and in-control. Crystal http://familyofsixgoingtoethiopia.blogspot.com
that is pretty much what we have done, with a little different phrasing. but basically " i can't hear whining, sorry".. and just go about whatever I was doing. :)worked like a charm.