It seems that Dimples’ food trauma history – or lack of food – is more substantial than we initially realized. Issues about food: what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, seem to take a disproportionate amount of time and energy, and are a significant drain on the loving relationship I want with her.
With help from Deborah, Dimples made a meal plan for the first month of school. It looks like this:
1. Breakfast: Chicken and Rice
2. Lunch: Chicken and Rice or Tuna
3. Recess or Driving Home from School Snack: Beef Jerky
4. Afternoon Snack: Pita and Hummus or Tuna Fish
5. Dinner: Whatever Mom cooks
Can you tell that my daughter craves meat?
Implementing the plan took a little bit of preparation, but Dimples enjoyed the process.
First, we bought some large packages of chicken thighs which I slow-cooked and then Dimples removed the meat from the bones. We also made a full rice cooker of brown rice. Dimples then divided to rice into two large bowls, seasoned one half with spicy berbere and left one more mildly seasoned. She then mixed the chicken into the bowls and measured one cup servings into ziploc bags which we stacked on a cookie sheet and froze. Once the bags were frozen, we put them in large freezer ziploc bags to store.
Each evening she puts one bag in the refrigerator to thaw overnight and then warms it in the morning. It has been absolutely wonderful not having a single discussion about what is for breakfast!
So far she has taken plain tuna in her lunch which she eats with crackers. By next week I imagine we’ll break out the thermos and she’ll take rice for lunch as well.
The beef jerky was a tough compromise for me. More on that tomorrow!
I have an overly optimistic “To-do” list today. Right now Sunshine is helping me clean out our school cabinet and arrange this year’s books. I had better join her.
Thank you for your kind and insightful comments about yesterday’s post. Navigating the emotions of being an adoptive mother is complicated for me sometimes.
Have a great Wednesday!
~Lisa
I can hear the relief in your "voice". She knows what she's having. She prepared it. She saw it. She knows it's there. And she likes it. I hope the plan continues to work well for her.
Julie, I do feel relieved! Honestly, it's like getting some sanity back and it was so simple! Dimples is definitely calmer and I am thrilled.
Another advantage is having so many of her meals organized making for a quicker morning before school. I have always disliked packing school lunches and the kids complaining they were always the same, BUT they never had ideas of different things to have. Thanks also for feeding Caleb on Monday–I hear he just decided to come home with Samuel for pizza without an invite!
Laura, Caleb never needs an invite! He is always welcome to drop in for dinner. We are packing lunches right after dinner, and so far (all four times) it is going great. It is all flowing along nicely for our first week!
My daughter, 12 years old, and home 6 months (also with food issues) craves meat as well. What's that about?
Marlene, I wonder if children who have been severely malnourished crave protein? In Dimples' case, she ate minimal dairy before arriving here, so she doesn't like dairy — and can't digest it either. Unfortunately, she doesn't like nuts or eggs very much, but she will eat beans. She likes meat best of all.
Has anybody else experienced this with their children?
Though my kids will eat anything. They both crave meat and will ask for it for snacks if they know it is available. Interestingly, Hannah always eats her meat first, she was used to people stealing food from her because she is a slow eater! Caleb, who was part of the stealing brigade, always eats his meat last, you know, saving the best for last!
Dimples is more of an "eat the best first" kind of girl. You got to see some of our food issues in action when you visited. I hope your kids have recovered from the vomiting at the table episode – that was lovely.
She is so beautiful and looks so grown up in these pictures! I would love to talk more about this with you…we need a long late night phone call. XO
Em, I would love a long phone call – I miss you! Doesn't Dimples look radiant? She has grown so much. Of course it helps that Honeybee braided her hair for me! Let's talk soon.
Genius! Giving her control, building her trust, and including her in the prep/work, all at once!! So simple. So amazingly simple.
I know! It makes me wonder why I didn't just think of it myself, but I was too worn out over food problems to be creative.
My daughter seems to have some anxiety about food and tends to overeat…I wonder if a plan such as this would help her….I would have to get alot more organized to make it work (which wouldn't be a bad thing!!)
Lori, it is worth every moment spent in preparation to have peace for days and days. I hope you will give it a try.
Have we experienced this? I could have written that post myself! When our son, Abi, came home from Ethiopia 5 years ago, at 7ish, one of our first outings was to a big supermarket. He literally ran over to all packages of meat and started KISSING them . . . I kid you not! These days, he is extremely healthy and fit and full of vim and vigor – and he subsists largely on meat, vegetables, fruit, some rice and pasta, and more meat. It actually took me a couple of years (!) to realize that almost 75% of his snarky, nasty, complaining behaviors had to do with hunger. Now, when he is getting in that "mode," I first offer him something to eat. Almost all the time, it nips the foulness in the bud.
We have a list of "whenever foods" that he can have, um, whenever – I am not organized enough to plan out daily menus, I'm afraid. He can always have fruits or veggies, and when I go to Trader Joe's (do you have one near you?) I stock up on healthy-ish foods that he can heat up or cook himself – little cartons of ready-made pad thai, chicken taquitos, single-serve indian dishes (he also likes a LOT of spice). I have also relented a bit in terms of my own "health requirements" – mostly because he generally eats so well. I do stock ramen noodles and (gulp) "steak 'ems" for a quick philly cheesesteak sandwich (without the cheese – no dairy for him, either). I taught him how to make an omelette, so he can always have that, too. His issue is not so much with overeating – - – it's more the anxiety about when he is going to eat next, what we are having, and – the big one – whether there will be enough food. Having certain foods always available helps us . . . unless, of course, I happen to run out! :)
Your Abi and my Dimples are two peas in a pod! She is so anxious about food, but she also limits her choices and won't eat many of the foods I have always had available for my family: eggs, dairy (which she can't digest), peanut butter, bread, almonds, cheese sticks (that darn dairy again), bananas, pasta (she'll eat it on occasion), dried fruit… I could go on and on. What she loves is meat and more meat. She also likes rice, potatoes, fish, some vegetables, lentils, some fruits, corn tortillas, and other foods I can't think of at the moment.
She loves to remind me that she needs to eat every two hours! I just wish I could get her to broaden her menu – how easy would it be to have little bags of trail mix, a peanut butter sandwich, or a scrambled egg! Maybe some day.
Interesting. My 7-year-old daughter is snarky and nasty 12 out of 24 hours when she's not being downright abusive. She also has food issues: haunting the kitchen while I'm preparing food for fear I might out of nowhere feed everyone but her, carb-loading at every opportunity, etc. etc. However, her doctor wants her on a fairly strict diet because, although she is not overweight, she is at the top of the curve. Any thoughts on how I can put food decisions in her hands (so I don't go insane) when she won't make good ones on her own?
Kerrie, depending upon how long she has been home, I would not have her on a strict diet. If she has food deprivation/trauma in her past, in my mommy-opinion, restricting her will increase her anxiety which will come out in her behavior. Could you bring her into the process and give her some control over her food, like we are doing with Dimples? You could also try the "basket of her favorites" idea from Karyn Purvis. I don't know what Dr. Purvis calls it, but I've heard her teach about making a basket of favorite snacks – including some that aren't perfectly healthy – that the child can have at any time of the day or night. They can keep it in their room at night or wherever you agree. When they are hungry, they are welcome to eat any of the foods in the basket – it will not be taken away or restricted from them. It seems that initially she might go nuts and eat everything in the basket right away, but in time, it could be calming for her and she might begin to trust that you will always feed her and she will never be deprived. These are very tough issues.
She's been home for four years, but the adoption's only been finalized for one. She's adopted through foster care, so she's never been in an orphanage. I did try allowing her unlimited access to fruit, but she blew through $40 worth in one afternoon, and I can't keep up the supply.
We're moving next week, and I think I'm going to make a shelf in the frigde of snacks (fruit and protein). What would you do, though, if your child's stomach did not have an off switch? She also has sensory issues, but the opposite of what you usually hear of: she literally doesn't feel things. I don't think she'd ever feel full. Plus, it seems to me full access would encourage emotional eating. What do you think?
I have definitely encountered this anxieity in my kiddos, especially my girls. The funny thing is that they have virtually no memory of ever being hungary:) They never talk about food in ET and when asked they report that they ate three times a day. They also LOVE meat, but have learned (been forced? :) to love other foods as well by now. This plan would work really well for us.
BUT since all of our adoptive kiddos started public school this year and our income is waaaay down, we qualified for free breakfasts and lunches……I was just pondering this morning how that might all go. I am being forced to let go of some of their dietary intake – more than a little hard for this mama who would LOVE for them to get chicken and brown rice for breakfast instead of cereal and chocolate milk:) We'll see how it goes with them making their own food choices. History has shown that they have no sense about what is 'good' for them nor how much is a reasonable amount to eat. hmmmm……
Leslee, with free meals being provided, you will have to let go of control, but on the other hand, you will eliminate stress over breakfast and lunch. That just might be worth it! Hopefully there will be some good choices offered at school.
Oh ack! This is something that I have been turning over and over and over in my mind very recently! I can't begin to say what a relief it is to hear that it is not only at our house. I know the need-a-snack-at the regular time deal, and I can cope with that. But the meat, meat, meat, meat, meat cravings are about to do me in. I totally don't feel like it is healthy to let "Gus" eat so much meat (because she would eat meat and only meat, if I let her) . . . but I hate for her to be craving it all the time.
Also, I've been wondering if there is ever a point at which she has to learn, "Yes, I'm hungry right now, and I don't feel like being nice or wearing a smile . . . but I am going to get food very soon, so I can deal for just a little bit. Oh, and in the meantime I'm not going to be mean to my mother or siblings." (?)
I probably sound terrible, but if she acts this way when she is an adult she's going to loose a job/have no friends/have a terrible marriage and abused children. So at what point do we begin to teach her that she *can* wait instead of running to the pantry to feed the beast that is lurking behind the scowl?
Jen, that is such a good question and I don't know the answer. I do know that after three years at home Dimples is nowhere near ready to cope with learning how to wait, at least not for a lengthy amount of time. The price she (and ultimately all of us) pays is too high. How many years does it take to overcome trauma? I guess we won't know until we get there. For now, I would try to keep the beast at bay.
You know, I do think they reach the point (at least in public) where they CAN deal with their hunger anxiety patiently and politely. Over the summer, we went to a friend's BBQ and there was grilled steak – Abi's absolute fave. But then came his absolute worst nightmare – the steak was put out buffet style, and all the big kids got there first and (quite rudely, really) took it all – so when Abi got up to the table there was very little left of the foods he will eat. He looked a bit crushed, but he dealt. He didn't say anything to the hostess, he even kept on having fun. He actually made the best of it! And when he got home, he made himself a huge steak sandwich.
It's hard sometimes not to think – Oh, what a spoiled, rude brat – when he acts the way he does. But for our kids, I believe those behaviors come out of a different place altogether, and the "regular rules" of parenting just don't apply. Sometimes, though, I do say "Dinner is in an hour, I am not giving you any more tastes, go play outside, stay out of the kitchen, and I will call you when it is ready, and if you can't do that, you can vacuum the downstairs for me instead because you are wasting so much of my time right now." It's amazing how quickly that kid gets out of the kitchen!
This is such a timely post for me. We are almost 4 years in to our adoption of Emilee and she STILL very much has food issues. She goes into panic mode frequently yet, and I hate to say it, but I have been losing my patience more and more about things and it's putting a divide between us. Like your Dimples, Emilee was absolutely starving before she came home at the age of 3.
I would love to hear more on this. I also am wondering about restricting her because that's what I've been doing. Like the other poster, Emilee just doesn't grasp "full" at all and was becoming bigger where it was harder for her to breathe. I just get SO exasperated sometimes with her. She stalks me in the kitchen, pretending to color but watching me for any sign she won't get fed. She eats and eats and eats, and I don' t know how to help her.
Please keep writing on this as you deal with it. You are truly helping me!
i just wanted to add a random thought to this intriguing line of questioning…we had a similar issue with our first child, long before we ever had to think about adoption or food traumas…she was a very petite little girl, with a constant need to nurse, even when she was sleeping, she would not let go and just sleep, she nursed round the clock until she was two and a half. then once she began eating on her own, all she wanted was meat…she did develop into a well rounded eater…but those were the years before i learned much about whole foods and health, and i believe she was malnourished. I also know, with several children who struggle with different food allergies, (apple, wheat, dairy)…that if they are dealing with inflamation due to foods not digesting properly, that they are always hungry, and don't have any sort of full trigger which the others possess. I am sure it is not the only explanation, but may be a piece of the puzzle.
I just wanted to weigh in again to say that I might make *me* some chicken and rice for breakfast! I don't like most typical breakfast foods, but the last couple mornings I have been thinking, "I could use a baggie of chicken and rice right about now!" So thanks for the idea!