I’m back from Seattle – it feels as if every other post starts with that phrase. We learned more good tips that I hope to share, but today I want to go back and finish writing about Five Minute Cards. I’ve already written about how effective Five Minute Happy Cards are for Dimples. The other very effective card is the Five Minute “Consequence” Card.
“Consequence” cards are earned when Dimples hurts somebody with her body or her words, is disrespectful or disobedient, or if she simply makes life difficult or miserable for her siblings. Generally these cards are cashed in after dinner and for each card Dimples must go to bed five minutes early. For a child who likes to be in the middle of everything and prefers to be in control, this is very effective. Since she doesn’t want her siblings to know how early she needs to go to bed, I can often quietly call her over and tell her it is time to head up to bed. It doesn’t always go smoothly, but we remind her that she will earn more cards if she has difficulties.
By putting Dimples to bed early, we acknowledge to the other children that the day was hard and they deserve our time and attention too. A demanding child can eat up most of my day leaving very little time for cuddling, reading, or playing with my other little ones. Difficult behavior also prevents conversations with my big kids, although they have a knack for squeezing those in late at night. The kids need a break from the frenzy too.
Teaching Dimples that Dad and Mom are in charge, and she is not, is a painful lesson for a little girl who has been trying to maintain control over her world in order to feel safe. This is a problem for children who have experienced trauma and in Dimples’ case this translates into hypervigilance and a sort of frenetic intensity. Even though it is no fun to go to bed early, it is helping her learn that we are in charge and she has the ability to master her emotions and behavior.
She feels great when she makes it through a day without a single Consequence card. Last week I was cooking dinner when Dimples came into the kitchen, pulled me close and said, “I don’t have to go to bed early tonight.” She had a smile of confidence and happiness.
I am so proud of her and amazed at the dramatic progress she is making.
~Lisa
Lisa, I love you so much! I am still praising you for all you do and your perseverance with Dimples. So many people can't possibly imagine how hard it can be to be on the homefront. Talking about it and seeing it are two different things. I know what you mean when you say the rest of the family needs your time and everyone is exhausted. Also your communte to Seattle… May all the glory go to Him.
The bed early thing has def been working for us, I love the actual cards though, it makes it much more "real" and tangible in the moment. I am getting to work on that THIS week.
Lisa, you have an obvious and beautiful gift in your mothering abilities. But you also have a gift with words. Have you ever thought about making this beautiful blog a book? You have a wonderful way of reaching people and sharing insights and ideas without ever passing judgement. Having said that im sure you dont have a moment to scratch yourself! :-] Maybe something we can hope for in the future. XX
That is wonderful, she can make through a day without a c-card.
I love hearing about the successes you are having with Dimples. Thank you for sharing what you are learning and how it is working.
I just wanted to let you know that you ARE our therapy right now :) We are seeing an attachment therapist, but I'm not sure she quite "gets it". I have all your posts stored in my mind and will be implementing some of them as soon as I can organize my thoughts.
I especially appreciate the specific ideas and your post on humility. I fight pride in my heart every day. But where there is pride there is not room for love for my newest children. I play the song "Loving a Person" by Sara Groves every day to remind me of that.
Would you mind if I emailed you sometime about school? Our homeschooling didn't go very well last year and I'm trying to figure out if public school will need to be an option for any of my kids.
Thanks for all the encouragement here on your blog. I'm praying for no consequence cards at your house today!
I love when you share what you learn! So many great pieces! Parenting is hard work, parenting challenging children adds a whole new dimension. You are doing an amazing job! Thank you for sharing with us! In prayer for you all!
Blessings
Andrea
Lisa,
I can't thank you enough for sharing you wonderful insights you are learning in Dimples therapy sessions. I am truly learning so much, and it is helping with our little Dimple Darlin'!! Thank you again for taking the time to share. It's been so helpful. BTW, our 3 new children from Ethiopia are doing just wonderful. They've been home 4 months and are thriving. Thank you again for sharing your wonderful insights. Becky
Lisa,
I am so thankful for the insights you are sharing regarding your daughter. It has been a tremendous help & encouragement to me as we are in a similar boat with our daughter (age 11-home from ET for 5 months). Dimples reminds me of our daughter – in the eyes & just how you describe her. I am gleaning lots from your wisdom. Please keep sharing. We are seeing good fruit with our daughter as well & we are telling her often that we can see that she is "settling in". She smiles with delight, as not long ago we faced weekly bouts of running away & dealing with having police involvement. What a journey this is to earn their trust & see their hearts begin to heal! Thanks for sharing your heart & ideas!
Thank you so much for blogging so regularly. I am sure it can't be easy to find the time but your sacrifice means that the rest of us get to learn and grow and will be better prepared parents – because of your blog.
~Amanda
Wow! What a learning curve you are on! I hope your blog is still intact when my kids are teenagers (I don't even have one yet!). It is such a great resource!
Lisa,
What a sweet ministry you have here on this blog. Isn't it so incredible to know that to God we are all precious, and nothing is wasted that he has made,wow…
Blessings!
Lisa: I so loved this post..and the consequence cards. I'm going to try that on Big S and see how it goes.
I totally agree with you that these children that are working through past trauma and hurt do take away some of the time away from the other children in the home. What a great compromise for all!!!
Robin
That is fantastic, Lisa. Thanks so much for sharing what you are learning and what is working (and what isn't). The therapist you are seeing sounds amazing. Big hugs from us. I'm still not sure if we'll be able to afford air tickets for camp, :( :( :(.