Last night I had an errand to run. I drove a few minutes to a house in town and knocked on the door. A little girl answered and a scowl appeared on her face. She demanded, “Why are you here?”
You can imagine that was not the greeting I was expecting — especially since I was at my friend, Michele’s, and the child was my daughter.
I said, “Dimples, that is not a respectful or kind way to greet me. Let’s shut the door and you can try that again.”
I pulled the door shut, stepped back on the porch, paused, and then knocked again.
This time I was greeted with a cool, “Hello,” but it was a big improvement. I’m not opposed to setting the bar low when I know that striving for more may make a small situation develop into a big, ugly scene.
I put a big smile on my face and playfully said, “Hi Dimples! How was your day? Did you have a good dinner?”
Later as I talked with Michele, I relayed the incident to her and she shook her head. As we were grabbing our things to go, she cheerfully said, “Hey Dimples, let’s practice giving your Mom a really good greeting.” Dimples looked up in surprise — even Aunt Michele knew and now she wanted a re-do too! But Michele playfully encouraged her and I stepped out the door again. This time when I knocked, Dimples met me with a big, silly smile and an exaggerated greeting. We all laughed.
It’s important not to come down with a sledge hammer on small incidents, but it is just as important that we don’t ignore them either. Let’s set the standard we expect, especially when it comes to respect. The bar may need to be low, but we can slowly move it up and keep believing our children are capable of more.
This is what Dr. Purvis has to say about re-do’s,
By actively replacing misbehavior with correct behavior in your child’s memory banks, you can help the child encode competency. A re-do “erases” the muscle memory of the failed behavior and gives the child the physcial and emotional experience of substituting a successsful one in its place.
And this quote is extremely appropriate,
A re-do can be as simple or complex as needed. As many doors as it took your child to go off course, that’s how many you have to revisit and correct each false step. The Connected Child p. 98
#271 – 280 giving thanks
Aunt Michele and Uncle Greg’s patient love for Dimples
a menu for the week – no stress over what to make for dinner
planning extra desserts for my parents’ anniversary party – just in case
reading Moccasin Trail to Sunshine
singing along to YouTube videos with Honeybee after dinner last night
kind words of encouragement from an Ethiopian friend
re-do’s, lots of re-dos for the kids, and for me
Sweet Pea’s first scheduled residency interview
finding an old favorite knitting book
Dimples thermos, once lost, now found
Lisa
Thank you for this post. We are big fans of the re-do but sometimes struggle to figure out where to set the bar. Your little examples and reminders help us to stay on track.
Thanks for the timely reminder! In the hustle and bustle of life, we've moved away from re-dos.
And we REALLY need to go back there.
Thanks, Lisa!
Great thoughts, and always love the real-life examples.
I need to remember to ask for re-dos with my Little Miss.
Hope your week is BLESSED!
Laurel :)
I use re-dos for all of my kids, trauma or not. :) When that sassy little tone comes out, I say, "Oh! Let's try that again in a different way!" and then stand there and wait. They usually see it on their own and then after redoing it, we can go on.
Karen, I also use re-do’s with all of my younger ones. It’s just a great way to learn. I also use the phrase, “Try that again with respect,” many times every day.
Great post for me today! And I love revisiting the re-do later in a silly way, cause to be honest, our re-do's can feel so "head on" and confrontational in the moment.
Great post! As usual. And as usual an ever so timely reminder for me too. That bar settting tho…. That's where I get really challenged- how to figure it out fast and in the moment. Seems simple but…. Not fir me when I'm trying ti stay calm and also have other kids clanging around too. Tricky. This helps see one way, in context. Thanks!
I first read the re-do idea here and I use it with my son all the time. We both appreciate it!
Great post! We also practice re-do's, sometimes more than once.
What a timely post — especially your comments about keeping the bar low sometimes. I struggle with raising it too high and putting too much expectation on my tough-start little ones. This post was a great reminder today! Thanks! :)
Yes, this is really working for our son and he is starting to catch himself and ask to start over sometimes. He has so many feelings of shame and if he can come out of a situation more positively and feeling like he “got it right” it really builds his confidence and his heart toward us–we end the interaction on a happy note.
Thank you so much for posting about applying Dr. Purvis' principles with your children. We saw you at the Empowered to Connect Conference in Nashville, and I have had you on my blogroll ever since! (My husband was the one who told you about the Show Hope shirt being a bit small – the one you were going to buy for your son. That was us.) Anywho. :) Thank you for sharing your story. It is great motivation!
Thanks for saying hello, Briana. I'm glad hearing about real life examples is helpful. BTW, I ended up getting a Show Hope shirt for my 13 year old daughter and she loves it!
Hi Lisa,
I have just finished reading a book called "Building the bonds of attachment" by Daniel A Hughes. I wonder if you have read it? When I read of your continued work with your daughter the book came to mind straight away.
I dont think that it matters that you understand why your daughter reacts as she does……it still must hurt when you are greeted that way.
I hope that she finds some peace in her heart.
Sandie, I read that book before any of our kids came home – I should dig it out again and see if I can find some helpful thoughts. Thanks for the reminder.
Lisa-I was so excited this weekend my little guy actually did a re-do on his own without any prompting. He left the room, re-entered, and did his own do-over. It made my momma heart so happy. Thanks for encouraging all of us along the way.
Now that is great news! Pam, you must be doing some good, trust-based parenting.
I love this quote: "I’m not opposed to setting the bar low when I know that striving for more may make a small situation develop into a big, ugly scene." My daughter and I are both so stubborn that re-dos often end in big ugly scenes. I need to remember this advice.
me too Shannon. Me too…
Lisa, thanks for this post. I always come here and leave recommitted to being a better mother. What a gift you are to the adoption community! Strangely, my kid that acts out the most, the most attachment disordered seeming kiddo; the one with the most out-of-nowhere fits, aggression, lack of self control, is not the one that was adopted. He was 2 when he had two younger very high needs brothers join the family. Every time I read The Connected Child I am thinking about my child who was technically not from the "hard place." But he is hurting, and he is a bit of a mess. I always think of the picture that Dimples drew where she showed her love falling out last year. That is the only way to describe my son. His love falls out really fast and I have a hard time helping him feel connected, happy, loved. His communication skills are really poor and even the word "trust based parenting" makes me feel like a failure because when he was at a very vulnerable age, about 20 months, I got very very sick and wasn't able to leave my room for several months. And then his world came down when he was displaced as the baby by two sick babies, with little gap between Mom starting to walk around again and the new brothers. I don't think he trusts me or his place in the family at all. I don't know how to drop everything and meet his needs and fill his heart when I have two really dangerous babies that require constant supervision. One is a 2 year old sensory seeker with a death wish and the other is a crawling crazy man who finds the "chokeables" all over the floor. I don't know why I am spilling in this comment section, but I know I am not reaching my son, and I don't know how to make it better. I only have four but sometimes I feel like each of my three boys counts as two people they are so tricky to parent right now. I love learning from you and your other readers. I want to be more patient, give him more changes for re-dos.
What happens though when you ask for a "redo" and the child collapses on the floor in a fit that may be 5 minutes for 60, and the almost-two-year old is getting into the knife drawer and the younger baby is crying because of a poopy diaper? What does one do when it is like that every day?
Surely I can't be the only mom who is in this phase?
Staci, just as I was about to reply to your blog, my last sip of tea went the wrong way and I had to swallow the tea fast while simultaneously trying not to choke. But as I was coughing and gagging, the thought came to me that raising adopted children can be like that; something that should be as easy and natural as breathing and swallowing suddenly becomes a real chore, an effort to survive, to NOT choke. In other words, raising adopted children is HARD, HARD, HARD.
But think of the sweet Grace both of us received by stumbling upon this blog!!! I don't know if you will ever read this, but for me today, reading the posts here were as if I heard God's sweet voice today through the voices of all these beautiful, strong, committed, faith-filled mothers who honestly struggle to love unconditionally, day in, day out, without reprieve.
Listen to all their stories: your life will be there in theirs more often than not. They have inspired me today—-actually, their voices really are an answer from God. I have been feeling so inept, such a failure in so many ways. There are days when I wake up or go to sleep feeling as if I live in a mini-asylum; I wonder then if there is something wrong with the way we are trying to raise our children, if I'm doing it all wrong.
But after hearing the voices here, hope and wonder have once more ballooned my spirit, and I am so, so grateful for all of you who have shared your stories and comments!!
God bless you all!!
Maria
S
Thank you for this. So agree about setting the bar low. This was a lovely reminder for me before I start the weekend.