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For two hours this morning, I felt peaceful, happy, calm; then it all came rushing back.  I hate this sinking feeling and deep sadness.  I want to push it away, but I’ve grieved before, and I know that I have to push through it.  Russ and I had paperwork to deal with this morning, and emails to discuss; apparently I don’t handle that very well yet.

Now we’re at the dining room table working side-by-side, Bee and her friend are making crepes, Eby is “reading” a book about Michael Jordan while sitting cross-legged on the floor, while Little Man is immersed in Legos.  The big kids are spread about the house.

I’m aware that it is notably easier to say “yes” to the children’s requests.  Bee wants to make crepes – “yes”, Ladybug wants to stay up late with her friend – “yes”, the little boys want to play outside before breakfast – “why not”.  This is such a contrast from the life that we’ve lived, where every decision was difficult because a change in routine might create a cascade of challenges that could easily become very big problems.  I found myself saying “no” just because I couldn’t think through all of the details or because I wasn’t willing to take the risk of saying “yes.”

Yesterday morning my friend, Jenn, called saying I didn’t really have to talk, but she wanted me to know that she cares about us and is praying for us.  So…I began to talk, and talk, and talk.  At one point she told me that listening reminded her so much of hearing a birth story being told.  She repeated phrases that I had said, and I understood what she had noticed.  One more thing to write about.

Later that morning my friend, Kelli, came over and spent two hours sipping tea and just being with me.  How thankful I am for friends who call, text, email, and stop by.  A friend in Colorado wrote that she wished she could drop by with potato soup, but since she couldn’t, she sent a gift card for a restaurant – comfort food from her heart rather than her hands.

I’m thankful for friends who understand that while there is immense relief at the lifting of incredible stress and turmoil, there is deep sadness.  No mother wants to say goodbye to her child and drive hundreds of miles away…

That’s all I can say.

Lisa

 



  1. Tobi Wright (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    Praying for you and thanking God for your friends!

  2. SleepyKnitter (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    How wonderful and amazing that you have friends who are available and WILLING to listen! What a blessing!

    I do understand about the saying “no” to avoid all the risks that go along with saying “yes.” That makes perfect sense to me.

    Praying for you and wishing I could give you a big hug and be a listening friend.

  3. Lisa (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    Praying for you to feel peace and continued love !

  4. Hannah Jasmine (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    <3 I can't imagine the depth of your grief… but the One Who knows it all is holding all of you so, so tightly.

  5. FosterCareQandA (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    What wonderful friends you have! Something to be tremendously grateful for.

    • Lisa Qualls (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

      You are so right – what would I do without friends who cry and laugh with me.

  6. Paula Miles Spears (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    You are so lucky and blessed to have such an awesome support network of friends.

    • Lisa Qualls (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

      Paula, I count you among them; I sure wish I could drop by Nebraska for a visit. Please give my love to Kathi and Deb – they are the best.

  7. Jennifer (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    When I read the prior post, I told my mother you handled everything so much better than I did. I was a basketcase. However, I also realize you did not send Dimples away forever like I did my son. You will get her back, and I knew when my oldest son left it would be very difficult, and worse, to have him come back into the home at some point into the future.

    I can empathize with the calmness in the house. It was weird, after my son went to live with his new adoptive family how calm the house was… to wake up in the morning and not feel like I was walking on egg shells and not lying in bed wondering what the day would bring…. I totally understand, and I understand the roller coaster of emotions you must be on even if it is a temporry journey for you. I can say now, after four months, I made the right decision. ..but I will always have those moments when my mind replays the past like a movie, and I sit and wonder what went wrong.

    • Lisa Qualls (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

      Jennifer, I think however we handle losses like this, we can only do our best – grief just has to take its course. If you were a basketcase – that is perfectly fine. I'm sorry for your sorrow.

  8. Dolisa (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    I am praying for you. You have been an inspiration for the past 4 years. I turn to you whenever things get rough and check in to see how you are. I was sad to read about what you are going through. Last month, our little Lily went into a group home upon the advise of 2 psychiatrist and 2 therapists. It was a horrible experience because the facility was not for attachment issues. Against the doctor's judgement, we took her home after two and a half weeks. We cleansed her and found her new medication. She is doing so well.
    God gave me a wake-up call! Most professionals don't know what it is like to live with an attachment challenged child. Therefore, they prescribe and treat for whatever they choose to grasp. We were even told to lower our expectations- she has FAS- we will be lucky if she graduates high school. How sad. to give up on a child so young. I am now researching what I can do and what I can provide for children "from hard places" in our area. A "Therapy Barn" which would include Art, Music, and Equine therapy is in our dreams. One step toward my goal is to attend the February conference in Seattle. I hope to meet you in person.

    • Lisa Qualls (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

      Dolisa, thanks for your comment and your prayers. I'm so glad your daughter is doing well – it must feel so incredible! I would love to meet you are Refresh in Seattle – and a Therapy Barn sounds brilliant. Sign us up.

  9. Mama D (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    You are so blessed to have such friends. I was absolutely alone when we did the same thing this past summer. Not one friend to talk it through with. No one to have coffee with. Not a single phone call of support. Alone. We have walked our adoption journey all alone (except for 3 or 4 long distance blog friends who I know have prayed for us). Yes. You are unimaginably blessed by such friends.

    • Lisa Qualls (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

      I'm sorry Laurel, every sorrow is better when we are surrounded by people who love us. I can't imagine doing this alone.

  10. Lisa H (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    I'm so sorry! It won't always be like this and you are such a GREAT mama to ALL your children. God NEVER wastes love and He will not short-change you on the love you've given and given and given to Dimples….

    Praying with and for you!

  11. Ann (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    The more I read about this, the more I see that it was just too hard before. Too hard for everyone–including Dimples, probably. No matter what happens, I think you did the right thing.

  12. Kimberly Witt (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    Praying and hurting with you, Lisa. I would bake bread to go with the potato soup.

  13. Dawn (Reply) on Saturday 12, 2013

    I can really relate to saying "no" to avoid whatever a yes would cause. We are new at this. We are blessed to have respite every other weekend but I find I am counting the days. I want to enjoy all of my kids and we seem to be doing everything we can to avoid chaos and it feels like its not a fun and spontaneous home anymore. I tell my other nine year old that everything has to wait until "he goes away for respite." I am praying for peace and joy to fill my home. The presence of The Lord is hard to feel when there is swearing and ….so much more.
    Yesterday after church, my husband and I took turns hidingminour room just for a break.
    Last night as I was rubbing c's back I told him tha when he has a couple of days off school, maybe the others could take the bus to school and we could hav e special pj day. He woke up this morning and asked me infront of the other kids "so,when are you going to make Sam, lia and Eli get on the bus? He is such and instigator and thrives on creating chaos in our home. His silliness can turn to violence so quickly. I am sorry…thank you for sharing and listening. It gets lonely sometimes. It is refreshing to know that others have answered the call in their hearts to this journey. I am prying for you and DImples, tha God would heal her wounded heart and bring refreshment to your soul.