I don’t know about you, but I’m not fond of those moments when my child stomps away in a huff, or crosses her arms as she looks at me. She is mad, and my initial response is to be irritated. As she setttles deeper into ”mad,” I can feel myself pull away from her. I get short with her and find I don’t want to look in her eyes.
I need to stop.
This is the crucial moment when I need to stop the “mad cycle” and see it for what it really is.
She is sad.
Sadness has woven its way into her life in ways you and I can hardly imagine. Imagine her in an orphanage as a small child feeling sad; there is no mommy to say, “Honey, come sit with me. Let me hold you.” No, when she was sad, she learned that it felt much better to be mad. Mad felt good, sad felt overwhelming and unending.
She lived where there were few adults to carefully watch over her and guide her through her feelings, so she protected herself by being mad. How did she cope? She turned away from the adults and became bossy toward the other children. She felt some relief from the sorrow that had been building up in her heart. She was in control once again; nobody could hurt her.
She kept account of wrong doings, slights, and disappointments, which she carefully filed in her mind. She could hold a grudge like nobody’s business. Stories of days of refusing to speak to a certain teacher or nanny were told to us. Refusal to eat, work, or make eye contact were not uncommon for her.
Then she joined our family and we saw a child who was easily angered, tried to control the other children, and was stubborn beyond reason. And disrespect? We weren’t sure she even knew she was supposed to respect us because she sure didn’t act like it.
When I remember where she has come from, I can see past her “mad” to the real “sad,” I can hold myself in a nurturing mode and keep building those bonds of attachment. I can speak the truth to her: “Honey, you look angry, but I can see that your heart is actually feeling sad.” This is often all it takes to break through the mad.
Saturday we had a moment just like this. I talked frankly with her about my love for her, the love of Jesus, and His power to heal her sadness. I encouraged her to let go of her “mad,” even if it meant feeling those deep sad feelings. She turned her eyes from me and I waited. It wasn’t long before she said, “Mommy, I’m sorry. Please forgive me for being so naughty. I know you love me. I’m just sad that my Mom died and you never had your Mom die so you don’t know how bad it feels.”
Her “mad” turned to “sad” – we’re making progress.
[Take a moment to read a post by my friend, Coffeemom, about her daughter learning that happy and sad can twine together and be okay.]
~Lisa
wow, lisa. that is so insightful.
and honestly, I'm going to try it on my homegrown kids when they get mad for seemingly little stuff.
thanks for sharing!
Wow and what an insightful kid she is to be able to get to the root of her emotions like that! I know many adults who never reflect so well on why they're feeling/acting the way they are!
We have had this too!!! For us sometimes it is doing things on purpose to "gain control" and when we have started to gently say if you want attention- please come to me. Let me hug you and love you. It has seriously helped A LOT!
I just stumbled onto your blog and feel as though the Lord directed me here…tonight…for this reason. We are challenged with an angry son – and your words reminded me, or more honestly taught me, what is really behind that anger. I had never thought it would be easier for him to be angry…but now it seems so clear. Thank you for writing this post on this day. You have truly ministered to my soul.
wow! i can relate SO MUCH to this post with our daughter. now if I could only stay in the nurture mode so that I am able to build the attachment bonds as well.
thank you for sharing. i wonder how often my mad is being sad, or my kiddos as well. beautiful.
So, so true and perfectly fitting for the morning I had today. I did stay in nurture mode and the bonds of attachment were strengthened. I just hope I can do it next time, and the next…..
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
Wow, thanks for this insightful post. I suppose we can use this for everyone, but especially our adopted children.
Just what I needed to read today. Thank you, Lisa. Thank you so much. I am always so amazed (and ashamed) by how strong my "mad" feelings can be toward our newest little one. Thanks for the reminder to consider where he's been and what he's been through.
Wow great insight. I can tell you are the mom who has already walked in my shoes. We have been home just less than two months. Our Natasha is 15 and so much incredibly deep pain and hurts. So much anger. She is already getting better and learning but I am weary. Weary to my soul some days. Some days refreshed and ready. Thank you for sharing this.
You are such an insightful Mom. I look forward to reading throug your posts, and learning and finding encouragement to be a better mom, myself. Thanks.
Oh wow I needed to hear this today. We go through this what feels like hundreds and hundreds of times a day with my little guy. I am so often at a loss because I can SEE that his anger is truly a deep shame. The words you stated are now in my arsenal to help him heal. Thank-you. Again.
It's so true. And so hard to stop and see beyond the huffing disrespect and not respond in kind. Or maybe that's just me….
But it IS true and thanks for this timely reminder, once again!
(and thanks for the link to my post too!
M
We have an angry little one in our family too. This week God is teaching me not to react to the anger but to remember. Remember the pain, neglect and brokeness behind the mad. This is so much easier said than done but God is growing me stronger every day. Thank you so much for your words. They speak right to my heart.
Thank you for offering your perspective. We have a 15yo who doesn't hesitate to demonstrate her sadness, though it is mostly through whining and arguing with her sister lately:0 When she does show her anger, it is very difficult for me to stop and remember where the anger is coming from. We have finally learned NOT to respond to the things she says. I have also tried hugging her when she is in the middle of the escalating emotions and it has actually worked. Slowly, slowly over the last year and a half, things are much calmer. I feel like we have come out of the 'dark days'. Since this is such foreign behavior, it has taken us a long time to know how to respond.
Thanks again,
June
Kids often only verbalilize and act out a handful of emotions: happy, mad, sad. (Which is why it's important for adults to help them process those emotions correctly. Frustration vs anger. Disappointment vs sadness. Self assurance vs. happy.) And for kids who come from hard places, often all of that gets turned into mad. It seems like sometime there is no other outlet for emotion for them other than mad. I think that makes it very important to stop in a moment of calm and help the kiddo name the emotion correctly and to then help them find appropriate ways to deal with it. Satan loves to lie about our feelings. I mean, seriously how many of us who come from fairly "normal" backgrounds can get lost in emotions and feeling wronged, envious, lonely, depressed, etc. In this case, if he can convince he that her loneliness and isolation are completely true and that she can't trust someone if they haven't experienced the exact same thing, then he can hold her captive to that isolation and the angry feelings that go with it. So important to recognize that anger is just a facade for a more specific feeling, for her and for you.
Thank you for this post. I also think that acting out can be a cover up for sad. I took the kids with me to the ultrasound appointment today for my baby and my oldest 2 girls immediately started to act out when they saw the screen. It continued until we got home when I finally addressed their feelings. Turns out they are afraid that a new baby will mean that "mom" is too overwhelmed to take care of the kids and bad things will happen. (Their past experiences.) Once their feelings were addressed the acting out was gone.
Hi Lisa, I have a little girl like this. I just recently wrote about her. ___ _http://pocketfullofmustardseeds.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2010-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&updated-max=2011-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&max-results=7____She digs her heels in and stares. Its like she puts up a forcefield. We have really made some progress. Thanks so much for the reminder. ~Lisa
Hi, I haven't read your blog (or any) in well over 6 months. The other day in helping my two year old learn coping skills and how to communicate I held out each of my hands with a different choice in each. I immediately remembered your blog and how much I have learned from you. Obviously, I have internalized some of your good parenting advice! Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Oh, that does my heart good. I learned that from Deborah Gray and I still use it nearly every day. Thank you for leaving a comment.
I think even as adults sometimes it is easier to "wear mad" than sad…it is so true that we have to condition ourselves as their parents to work through it and especially for us to SEE through it….to the heart.
I haven't stopped by here for a while, and this post reminded me why I NEED to do so more often! Our 12 year old son has been in our family for over 5 years, and much of the time he is an enjoyable, responsible, gratifying kid. But not all the time . . . for us, the issue is not "mad" anymore, as much as it is "obnoxious" or "insulting." I forget sometimes that this behavior can also be a manifestation of sadness. It is so hard for me to act lovingly when I feel constantly criticized – or worse, when I see my other children being mocked or made fun of. But when I harden and become angry and critical myself – then the whole unhappy cycle just goes on and on. When I can remember that at the root of all this nastiness (!) is a sad, scared, abandoned little boy – then my heart softens and I respond lovingly, and it generally turns things around.
Bt this is where I get stuck . . . how do I deal with the day-to-day complaints, insults, disrespect, etc.? When I engage and respond, it inevitably leads to raised voices, to more anger. When I ignore it, I feel as if I am being too soft – especially if my other kids are involved. What seems to work best is when my husband and I remain calm in the face of misbehavior, then give out some kind of job for "wasting family time" or "mistreating another family member." But what about the days where the negativity just goes on and on? I'd love to hear some other ideas.
Sorry – I thought this was today's post, but I realize now that it is a month old. Anyway, still an interesting topic – and always pertinent, I think! :)
Kate, it is never too late to leave a good comment – besides I really should tackle the topic you mentioned.